The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my dad is an alcholic. he has been for a couple years now. he stopped for a couple weeks when my mom gave him the ultimatum. i came home tonight, and he started again. i should be used to it by now, but everytime he starts up again i am just so hurt and angry. my mom wants to leave him- but cant, because of us, "the kids". (that is what she tells me)
i hate it. but i feel as though it is my fault....if i wasnt here than she could leave this situation. i dont know what to do anymore.
Islu, you came to the right place. Welcome into a new kind of family, one where you can be exactly who and what you are- a giant crab, a soggy mess, a joyful bird- any and all in between. we will love you unconditionally.
Alcoholism is a disease. Just as you cannot make anyone have cancer, you cannot make anyone take a drink or stop taking a drink. You simply do not have that kind of power- none of us do.
We are all powerless over alcoholism. it is a devastating family disease. It spreads like a virus to affect all of us, differently sometimes. I encourage you to get yourself to a face to face al-anon meeting or alateen meeting (for teens, kids). I really dig the alateen materials because they are super simple and I need that because I have lots of alcoholics in my life. Both parents, my sister, my best friends, my husband. I have no control over them. But I do have control over myself. Keep coming back and know you are not alone and here in this spot you have lots and lots of people who know exactly what you are going through and speak your language. J.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and he could be very violent and abusive towards all of us. It was a miserable way to live so I know exactly what you are talking about.
My parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids" ... and I so wished they hadn't. I can remember as a teenager (13 or 14)... telling my dad (when mom wasn't around) to divorce her and telling my mom (when dad wasn't around) to divorce him.
My father had his own business in town and nobody had any idea that our family was so messed up. I was always so depressed - I began "cutting" and doing other self hurting things.
Do you have any brothers or sisters? Maybe you could all talk to your mom and tell her how you feel? I know it is easier said than done and that you are probably scared of what will happen if they get divorced and you are also scared if they stay together.
((((Islu)))) -- (these are hugs, by the way) Welcome.
One of the first things we learn in Alanon is the three C's - we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. We share our ESH (experience, strength and hope) to help each other. We're not supposed to tell you what to do - but through our stories share what has and hasn't worked.
It is NOT your fault that you dad drinks or that your mom is not ready to leave. Iif you weren't there, she still might not go. Please, don't take on any guilt or responsibility for this. Parents are supposed to be the caretakers - not the kids.
You don't say how old you are, but if you found this site, you probably could check out Alateen and try face to face meetings to help you take care of yourself.
thanks for your responses. im 17. its my senior year in highschool and i promised myself to get as far away as possible for college.
when im alone with my mom i talk to her about it, and she tells me how unhappy she is...but is too scared to do anything..i have an older sister whose at college and i feel, as though she was one of the reasons my father started drinking in the first place. i also have a younger brother who is also affected by it but doesnt know how to express his feelings other than yelling at my dad and crying.
i stopped trying to make my dad stop when i sat down with him and pleaded with him-told him how much i loved him and broke down and cried and all he did was scream at me why i "couldnt just be angry..why i had to be upset". needless to say he never stopped.
islu, do you live in/near a city of any size/kind? If you do, there will be al-anon meetings there. OR, find an AA meeting and ask them where their al-anon meetings are. Get some face to face (f2f) time in a totally anonymous group. Attend at least 6 meetings before you decide if this program is working for you or not.
You probably have more going for you than either of your parents right now. They are not going to be able to help you.
I also promised to get as far away as possible and I did and that does help but getting to meetings will help you tremendously, now.
I'm glad you found us! I have a daughter about your age (she's 18). She left home in July -- off to college. She couldn't wait to be on her own. Her father (my ex) is an alcoholic. In fact, he's in rehab for the 4th time in 4 years. We divorced a few years ago (when my daughter was only 15). I often wonder how she feels, I wish we could talk about it, but it's still a very hard thing to do. It usually ends in an argument when we try to discuss her dad's alcoholism. She's still in denial a little bit about her dad, even though there is no denying it.... I thinks she still dreams about him getting sober again. Our divorce ended up getting really ugly, but even so, my daughter did share with me that she was glad we divorced. That gave me a lot of relief; I was happy that she shared that with me because I was feeling tremendous guilt about the divorce (as far as my kids were concerned). I think it's great that you are willing to go to an Alanon meeting with your mother!! Even if she isn't ready, it would be good for you! My daughter and son have refused to go so far... I still keep hoping that they will because it has helped me so much. I wish they had been willing to go to alateen or alanon when we needed it the most. Anyway, maybe your mother will go if she sees that you want to get the support you need.
Hi Islu ,so glad u posted here today Your not the problem , your dad drinks because he has a probem . period . Sometime we parents say things that are insensetive , * can't leave because of the kids * you could turn that around by thinking that she loves u so much and wants u to be safe so she is staying . Perhaps if u suggested mom come to this site and come into the chat room we could encourage her to get help for herself by attending Al-Anon meetings . There is also a prog for young people called Alateen you will meet other teens who have a parent that drinks too much . I hope u will continue to post your feelings here . there is nothing you can do about your dad 's drinking it's his problelm I know it affects your life but he is the only one who can fix this . Just know that your not the reason this is happening . louise
I thik it's important to realize that when we say we are staying "for the kids" ~ it is a LIE, that we tell ourselves when we don't think we are strong enough to leave. Sometimes we can come up with very intricate, even logical sounding lies, to tell ourselves and others. If anything, we should be LEAVING "for the kids", so they don't have to grow up in the craziness and be effected by it every day of their lives.
If your Mom never had any kids, she would still be with him. She is lying to herself, to help herself feel less guilty about what it is doing to you all. She needs to find the strength to leave him ~ it has nothing to do with you!
I am sure she is hoping he will eventually change... and maybe he will, but the question is, "Can you afford (emotionally & physically, if he is abusive) to wait for him to find the will and the strength to change?".
There are three C's we learn in Al anon. all related to that we have little if anything to do with someone else's alcoholism. I do know for me that trying to control the alcoholism of anyone is extremely difficult. I also know that it was and never was my fault. I feel for you immensely. This is absolutely the right place to come with these issues.
Please keep posting and processing this is a great wonderful, warm, soothing, caring place which is safe , kind, tender, non judgemental and loving. You deserve to be here.
islu do you have access to a car and a drivers license? bus? is it close enough to bike? would your mom drop u off and pick u up while she runs errands? Do whatever you can to get to a meeting. I bet someone there would give you a lift home, btw. Both you and your mom should go- it will help both of you so much and might be a really great way for the two of you to make the best of this horrible situation.
welcome to the board. im 20. my parents are alcoholics too. i feel as if its my fault sometimes but in my heart i nkow its not. ive vented here and there are some ppl in my life i can talk to too. im an only child. if u need to talk or anything im here.
I have been to a few meetings where someone asks for regular transportation to and/or from the meetings and they've always received great response. There is such a sense of family, fellowship and acceptance in al-anon meetings- so many have been where you are.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Just wanted to welcome you to the MIP family. None of this is your fault or your mother's. He has a disease which is cunning, baffling and powerful. There are lots of good suggestions here. Please learn as much as you can about this disease. It will help you so much. Hopefully you can find some meetings to get to. You are not alone in this.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
