The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First of all, let me tell you how glad I am to have found this site. This is all very new for me and was recommended to me by a good friend who has been to Al-Anon herself (her husband went through AA) and found it very helpful. They are still together and happy.
Alcohol has been an increasingly negative thing in my own relationship with BF. I know it is not a unique story and I will not rehash it but it is definitely new to me and I found myself acting completely nuts (or so it seemed). trying to make deals with him about what days we should drink. Crying hysterically when he would have a beer. Obviously, deeper issues. Finally last week we had the "big talk" where I told him in a respectful voice that his drinking was causing issues for me and to help myself I was going to try an Al-Anon meeting. Well, initially he got really mad and defensive and accused me of calling him a drunk when i did not label him at all and really stuck to my own feelings. I do understand how he must of felt attacked but for once I did not coddle him. Anyway, the next day he told me he would like to go to AA, he was sick of alcohol interfering with the relationship too, and would I please go with him. WEll, of course I was delighted to hear this and said sure. The first meeting is tomorrow. I also said I would be going to an Al-Anon meeting as well, which is going to be on Tuesday.
Anyway, I was feeling really good until I called him tonight and he was having a beer. Immediately my anxiety wells up again to the point where I am crying. I know this is an extreme reaction, but I can't help it. And I know that this is not a "quick fix" type of situation where he decides to go to AA and poof! All better. But I feel....dissapointed.
Anyway, I am sure the meetings deal with this exact issue but I'm just feeling blue tonight and was planning on going to see him and now have reservations even though he said he didn't want to drink anymore tonight, and would I please come over and watch movies with him.
Welcome from Australia. Alcohol will continue to cause many disappointments in your life and I guess the only thing I can say is we have to learn not to have high expectations on the A because we will ultimately get let down. You have made huge progress for yourself and that is the only person you can control. Go to your Al Anon meetings and you will gain the strength to become a healthier person even if your boyfriend chooses not to go to AA. Remember we are here to guide you through and will support you in every choice you make. Keep posting as there is always someone here day and night. Sending you hugs Luv Leo xxx
Welcome Rachel . . . I know how much you want him to quit drinking. The first thing you'll hear at the Alanon meeting on Tuesday is that there is NOTHING you yourself can do for him or to him to make him stop.
Many never stop, in spite of divorce, loss of career, family support. Yet the absolute worst drunks who are near death see "the light" and get sober and go on to lead a good life. It's all up to them. They stop drinking only when the pain of alcoholism is WORSE than the relief they get from drinking.
There's no way you can nudge them or push them there. Recovery from alcoholism is an internal process, started and kept up by the alcoholic themselves.
Thank god for Alanon though! There's not a thing we can do for them -- but our own lives do not need to suffer from their drinking. That's what Alanon is about.
A book I recommend highly is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. I got it for less than two dollars, shipping included, from Amazon.com. It is a classic for the loved ones of alcoholics, a primer for us.
BTW, it is perfectly OK to tell us your "not so unique" story :D . While it's true that alcoholism/addiction is kinda the same, we are each unique individuals and it is GOOD to get the stuff off of your chest, especially at first. It breaks the isolation to just vent and get feedback.
Congratulations . . . this is a huge step forward in your life.
Just wanted to say welcome. I'm so glad you found us. Keep coming back.
You do not ever have to do something that makes you uncomfortable. It is perfectly ok to not go see him when you know he has been drinking. In this program you will learn how to set up your own boundaries and that is a big help to our daily sanity. It reminds us that we do have control over our own life and what we choose to live with.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
welcom tenacious, and of course you were disappointed, it alway horrible when our hopes are dashed but you take care of you and you are on the right path
