The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was with the A I was incredibly achingly lonely. I felt most of the time like I had a huge hole inside. I was afraid to leave him for many reasons, one of them was loneliness. I felt without him I'd be lost and adrift and feel abandoned. Of course during the course of the 7 years I was with him I was abandoned over and over again. Over the past few weeks I have had little if any contact with the A. I try super hard not ot know where he is or what he is doing or what the state of his life is. I've given it all back to him. I know much of my going back and forth with him was about trying to manage my loneliness. Even now coming up to Thanksgiving (which I will spend alone) I am not tempted to contact him and connect because it simply got too bad between him and me. I am tried of the lies, deceit, drama, chaos and I can't countenance it anymore.
At the same time I'm incredibly lonely. My days are filled with tasks, I am busy. I am not depressed but I am very very lonely. The people who live in the house where I live are incredibly enmeshed codependent and very dramatic. I pull back from that daily and no longer involve myself in the drama. I simply don't have the energy for it. I can't see any way around the loneliness but through it. I really don't have much choice but to be busy at the moment. I will have a little time on Thansgiving to try to socialize and ocnnect but I don't think I am going to make a huge conneciton with anyone right away.
I'd really appreciate some ESH on how to manage the loneliness when one leaves the A. I do not miss him (the person I missed has disappeared). I know at times it can be hard for me but at the same time I am also clear I do not want rescue or enmeshment. I want something different and I am not sure how to go about getting it.
Oh boy do I relate (like I haven't splashed my loneliness all over the board lately)!!
This might sound jaded or cynical . . . but I rarely get "lonely", I'm an introvert and very happy with lots of alone time. After parties or get togethers, I want to run home and get under my comforter and "chill", even if I had a spectacular time. It just seems to be the way I'm made, even my mother used to "worry" about me when I was a kid, that I played by myself so much.
But lately . . . I have felt loneliness that I've not experienced too much before, so here I am with you.
The ex friend couple T and M came by on Wednesday with the wood. I saw their truck coming up to the house and threw open the front door feeling GREAT!!!! that I had company!! I made them espressos with fresh goat milk and they ate some oatmeal cookies. We had a nice chat, and I felt so invigorated afterward. Then they ripped me off and that's that . . . but I sit here kind of chuckling at myself. I was so dang glad to see them.
Something I would have never done before Maresie is accept invitations to potlucks or little "town" events. Now I'm there with bells on, ha ha. I am just learning too how to go about making a community for myself that is not enmeshment and "rescues". I have gone to a couple of little get togethers, and yes I go home afterward and sit in "my spot" with the dogs and chill, but I feel good afterward.
It's also been a bit scary. I am also kind of shy (only at first :D ). Just walking IN to a gathering is anxiety for me, but it will get easier the more I do it. I joked with CG yesterday about the hillbillies etc, but I've met plenty of really cool hillbillies, beneath the hay and overgrown beards on the men are regular old folks. Babysteps in getting out there has so far worked for me. I'm getting a pretty good eye for "rescues" and drama addicts too, and those I politely steer clear of.
One thing that helps me deal with lonliness is having a pet (which, I heartachingly had to put to rest yesterday ) ... but no matter what my Buster cat was always there for me ~ and he had a way of knowing when I was hurting or lonely and he would just plop himself down right on my heart. :pouting: I'm gonna miss him.
Another way that I deal with lonliness is to get outside of myself by helping other people. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter and even less time consuming is just coming to this web and reading others posts and posting to help them by sharing my experience, strength and hope.
My sponsor also reminds me that I am never truly alone (with my higher power being by my side all of the time)... I'm still kind of new to all of this since I wasn't raised very religious ... so I tend to "forget" this fact.
I'm babbling... thats all I've got to share on lonliness.
Really do identify with you. Been there and still am.
I am a great reader and find myself really getting myself engrossed into a good book, and because I could not afford to buy books I went to the local library and often stayed there for an hour or so just to be around people. Then I look at those around me and especially the busy ones rushing about and I think of all the time that I needed space and time and quite and try to appreciate even more for those who would love to have what I have now.
Until my immobility and surgery I tried to involve myself in voluntary activities where-ever possible, helping out at the local Homelessness Shelter.
I volunteered for Hospital Visiting of those who did not have any family/friends to visit them. There is always someone who needs a visit and it took the emphasis off of my own personal problems and took me out of myself as well as gave me a wonderful feeling of needfulness as well as helped me socialise and communicate with others.
I volunteered for charity and community help schemes too, which involved meeting others and the local vicar was always happy for help with pastoral caring. I became a 'surrogate Nanny' to single mothers' and the children helped me to stay focussed in life because they looked forward to my visits.
As I do not know your situation or where you are, I am not sure that any of these activities might help.
The other thing that I did was start to write a book, and I need time to study, research and write, which I could not do before when I was so involved with the A.
Anyway, I shall be thinking of you at Thanksgiving, for it is at these times in particular that we find ourselves feeling the a-lone-ness, even though we know we are not alone.
With love, Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
i have pets and they are a huge blessing but caring for them means I am not able to go out that much at night or on the weekends. Truth is that I am still very much in organizing my space and my storage space. All that takes a lot of time. I dind't just click my fingers and do it seamlessly. In addition there is the poverty factor. I am totally broke. I need to put every penny into paying bills for quite a while. I know I will meet people over time. I just dont' have them at the moment. All my life has been around enmeshment and rescuing. I am taking leave of that so there is bound to be a huge gap.
I can definitely identify with the loneliness factor.
As others have said, pets can be very comforting, and God knows, I have my share of them in this house! LOL!
I think what has helped me the most is attending meetings, working the steps, and talking a lot to my sponsor.
As I began to heal and started feeling better about myself, that loneliness slowly started to subside.
I'm like Kim in that I'm an introvert and am generally pretty happy at home. Because I'm not working and have applied for disability, I keep myself busy and read, spend time with my pets, and occasionally land jobs doing websites for small businesses.
I do have to watch it so that I don't completely go into hermit mode, and do make myself get out of the house, attend meetings, and be around others like me who understand.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I attend meetings 3-4 times a week and have gotten involved in al-anon service work. I am alternate GR for my home group. I am on a calling list if someone in the program needs to call someone for e, s, h. I am very lonely also. But by the time I hit the pillow (usually pretty early), I am exhausted because of my jobs (I know you have several jobs too). I love to sleep. I love to read, too. I read alot of CAL in addition to fiction.
I go to movies alone.
I think for me its important that I not take on any new friendships right now. I really needs to focus on myself as much as possible as this is very difficult for me. Other times in my life I would bake bread and give it away to people- that is what I do when I am grieving alot. Everyone is glad to get a loaf of home made bread (not the kind from those stupid machines either!). Service work does wonders. I know you probably have little time for this.
I am deeply lonely. I left my AH. I have no regrets. I know I am supposed to be right where I am- by myself.
I don't think you really get less lonely, I think you just get happier with yourself and leran to think differently. I will also be alone thanksgiving and am alone pretty much the rest of the time but the best advice I have is take up some hobbies, volunteer, etc.
Loneliness pushed me into a state of depression when I was a young man. The reason I was NOT depressed before I was in that lonely place was that I was termporarily filling the hole that existed inside of me with being busy & having friends. If you fill the hole in you with people, you CANNOT be satisfied unless you have that constant gratification.
The people in our life, especially those we love, are gifts from our Higher Power (whom I choose to call God). Our financial well being... our health... our own mental health are gifts from the same source. They are not a birthright. They are not guaranteed for our life here. These gifts can be taken away at any point. If you were to allow God to fill that hole... His love will never run dry. His gifts may... we can lose our health, people we love & depend on, our jobs. We will never lose God's love. It's there for us whether we pay attention or not. His help got me through my hardships & allowed me to keep my mental health while many difficult life events have just sort of washed over me> He keeps me through it all
) ... but no matter what my Buster cat was always there for me ~ and he had a way of knowing when I was hurting or lonely and he would just plop himself down right on my heart. :pouting: I'm gonna miss him.
