It never ceases to amaze me how my ah can turn anything and everything into blame on my part.  Somehow, I think many of you can relate!

Some background - ah has been out of house for 6 mos. He sees the kids a lot, but not on a regular schedule; mostly when convenient for him, but at least 5-6 times a week. Has had all 3 kids stay the night twice, but one of the older two (mostly daughter) has stayed multiple times.  Give the circumstances, he is working really hard to be a good father. Still a Disneyland Dad for the most part, but makes every effort to be as involved as he can and make all activities, meetings, drive the carpool, etc., How I wish he could have been so engaged when he lived here.  Sigh, but I digress..

Now he is in a diversion program and admittedly is incredibly busy. Work, 90 in 90, weekly counseling, twice a wk professional group meetings, random testing... all 30 min from our town.

Our daughter is going nuts. The child wants to know what is happening and wanted a schedule yesterday. When it first started I suggested to my ah that he give her a written schedule of where he is every night, just so she would know.  Didn't happen, however, she makes darn sure that dad doesn't lose contact wtih her and daily calls to check in and set things up. Ah had said he needed some time to figure it out a schedule and had told her would do it by this weekend.  Didn't happen.


So, for my daughter's sake and because I think it is time for him to experience the reality of divorce (in terms of custody), I decided to be assertive and make a suggestion. Afraid he would turn it on me, but 2 friends convinced me I was doing nothing wrong so how could he possibly do such a thing?  HA!  I suggested every other wkend and one night during wk with all 3, letting my d do homework at his office 2 afternoons a wk, and then every other wkend he have one of the older 2 on Fri or Sat for alone time. 

Oh my, did I touch a nerve! Emails back, and I watched his thought process go from guilt to anger (=excessive guilt) all with a beautiful flair of martyrdom. First, rambles back on how he can make it work but not fair for kids to have to wait up so late til messed up dad gets out of meetings (M-W til 9), and then started piling on the guilt about all the different confusing options and having to bring them to meetings in the morning or having them stay home alone, blah, blah, blah...  Final paragraph is how all he asked was to have some time to figure it out, but I want it NOW.  Once again, I am at fault.

Then, a few hrs later sends another email stating he thought a lot about it and should forego the scheduled weekday visits (but will see them when he can) until his 90 in 90 is over but would love them on the weekends.  Overall, he needs to focus on himself and his recovery like his program suggests. 

Here I am thinking, "you've thought about only yourself for the past 15 yrs, and look where it got you!" and "NOW apparently doesn't include the past 6 mos where you have made no effort to make a schedule".  But, I am proud of myself and I only responded to the second email with "good, please let 'daughter' know".  That was it. 

Finale -  daughter comes in tonite after playing and the first thing she does is go to the phone to call dad.  I tend to discourage her if I know he is busy, but this time did not.  She calls and leaves a message asking him to come see them tonight after his meetings.  That was an exact demonstration of my point,  but I think I am expecting too much to think he will get it.

Thanks for being here to let me vent.  I am finding it so important to be able to share with those in the trenches with me.  As much as others try to be supportive, if you haven't lived it, I don't think it makes any sense.  This disease is as cunning and baffling as the book says.

Blessings,
Lou