The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm finally finally finally in regroup mode. I am able to pay down some of my bills (I will be years paying them). I am looking to a time when I can save and move on. I am looking at what my options are on many many levels. I feel more positive than I have for a long time. I am going tomorrow to get my hair cut and done (Have not been able to do that for months). I am looking to how can I live in a tiny room with all those pets and move forward. I am going to be in storage all weekend putting most of my stuff there! I am looking at where do I need to go next how can I get here. And best of all its all reality based. I'm also looking for the 2nd job for a short time period to finance it. I'll work on the weekend if I can. I've put out applications no luck yet. I 'm determined to keep moving though so much better than paralysis. I spoke to the A the other day. I am tired of trying to interpret what's really going on for him. After leaning on me so heavily for months he got some kind of general assistance, food stamps and still has a roof over his head. I offered nothing for once. I've stopped suggesting he be in reality.
There are days when I feel exhausted and defeated and submerged in fear. There are other days like this one when I believe I can move on from this and have a life rather than survive.
My days where I feel strong and like moving forward is an adventure in possibility are getting more frequent lately. I KNOW this is because I'm not holding myself back in fear in SOME areas (others still need work). The less I hold myself back, the more I feel "strong" and positive, the more easily problems are solved that stumped me just the week before.
What looked impossible before looks completely possible. I'm becoming convinced (as the veteran Alanons say) that it is all about how you think about things. If I look at "it" with a fearful attitude, it looks impossible.
So the things I'm looking at as impossible . . . perhaps they aren't at all, and I need to change how I think about them.
Besides Mary, the more animals you have in the house, the lower your heat bill will be. No need for an electric blanket either.
Anyway . . . the more I keep working this program, the more I'm wondering if these exhausted, defeated "feelings" I go through, like you, are even REAL or a product of my own stinkin' thinking?? Hmmmm. Glad we're here together on this :)
You sound like you are doing much better. Dogs are pack animals so I'm sure they love the tiny space I hope one day you can cut all ties with your A. I think once you are rid of him for good then you will find happiness. I think he pulls you down. That's just my opinion and my experience with my own A. Keep moving forward, it's working for you.
Wow, such progress in what seems like such a short time! I notice that ever since you walked away you seem to have gotten stronger and stronger and are thinking more clearly now! Those days of fear will become less and less and the days of pride in your accomplishments and perserverence through hardship will become more and more. Pretty soon the fears will totally disappear as you realize YOU CAN DO THIS and not only survive but thrive!
