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AH opened a letter, his face fell and he quietly walked to where (he thought) I couldn't see him. "What is it?" I say, being nosy "oh, it's nothing" he says, with his back to me. "I got a ticket a while ago, and now I have to go to court" "What kind of a ticket?" I can't help myself He does not answer me, but walks further away. I spy him folding the letter up and tucking it in his pants, then tucking his shirt over it. "Is it a parking ticket?" I pry "No...it's for making an unsafe lane change" He walks past me to the cat food. "Why didn't you tell me about it?" "I thought I did" He goes to feed the cat on the porch. "No you didn't" I do a quick interrogation, without trying to sound...intimidating he says the cops had been checking him out at a gas station and pulled him over because he the liscence plates were expired. There were four cops altogether, they checked him out (because he has long hair), then wrote a ticket for "unsafe lane change". He was ordered to pay something like a $200 fine, but lost the ticket so now he has to go to court. I really really really want to read that letter. He really really really doesn't want me to. I'm not sure I believe him, mostly because he's hiding stuff. If it really happened, like he said, he would be furiuos. He would talk about nothing else for days, be on the phone with the department untill he was officially offered an apology. But this came and went very very quietly. I am at a point in my recovery of selective knowledge. I have quit looking for reciepts and tracking where he spends his time. Occaisionally I point out that his breath smell like beer, but now that I am in school full time, we really don't see very much of eachother, and when we do I try to avoid him. Am I entitled to know what really happened here? It could be bad, something maybe I need to know. He could miss his court date, go to jail ect... Aslo, paying that fine is not a very nice thing. I mean, we don't have money. I rolled my hours back so I could go to school. I have a friend who could probably find out for me all about the report, but I came here first just because. Trying to stay sane Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I almost get the feeling from what you have shared that you already know the "right" answer to this question. And you were coming here to get some validation ~ which I do often. We all need reassurance.
It is "none of your business" (as my sponsor would say to me). Of course, I'd strike back with "how is it not my business? I live with him, it will certainly affect me - so that makes it my business!!"
My sponsor would smile her smile of wisdom and gently remind me that I cannot control what is - but only what my reaction will be. She would tell me that at times like this I need to double up my focus on me - especially what is happening inside. She says that when I am "freaking out" about something HE does... it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me.
Usually what is going on inside of me affects my reactions to what HE is doing. If I am taking care of me, I feel good and I feel secure - all by my own doing and remembering that I have a higher power. All regardless of what else is going on with those around me. When I am not taking care of me... I feel like an abandoned little girl - scared - really - frightened.
Anyway - I think I'm starting to babble here - so i'll close for now. My point is... I think you are on the right track - you don't need to read that letter. You need to take care of you. Think about it - nothing will change once your read the letter right? It will be whatever it is.
It is all easier said than done. I know this. (((HUGS))) for you Dee
Tough call. I would have been anxious to find out, too - and at the same time not want anything to do with it. Been there, done that so many times. I'd find out about the tickets when the late notice came in the mail - but those were parking tickets.
In my state, if you're driving with expired plates, the police don't generally let you drive away with a ticket for something else. But lying is what A's do.
I think today I'd try to let it go. Is it really going to help you to find out what he did, or will it just give you something else to worry about? Take care of you, please.
What would change, if you knew what it was about? Would you be able to do anything about it? The offence, whatever it was, has already been committed.
You are right, he is probably lying to you. What else is new?
If you feel that it would be wrong just to let this lie, then I would try one direct approach ("I feel that I am not getting the whole story here. If this is something that could affect me, I think I have a right to know. If it is something that I could help you with, I'd like the chance to do that.") and then let it go - he is an adult, and has the right to face this on his own, if that is what he feels is best. All you can do is give him an opening, you can't make him take it.
Most likely this ticket may have something to do with the fact that he had been drinking at the time. As the others have said your seeing the letter won't change it's contents. It's his problem, and if there are consequences you can't change that either.
I'm sure most of us would be curious about the contents if we were in your place, but the consequences if there are any will be his to face. As we all know an A will do what an A will do.
Good luck in nursing school. Take care of yourself and your kids.
Cookie
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I've always told my A that if he gets into legal trouble because of his addiction, I'll be more than happy to bring his meds to jail but that's it. Sounds cold I know, but it's his problem. That's why the car and insurance is in his name. He's responsible for it. If the ticket is bad enough, you'll find out in due time.
Does it matter if he's drinking? Would it change anything? You've worked too hard to get into nursing school to have your time occupied with this. Put the focus back where it belongs, back on you. Best of luck to you in school. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow, you have gotten great responses.....and I just wanted to let you know I understand the wanting to read that letter so badly. I would use it as a great opportunity to work my program real hard and keep my nose out of it!
Good time to be patient. If it effects you, you will know. If it doesn't and he has to deal with it all by himself, more power to you both!
I am wondering about something... what if it WOULD change things, if she knew what was in that letter? I am (obviously) new here... but in my situation, if my AH went to jail, I would have to find a place to live, or find the money to pay for the place I live (get more hours or a different job) and, as in all things financial, it's pays to be prepared... kwim?
I am wondering how far this "not in control" thing goes? Something inside me questions wether ignorance is the best solution... especially if others (like children) depend on you to provide food and shelter.
In my experience, being amrried to a addict meant that I always needed to be prepared for disaster - there always needs to be a plan B. The problem with taking control of his life is that the more you do, the less he HAS to - I know Idid more and more in an effort to keep things on an even keel, until he had abdicated reponsibility for almost everything.
To my mind, it is in some ways a hopeful sign that in this case he is NOT telling her about it. It shows that he is dealing with the fallout himself, rather than laying it on her.
Sounds like you know what you need to do. I don't have anything better than the others have given you. Just an "I'm so proud of you for the progress you have made. Do you remember what you would have done a few months or a year ago?" .
Loco, I understand that if the A went to jail that you would have to find another place to live, but how quickly? There is a difference between being forwarned and endlessly obsessing. We are intelegent people who have abilities and resources. We will cope when the need arises. But we already know something is up, so we already know there will be a need to prepare. As lin said, we always know there is a need to prepare anyway. Knowing the spacifics will not change what is to pass, and truthfully will probably not help you prepare. It will just give you details to batter him with and obsess about. That in itself will probably get in the way of preparing because if you are obsessing, you are in a highly emotional state and cannot think clearly to make objective decisions about what you need to do. And HP knows we really do not need more to obsess over. We have no shortage there.
Hope this helps.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It's true, I already knew the "alanon" answer when I came here. I wont really call it the "right" answer because I know alot of people in relationships who would really have a hard time understanding why it would ever be OK to hide stuff from eachother. I still have a hard time accepting that myself. I wish I could say that I gracefully ventured into my recovery, but in truth I just ransacked a stash of papers thinking the letter might show up. I didn't find it. My biggest fear is that he's totally and completely lying, and that he was really buying drugs, picking up hookers, robbing houses, something crazy like that. I no longer know when his morality or values "kick in" and what stuff would be too low for him. I haven't gone as far as to ask my friend (who used to be an officer in town) about it. Even if it was something totally horrible, I still probably couldn't do much about it. And it still wouldn't have anything to do with me and he would still have to deal with it and not me. BTW talking to him about it is totally out of the question. His policy is "deny everything" and if pushed he will become angry. Thanks for all the input, I'm still hanging in there!
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
