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I just told my AH that I would be attending another alanon meeting tomorrow night and my mom would be coming over to babysit since he had a practice with his band. He was visibly upset.
Ten minutes later he came into the living room and spouted angrily "Do you plan to do this every Tuesday night?" I replied "yes". "Well, I just cancelled my band practice..infact I just called it quits on the band all together!!!" and walked away.
I offered to find another meeting time but he didn't listen. What can I do?
I think he feels as if he is capable of watching the child but he wants his band first and probably thinks that your meeting is not as important as his music. By asking your mother it's treating him as if he's not capable. It kinda comes off a critisizing. It should have been talked about prior. Maybe you can come to an agreement next time before it's right at the last minute?? Good luck. I see both your points. :)
Sounds like you going to an Alanon meeting is threatening to him somehow? That's not such a bad thing.
His response -- to quit his band because you might go somewhere for yourself every Tuesday night? Do you see how NUTS that it? How desperate? How incredibly SILLY that is? I'll eat my shorts if he quits his band practise. Just wait, he'll retract that one and you'll see for yourself.
Alcoholics/addicts say one thing and mean another. That's not your problem, this is HIS problem, there is no law against bad wives who go to Alanon meetings.
He's trying to hurt YOU by threatening to hurt himself (giving up band practise, boo hoo). Do you see that? Don't be intimidated by his temper tantrum. Get to that meeting even if you have to take the baby to your Mom's house instead.
BTW this is not uncommon, we've all dealt with our alcoholics playing numbers like this on us. They blame us for their drinking, their misery, because we don't do X and Y, yada yada yada! It's all BS.
Take care of you first, no matter what. He may try more psychological warfare but it's all just noise.
Isn't it amazing how they can make any situation seem like it is all about them. By non reacting and going on with your plans, you have not allowed him to be successful in making it all about him. Even though I know that you are probably thinking a million what ifs. I know I do when things like that happen. From what I understand the more that we work the program and become healthy ourselves, the less we will think about them.
Keep going to the meetings. You help me to find the strength to go. I have not been for a long time....but have been thinking of going.
Your on your way!!!! LOL I remember the first time I told my A that I was going to something for myself.....he tried the same thing but it was "FINE I'LL JUST GO TO THE BAR THAT NIGHT" Okay is all I said, if you need to do that for yourself, I am doing this for myself. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do to take care..... Hugs Mare
I gotta chime in here too. You have no reason to change your planned meeting. AH had band practice so you did the responsible thing and asked Mom to care for the kids. Seems it should have worked out fine for all involved. You could go to the meeting, hubby could go to practice and the kids were cared for. If AH decides to play martyr for some reason that's on him, There's no reason he has to stay home, quit the band or any other thing. He's an adult. He's making his own decisions. If he chooses to stay home on Tues., so be it. His choice.
My guess is that he fears you taking the plunge and attending Alanon. Most uninformed alcoholics think Alanon is the enemy. So there ya have it. You are taking a stand and marching off to join the enemy. He in turn is trying to guilt you in to thinking you shouldn't go because now he has (chooses) to stay home with the kids. Allow him the dignity to see where playing the martyr gets him. He'll at some point be sitting home on a Tues. wondering why he did what he did, and know that it backfired. He's stuck home and he didn't stop you. The pity plan didn't work. A's are much like kids at times. They have to learn from their actions that there are consequences.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Oftentimes, an active A sees Al-Anon as a threat because he/she fears the loss of control over the spouse/significant other. It is a control thing. You handled it perfectly--the A already had plans, so you made arrangements for child care so that you can take care of you.
In my experience, it would not have been productive to have consulted with the A first. Oftentimes, if the active A agrees to babysit so that the other person can attend an Al-Anon meeting, the A sabotages the plans by showing up late, picking a fight, failing to show at all, etc. Again, it is a control thing.
By taking the approach you did, you kept control over your plans and made sure that you are able to do what you need to do for yourself. Way to go!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thank you (((all))). He did cancel his practice and said "If you're going to thatmeeting, I am staying right here" "Okay..if that is what you want to do."
I didn't sleep much last night and know that he didn't either. I woke up to find that he drank twice as much as he usually does. (I know I'm not supposed to count...still trying to get a handle on that one )
I must admit it felt good to stand up for myself. I will be attending the meeting tonight.
You hold the key... You made a simple decission on something to do... made proper arangments so it didn't interfere with his schedule. In any normal situation that would be called having plans... no big deal.
In my case it hit my wife's guilt button... change was scary for her, and like was said she thought it was all about fixing her.
Changing your plans is up to you... but if you feel you need this to be healthy (as I did), then it is not selfish it is necessary.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You do exactly what you planned. You still have your mother in law come over and babysit if you want. Recovery is about taking back your life. You're doing just that. If he wants to quit his band, so be it. That's his choice. He's an adult. Put the focus on you where it belongs. You're doing just fine. I'm proud of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Awesome ((((((((((((((KimG))))))))))))) I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what is best for you and your kids!!!
Let him sit in his pitty pot for awhile and you keep taking care of you and getting healthier....
My kids and I have this saying " Either wipe your Ass and get off the pot or sit there and be miserable.." It's your choice!!!!!! My kids are learning the alanon program language!!! YAHOO!!!
For years I bent over backwards to appease my A in my life (husband), changed/altered/ did cartwheels for him. I thought it was what I "should" do. And by not taking care of myself first and foremost, I became sicker than he was. I also didnt listen to what my alanon friends tried to tell me, thinking I could do this alone my way etc.... NOT! I have to agree with all who answered your cry for "help".....and just go to your meetings, you have done nothing wrong, you have made arrangements for the children etc, and you are taking care of YOU!...................."This Too Shall Pass"
I handled plenty of temper tantrums with the Ex. When he came over recnelty to pick up stuff he had a huge tantrum. I stood my ground and told him I was busy and did not have all day.
I no longer try to please him at the expense of myself. I did tht for 7 years and ended up a basket case.
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