The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to thos board and so glad to have found it. My mother is an alcoholic and has been for the last 15 years. She goes through brief phases of sobriety. I am getting married next year. My mom and I were meant to go wedding dress shopping together a few weeks ago. She promised she would be sober. I turned up to pick her up that morning and she had been drinking so I went home and didn't go. I am now going again in a couple of weeks. This time I have planned to go with a friend. My mom is upset and wants to come - she calls all the time, leaves crying messages, and makes me feel so guilty that I am not including her in this 'mother-daughter' activity. She says she will never forgive me if I don't bring her along. I don't know what to do and feel terrible - should I give her another chance? If it is a repeat of the first time I will really be devastated (and embarrassed as will have a friend with me). I don't trust her to be sober and until I can (if ever) I am not sure how to involve her.
I don't know ke2. This is not an easy one. You will be told to do what is right for you, which, in my opinion, is no answer at all. So I will try by telling you what I would do.
I would give Mom another chance, but I would be expecting her to be drinking so that I would not be so devastated when I find that she is. That way, you don't have the burden of guilt...not that you should anyway, but I understand why you do...
Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well. I hope you have a lovely wedding and years and years of happiness.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't have any answers for you. So I just wanted to welcome you to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ). Perhaps if you find several dresses the place might let you "borrow" them in order to take them home to show her. You might say that she is ill and can't be here right now. Or take some pictures of you in them and let her give her opinion? Just a thought. Whatever you decide, I hope you will keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:52, 2007-11-09
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know how important it is to have a mother involved in the wedding.
The alcoholic/addict in my life is my oldest daughter. We no longer communicate except for an occasional phone call from her (the last being that she was out of jail after a 5 month stay), and I have little to say.
I have been on both sides of the fence, both as an alcoholic/addict, and as a loved one.
I know, for me, I had to learn how not to pick up the guilt trips that my daughter threw at me. By throwing the guilt onto the loved one, the A essentially doesn't have to deal with it.
It took years of allowing her to control my life/emotions before I finally saw the light.
I know that every time I made a decision based on accepting the guilt she threw at me, the end result was never a happy one for me.
She hasn't been invited to any family functions for years. When she was, she was loud, obnoxious, and had a bad attitude. No one had a good time.
Today I work very hard to make decisions based on what is best for me and my emotional well-being, and I also work hard at not feeling responsible for how others feel about my decisions.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Your Mom is acting like a classic alcoholic, making promises to be sober then playing the guilt card because you had a boundary you didn't allow her to cross. In Alanon we do our best to make them responsible for their choices and deal with the consequences they have created. Please do your best to not accept the guilt. You did exactly the right thing.
You will not be able to trust the disease as long as she is active. We have a statement called the 3C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.
Now, how important is it to YOU that your Mother go with you? This program is totally about YOU and your feelings. If having her with you is something you'd really like, I would tell her again, and make it perfectly clear.... "no drinking" and if she is not sober you will leave again. Maybe you could plan to pick your Mother up early, before you pick up the friend? (We always try to have a plan B). I feel like I should warn you of one of my husband's tricks though. He would wait until just before we left then go guzzle some booze. He would appear sober, then 15 minutes after we had left it would hit him. They have a slew of tricks up their sleeve.
If you really don't feel you can trust her then just put this all right back in her lap. She knew the boundary, she broke the promise, this has all been her choice, you didn't force her to drink. She can only guilt you if accept and allow her to. You did nothing wrong.
I hope you keep coming here and also find a face to face meeting. Alanon can help you deal with all the upcoming issues. Perhaps if you set some strong boundaries now your upcoming shower, wedding etc. will go much smoother. There are meetings in the chatroom (link on left) and there is open chat in between. Feel free to pop in anytime.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Tough call, but what about this idea? Re-book the appointment, and plan to take your Mom AND your friend, and tell your Mom about the date, along with your boundary/need for her to be sober. If she is not sober, just go with your friend, as your Mom had the opportunity (2nd chance) to do this within your boundary.
This won't likely appease her (A's seldom are appeased with logic, lol), but it may help you accept that this is not your issue to feel guilty about??
Just a thought Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
hello key , I too would give her a second chance . include your friend and set the boundary again if she is drinking when u arrive , your mom is only doing what A's do DRINK . so if when u arrive she has been drinking stick to your boundary and leave . Contrary to popular belief this is your big day and all planning should be joyous and happy . Expecting your mom to take responsibility for her decission to drink on shopping day is foolish on your part as long as she continues to drink it will always be someone elses fault . So extend the invitiation ,keep expectations low and keep your boundary firmly in place . and have a great day . Louise
I agree with Louise and Tom, to give your mom a second chance. Pick up the friend first but make it clear to your mom that you have set the boundary if she has been drinking when you get there that you will go shopping for the dress without her.
Don't let her guilt you into taking her with you, if she has been drinking. This is your day, and it should be about YOU and not about her. Whatever the outcome I wish you well with your upcoming wedding.
Wecome to MIP and keep coming back.
Take care of yourself,
Cookie
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thanks everyone for such great advice and support. In the end, my mom did not come (was drinking this weekend). I went with one of my bridesmaids and found a beautiful dress. My mom is upset with me but I felt like I really needed to stick to my boundary. When I pick up the dress in a few months there will be another opportunity for her to come along and be part of the process (see me try it on, etc.). ...so long as she is sober but that part is really up to her. Many thanks again.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the 
). Perhaps if you find several dresses the place might let you "borrow" them in order to take them home to show her. You might say that she is ill and can't be here right now. Or take some pictures of you in them and let her give her opinion? Just a thought. Whatever you decide, I hope you will keep coming back to us. 
