The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have written three posts tonight trying to unload my grief and hopelessness. I have deleted them and have decided that perhaps I try too hard. Perhaps it is best to shut the heck up and take what has been dealt to me. I have lost my little family to alcohol and divorce. I have lost the great relationship I had with my spouse since he is sick of me and my grief. I have lost my health to cancer. I have lost my spirituality to hopelessness. I have greater losses to come as my grandbaby grows and each day becomes more a product of his single mom. His father, my son, is not allowed to see him except under his ex's directives. It is all more than I can bear. So perhaps the best solution is just to shut up and stop trying to rant out the grief and anger. Weekends are absolutely the worst. Everyone has too much time on hand. I read some of your responses to me about ten days ago suggesting I volunteer with homeless or other ideas like that. I know that would be a good thing. Unfortunately, I can barely walk right now due to the cancer and all the months of chemo, surgery, and radiation. I don't know if I will ever be back where I once was. Just taking care of the necessities of my home takes it out of me daily. I am sure too much time on hand is also part of my emotional decline, but right now, it is the only way I can function. I have been dealt multiple blows in about 18 months time. Just cannot believe my life has come to the way it is tonight.
I too am so sorry things are the way they are for you right now omajoy.
I don't know all of your situation as my computer has been down and I have not been able to be on the board for a long time.
I too went through a period of time when my mother died, my bro in law died, my youngest son sent to prison, my oldest son mentally ill, me raising a rebellious teenage grandaughter, my sister committing suicide, and my son in law killed in an accident, all within a period of just over 18 months.
I ranted and raved and..sat on my pity pot a LOT!!!......finally the hopelessness was too much for me, and I finally surrendered it all to my higher power (God). I'm not saying any of the situations are any better or that I handle everything so well. I CAN say that somehow My God is seeing me through ...one day at a time.
Surrendering is very hard to do ... there are days that I pick those hurts up again, but easier to surrender them back over time.
(((((((((((Omajoy))))))))))) what a beautiful name],
I am so sorry to hear of your situation but be assured I hear your pain, indeed I feel your pain and no you must not shut up.
Only weeks ago, I found this family and ranted and poured out my heart and the pain and the anguish and this wonderful family listened just as I am, and others are, to you now.
I cannot change your situation, but I can listen and tell you that you are not alone.
You will remain in my daily prayers.
Peace Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I wish I could come through the computer screen and give you a real hug. I can feel the hurt and pain you are dealing with. Be assured that you are in my prayers.
Savor whatever time your ex daughter in law will allow you with your grandson. We are hear to listen whenever you need us. Keep coming back.
Take care,
Cookie
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Sometimes things are just too much, and really, nothing will make it better.
I've had a very very bad year myself, with much death and loss, and I have found that a combination of things is helping - doing things that make me feel good, talking it out a bit, working towards solutions of problems, and, sometimes, just crying and feeling miserable. Some days are just gonna be bad days, with no way around it. Accept it, cry, and then wash your face and go do a load of laundry....
I hear your pain. These are all such serious, real issues you are facing. I too have been in a place of absoulte and complete despair. I lost all faith in God. I was searching for it. I posted, I brought it up as a topic, I prayed my heart out. I finally gave up, I gave in, maybe I surrendered. I figured that I would just go it alone, no HP. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. It was awful, I did alot of crying.
I came to the other day and realized that HP is with me. It isn't something I can describe yet, but it is real. It isn't a huge, overwhelming feeling. It is a secure feeling. HP has taken nothing off my plate and I have had a few more things handed to me.I am handling things to the best of my ability at the moment. I am content with that.
You sound like you are doing the absolute best you can at the moment. You might be feeling tired and sad and unable to move but maybe that is because you need to sit still and take your hands off. Maybe you need to focus completley on yourself. You are the ONLY you you get. Put yourself first. How can you not? It may feel selfish or strange but it is the right thing to do.
As with your son and the ex, I have a netural third party to supervise visitation. It isn't ideal but then again, divorce isn't ideal. It is thru the courts. I wanted him to do it all, but he won't so I found the number and sent it to him and then left the ball in his court. He finally did it. It might be worth your son checking into the legal side of his parental rights. There might be a solution rather than you having to be in the middle.
What can you do about any of it? Realistically, not if "they" changed. And what do you feel comfortable doing? Comfortable meaning that you are happy with the situation and it does not cause YOU stress. Accepting that the other people in my life are never going to do it my way has been key to figuring out what I can do to make myself happy and content.
I absolutely can hear your grief and anger and fear. I have been there a lot of the time. I have my own really serious health issues. I also have almost crippling financial issues from the A's behavior.
Please do share. You do not have to shut up here. There have been many many times when Isimply lived on this board reading everything going in the archives. I was helped immensely. I know grief meditations help me personally. there are times when I can grieve and other times when I cna't.
