The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AHsober that moved out 2 years ago said he would come over this weekend to help me with wood, fixing things up, etc. I have tried to get anyone to help me with those things particularly after my shoulder surgery. He always says "do you want me to come over?" I say "what do you want to do?" I know this seems childish but I am always the one saying come over (not too often). I told him that I would call him last night to set some boundaries. So I said why are you really coming over? Is it to talk about the divorce? He said well yes because we need to start the process because it has been 2 years and I want my freedom. I said that I feel manipulated if that is really why you are coming over.
What a disaster we are. I still love my AHsober. I miss our lives together. I don't know what to do. I haven't found the courage to go file divorce papers. I know my pain won't end with a divorce. I have to to separate myself from him as much as possible. I don't call him, I don't ask for his help, I send his stuff over to him, I have tried to become financially independent. He wants to buy land. Last time I said no because we have too much debt. His pattern is to say that I control him and the money but my truth is that when he gets like this he makes big purchases.
I not only feel powerless but helpless. Sometimes I don't think that I can take care of myself and that this man is going to steamroll me and there is nothing that I can do. Try to see it as a disease - his and mine. HOpe the weekend doesn't turn into an angry, shouting match.
He wants a divorce, you don't - and it's YOUR job to file the papers? I don't think so.
If he really wants this, he will make sure he gets it. If he is not working towards it, then this starts to look a lot more like a way to manipulate you. At any rate, I would be very leery of buying land, etc, while this uncertainty exists in your lives.
i can relate to this sytel of interacting a great deal. I know this program can help. Detach detach detach. Focus on you. I also know how incredilbly hard it is to be alone and be overwhelmed and have the A be aorund hovering. How good they are at hovering. I went through 7 years of this. The A used me up and used me and used me up. My credit is almost destroyed. Well it is destroyed and I am working to get it back.
I can't tell you what to do because no one could tell me. There is another side to it when it is not non stop aruging, back and forth. I am lonely but I am not exhausted.
