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Ok so after all that my AH said the other night, he just text messaged me. Love u more every day-will be here waiting if u ever want me back in your life
What the heck am I supposed to do with that? I mean, the other day he was mad b/c he wasn't getting laid and said we needed to start seeing other people. Now this! What the heck? I mean we signed our divorce papers a month ago!! Granted they won't be filed w/the courts until Jan 16, 2008 but still, they are signed.
It is up and down w/this man and it is driving me crazy!!!! I will admit that I like having his support with the kids (when he gives it) but I want to move on from "Us". He pushes me away and then throws a rope around me to reel me back in. I cannot stand this crap any more.
Maybe he is feeling depressed b/c he hasn't worked since last Friday. He has something wrong w/his hands. It causes them to swell up like water balloons and hurt so bad he cannot even tie his shoes. He doesn't have health insurance yet and went to the doc in a box yesterday to see what was wrong with them. $200 later they said he needs to see a specialist b/c it may be carpal tunnel. In the meantime they gave him some meds that should help w/pain and swelling and some sort of braces to wear at night. Considering he just text me, I am figuring he didn't go to work today either. He did mention that the doctor wrote him a "No work for one week" note but what good does that do when you are paid hourly w/out pay for sick time/time out?
I just am at my wits end in dealing with him. Sometimes I find I just wish he would disappear and mail me money every month for the kids. No other contact. That way I could move on without feeling guilty about leaving him behind. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty for leaving a man behind that I am divorcing who has left me behind so many times in the past, used up all of our money, cheated on me and lied to me. Knowing how you should feel and actually feeling it are two different things.
Ya know, it is almost like he is the monkey on my back just like crack and alcohol are the monkeys on his back. We both want to get rid of the monkeys but the dang monkeys won't let us go. We make progress for a while but just when we think we got it nipped, that monkey clammers back up onto our backs. Arrggg!!!! An endless cycle.
All I can say is that having no contact no phone calls, no writing of letters, nothing has been the very best thing for me. I just pretend like he's not a factor and then go on accordingly and then he becomes less and less of one. These conversations sound EXACTLY and I mean word for word like the ones between my A and I when I first moved out, actually for the first several months about seeing other people, moving on, etc and I gotta say that right after that conversation he did go on out and find some girl and assault her and go to jail apparently. Then he has been with her several times since and she's been in jail, a horrible car accident that broke her leg in multiple places, and I'm sure more I don't know about. The point? Are you really losing anything by letting him go on his way? It's hard I know but it has been the best thing for me. You don't HAVE to answer the phone!
I can relate very very much. I held onto to the fact the A could come around. He always came around in some way in the pas.t We'd have near misses on splitting up, I'd move out (that was short lived0. We'd get back together. It is hard to say this is final final. I had to get to the point with the A that his behavior was so so destructive to me that I couldn't go on. Othersie I'd still be in there trying.
For me personally (and I'm not suggesting its that way for you) I had a real issue with going on on my own for ever. The a has not made any money this year at all. He has drained me totally financially.
I had an extremely hard time limiting contact with the A. I would be consumed wiht worrying about hima nd worrying what he was doing. My A has had a lot of health issues and I would be so on top of them. My own health is not something I take action on but his health oh I can tell you it all.
I think it is hard to let go. At the same time if someone drives you nuts they drive you nuts. I can't go on with that. I know I am better off without hm. That was not always the case. It is now. The a has shredeed absolutely shredded any vestige of trust. I confronted him heavily a week ago that when I needed him he was never around. He had no time to search for the dog (who was missing0 but he has time to sell off my truck for his own gains. He had no time ever for me when I was sick, never ever but expected me to play nursemaid to him. When I kept looking and looking at that kind of stuff there was no decision it just didn't make sense to be in contact with him.
I have taken for ever and ever to get to the point of saying no more. I don't judge anyone else for taking a long time to get there. There were many many many hooks for me, when I started naming thehooks things started changing.
Ironically when I stopped resenting and hating him things changed too. When I wasn't ovewhelmed with reacting to him I could take actions which took my out of his orbit.
QOD, I liked your responses to him the other night of, "ok". Seriously, I hate that you are going through this. Keep your chin up. You are doing really great!
You can only take care of your part...the part that participates, the part that is connected to your reactions. It's no mystry why a person much less a man, much less an alcoholic man acts the way he does. You never had normal, you had sick and we don't get well overnight. We get well over time especially when we use the whole program. Al-Anon has never suggested divorce from the alcoholic or anyone else. The program advises against it and just one reason is that the sick partners need the time in a recovery program to sort out their reasoning skills and the facts and their needs before making the decision to or not to make such a strong decision. Evidently even with all of the problems you discribe your partner doesn't see the picture as a hopeless cause even after he has signed the papers. Does he have to be on the same page as you? I use to wish that would be true yet in reality it's rare and it is supposed to be rare when the issue is personalities. I have seen this often on both sides of the fence many times in this program and that is why I was taught to suggest to my sponsees to wait and work their program of recovery for two years before tackling such a traumatic decision. It is better for me to clean up my side of the street first before acting rather than not and to just react. I have been wrong in my decision making many times while I just knew that the decision I was making was the right one and I will continue to be that way if I don't cease my stinking thinking and use the tools of the program. I learned to also give my alcoholic "grace" to be human which at sometimes mean't to swing from being a clown to the most rational, sane woman in the county. At times she was. Funny thing was I reacted to the clown part most and discounted her being rational and sane totally.
Chances are that your husband is taking the risk of expressing his feelings and wishes and maybe with the forethought that he will be rejected....bummer! He had something to do about it as my alcoholic did and the only part I can change is my own. I learned to see her as a child of God, a mother, hard worker, funny bone to the max, caring and concerned and then came the alcoholic part. She wasn't all alcoholic just as she wasn't the whole problem.
I am technically challenged so I wouldn't get the message even if I did have a cell phone! Remember his confusion is his confusion, nothing you can do about it. If you want to get the monkey off your back, don't feed it no matter what! Hang in there.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You are not a sucker at all...the As are on such emotional roller coasters and take us with them if we let them. It took em a long time to get it too and just made me insane as I responded to him. He'd tell me one time he wanted to have my children, and within 3 hours tell me he was so over me and that he was going to be with his mistress. (There wasn't a mistress, it was "the bottle") At any rate, it was his sickness and when I got off it, I started getting better. Really better. I stopped picking up his phone calls and distanced myself. The more he realized I wasn't going to be sick with him, the better. He finally found sobriety, rehab and is working a strong program for himself. I still have a lot of distance in our interaction but we are starting a healthy friendship at the moment. Keep on posting - you are not alone!
Remember his confusion is his confusion, nothing you can do about it. If you want to get the monkey off your back, don't feed it no matter what! 
Hang in there.