The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have you talked to your sponsor about it?? She/He might have some guidance for you. It is important to have a sponsor especially when you are working a 4th step because we have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves and to take on responsibility for things that are not ours to own.
Also, the steps take as long as they take. There is no maximum or minimum amount of time for it to take. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that this is a program of progress and not perfect.
My last thought is this--don't focus on what amends you may or may not need to make or things that you may need to make "right"--you aren't there yet. Step 4 asks us to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves--that's it, nothing more than that. Don't jump ahead in the steps....I have come to realize that they are in the order that they are in for a reason!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Do you have a sponsor? I am working step 4 ... or really, truthfully, procrastinating step 4 :(
In any case it does help to do this with a sponsor.
I will tell you what she said to me when I first started my step 4 - and like yourself I was overwhelmed thinking that I had wayyyy too much wrong with me and that i was an awful person. Like you, my "character defects" far outweighed my good points (in reality, it was not that bad but I am really hard on myself so I just gave the bad points more weight than I did the good points) I bet you it is the same for you.
Any way my sponsor explained to me that step 4 was simply about taking stock or taking an inventory at a store.... You look at everything - the good the bad and the indifferent. You don't judge it you just take stock.
Then you decide what stays and what goes and it should be done with a sponsor so that you aren't tempted to "throw it all out"...
This inventory will help us to see what things we want to change and to recognize where our strengths are. AND DON'T say we don't have any strengths because simply given that you are here means that you have enough strength to look at this stuff.... many do not.
You are worthy. Be gentle with yourself and try to find a sponsor that can provide you with some non-biased views :)
You didn't get to this point over night. You won't get past it over night either. Follow some of the loving suggestions....Take a deep breath. Use your sponsor, take a deep breath. Take it one step at a time, use yours sponsor, take a deep breath and then take another deep breath. etc.
Here is a slogan from my sponsor also. When in doubt...don't! What he meant was that if I had any doubts about what to do next don't do anything until I had more awareness and support and could see more clearly.
yeah, I have been working on step 4 for around a year now. It takes some people a couple of years. We all have our own seasons and timelines and go at our own pace; this is the beauty of this program. I believe I am exactly where I need to be so I am not so worried about finishing my 4th step. I know I will complete it when I am supposed to. Just like I stopped smoking when I was ready to. Just like I found Al-Anon when I really needed to. All of this is not accidental. I am at the perfect spot in my life, regardless.
I hope your not doing this step with out a sponsor , we all tend to beat up on ourselves when doing this step sounds like your no exception . Maybe it's time to take a break take a day off put away the inventory and have a good day . remember that step 4 isn't about how bad you are its who you are and when u truly know who u are , you can change , Louise
I can so understand how you feel. I remember my 4th step. I procrastinated it and then once I started it was like I realized there was no turning back and so I got stuck. I freaked out for alittle bit. But it is ok. I made it through. The main thing is not to give up and even if you do you can always get back up and start again. Talk to your sponsor. There is so much good in this step.
I know you can do it. Just be gentle with yourself right now. This is like studying for a big test. You are preparing, or remembering is a better way to put it, but you are having to write it down and that is not easy. It takes alot of brainwork. We have always looked at things a certain way and this is pushing us to look at that and then bring it out in the open. That is scary. Also, there are probably bad memories and also behaviors we have not been proud of. Just know you are not alone. None of us are perfect.
You are very courageous to attempt this step. Many never get this far. You are awesome! You are a winner! I am very proud of you. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for all your advice. I know that I am in a difficult place right now and it does NOT help that I DO NOT HAVE A SPONSOR. One I am scared to approach anyone, and two I have NOT GOT A CLUE AS TO WHOM I SHOULD APPROACH. I am not able to get to f2f meetings as I have said before (mobility and distance make it impossible right now), and none of my friends have a clue about any of this and they do not have any experience of alcoholism. It would seem good for me to climb under the covers for a few days and not do anything as Jerry's sponsor advised, 'if in doubt, don't do anything...until you have more awareness and support...' So, perhaps you could pray with me that I might find the courage to take on a sponsor and that the right person will be revealed to me, yes?
Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I can give you my ESH. Over responsibility is a huge huge issue for me.
Whenever I have to look at any adult issues, I was only 50% responsible for whatever it was. I give myslef huge breaks these days rather than beat myself to smithereens. I am entitled to make mistakes and correct them. I am not the keeper of anyone except me. That means I do not get into enmeshed crazy relationships anymore. I did and I forgive msyelf for that. I do not need to beat myself up to smithereens for having done tht in the past. I would recomend anything you can get your hands on people pleasing, codependency and more.
Quick prayer coming your way, dear. I know this is such a hard step. You do need a sponsor, and you will find one when the time is right.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It sounds to me like you are trying to do step 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 all at once.
I know, I tried that. For 2 years. I got nowhere.
Step 4 can be time consuming, but it can be done in a simple straightforward way. Not everyone chooses to do it "by the book" but in the end, I found that I didn't need to write a 40-page essay for each item on my resentment list.
Step 4 is, in the words of the Big Book, a factfinding mission. Like Jack Webb used to say - if you stick to the facts, and stay out of the explanations and rationalizations, it makes things move along. I know that feels like it's not thorough enough. But I finally just did it anyway. Progress, not perfection.
Step 12 talks about practicing these principles in all our affairs. There is revealed, that this is a lifelong process. If we all had to do step 4 perfectly before moving on, then AA and Alanon would be known as 4-step programs. Or 3-step programs.
