The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I finally blew up at my AH last Friday. He had 34 days of sobriety that ended on 9/23, followed by about 34 days of chronic drinking. He was pulled over a week ago Wednesday and almost got a dui. If freaked him out but he came home drunk on Thursday. On Friday my check was rejected at Wal Mart because he kept taking money out of the account w/out my knowledge (I keep the checkbook).
This cycle of sobriety and chaos has happened countless times over the past 7-years. My close friends who know the situation wonder why I stay. It was always for my daughter, who until now I thought was better off with her nuclear family intact despite his drinking. But, given her age, his behavior, and our financial circumstances I have changed my mind.
I told him on Friday that he could no longer live with us as an actively drinking alcoholic. Plain and simple. For him it was very emotional because he knew it was not a threat, it was reality. Believe it or not he actually thanked me! He has a sponsor and attends at least 3 meetings a week even while drinking. He has been trying so hard to find sobriety, but I told him that I can't wait any longer. If he relapses, he has to go out of the house to find sobriety.
This is a huge step for me. I was always so committed to saving the marriage that I think I was actually enabling him by providing a safe haven for him to be a drunk. His 34 days of sobriety showed me what normal life is like and I am no longer willing to settle for less. He hasn't had a drink since Thursday and claims to have had a religious experience. I hope that is true but I remind him that I mean what I said.
So, now he is sober again and it is like a tornado has gone through. We spent a month dealing with the storm, and now there is a huge mess to clean up. We have $18 in the bank, no groceries, and bills to pay.
I am trying to be optimistic about the future, but I am equally skeptical. I won't back down on my word and I can't allow my heart to be broken if he relapses.
I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your family. If nothing changes, nothing changes. A religious experience just after you set a strong boundary does not sound promising. Sounds like a hoover manuver to me. Stay strong.
My AH and I are in the middle of a long term (a year or so ?) separation that is working oretty well for us. He is learning how to live and take care of himself sober and has 74 days today. I am also learning how to live more independently and I think we set a good example for the kids that this yo yoing in and out of sobriety is not acceptable to put the family through. If he has to do it he has to do it on his own.
Anyway, good luck. It will work out for the best as long as you work your program and let him work his.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This is a huge step for me. I was always so committed to saving the marriage that I think I was actually enabling him by providing a safe haven for him to be a drunk. His 34 days of sobriety showed me what normal life is like and I am no longer willing to settle for less. He hasn't had a drink since Thursday and claims to have had a religious experience. I hope that is true but I remind him that I mean what I said.
That was the conclusion I reached for myself while I still had the exA living with me. He had a comfy place for his rear end and satellite TV in between his monthly binges. Promises and swears to stop and the using continued. I couldn't live with it any more either . . . it occurred to me I really didn't have to, there weren't enough reasons to keep putting up with it.
And I know that internal shift you are talking about. When you've had enough. Period!
Sounds like your man is making a good effort, I'll keep my fingers crossed for all of you :)
I am a bit cynical when they "find religion" just in time to keep from getting kicked out, but I guess I should add that my AH did make lots of good effort at the same time that the hoovers were a hard habit to break. He would still take advantage of them if I gave in.LOL
So I just wanted to say its not all black and white. My AH has been 20 months in the program and most of it not sober. He's making progress by leaps and bounds now, but I'm proud of him for all of his work, not just the last 74 sober days.
Sorry I sounded so negative. If he's going to meetings and he wants in his heart to get sobriety, he will make progress. It just isn't always on our schedule. I guess I can fall into the trap of judging someone elses program as easily as anyone.LOL
My hope is with you both.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
