Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need to mean what I say and not say it mean when he comes home :)
Post Info TOPIC: I need to mean what I say and not say it mean when he comes home :)
Mandy123


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 707
Date:
I need to mean what I say and not say it mean when he comes home :)
Permalink  

Hi family,
I am here because I need to vent before my hubby gets home. He went out last night and didn't come back. Nothing new, old behaviours coming back.

Next Wednesday he will have been back from a 7 month stint in our county jail. about 3 weeks before he came home I asked him if he could not stay clean and sober then it was over between the 2 of us. At this point and time in my life I am not strong enough to stay healthy with him being sick and active.

He had a few beers like the third night home and I went into a rage. His behaviour shocked me instead of reacting he walked away and sat down t watch a movie until I calmed down (this shocked me and then I saw how stupid I was acting and clamed down pretty quickly). I was able to tell him that I was afraid of letting him back in, trying to trust him again, only to loose him to the disease yet again. After 10 years of doing that I don't feel strong enough to keep this up. He asked what made me think he could not stop at just a few beers. (I forced back an "are you kidding me, do i really need to answer that?", and just said becuase you are an addict. Everything I have ever learned, heard, and seen about this disease tells me that can not happen, being an addict means that switch that says it is time to stop isn't working. I once again asked him to show me in the Big Book (AA book written by Bill W. and Dr. Bob (founders of AA)) and show me where Bill says you can maintain (this is not the first time I have asked him to do this). He got very defensive (normally does when I say he is an addict, he hates labels) and said he could do it. I asked him if he heard any of that when he was attending meetings. He said that he could drink a little and it wouldn't affect his family.

BS. Last night had an affect on his family. I did the same things I normally did in the past, stayed up worrying wether he was soming home or not. And this time I was only worried about the car. I need that for work and getting the kids to daycare, I am about 3 or  4 miles from a busline. I just wanted my car to be safely parked in the driveway.

This morning once again I had to answer the question that can boil my blood faster than anything, "Where's daddy". This is affecting us.

You know it is ironic that this happened last night. Yesterday at work I transported a man on my case load to a treatment center where I placed him to gain work experience. This man and I knew each other before he became my client, we were in many of the same classes at school this past year. On the way we were talkng about his M-I-L and how my mom both don't understan the disease concept. The "why don't they just stop" or "can't he see what he is doing to themselves" or "can't they see what they are doing to there families". When I said that question out loud, telling this man that I hear that all the time from my mom; he said that was the very last thing he became aware of, and he was well into his treatment program before he saw the affect on his family. I told him that I honeslty believe that if my hubby could really see and comprehend what he was doing to his kids and me that he would stop, but the disease won't let him. This man agreeded with me. And it hurts, it hurts that he can't see it. What's worse is that I can try and try and tell him, but he still can't see. He goes into rationalizations and justifications. I know this is his disease protecting him, but I no longer will.

I spoke with him an hour ago and he said he would be home soon (now that could mean tonight for all I know). I needed to calm down. I need to say what I mean and not say it mean. And if I wouldn't have come here to vent, I would have been a nasty b%&@h. 

There is a song out by Kell Clarkson (also a version with Kelly and Reba McEntire) called because of you and everytime it plays I picture my hubby. Now the song was written with a whole other meaning. But it makes me think of him, so for me that is what I see. I will close this babbeling with the lyrics to that song.

Love you all and thanks for being here, I need you.

Yours in Recovery,
Mandy123 aka Dolphin123

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because Of You lyrics

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

 

__________________

"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall

God is seldom early, but he is never late.
abbyal


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3854
Date:
Permalink  

Hello Mandy , u missed one important line in  Say what u mean , MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, Don't be mean when u say it .   Make sure before you speak with him that your willing to carry out any boundary u set with your relationship, if we don't follow thru it's just another idle threat that they know we cannot or will not carry out. Say whats on your mind , wait til he sober hung over they will agree to anything to get us off t hier backs.
Stay calm if you can , we are far m ore affective when calm . raging just gets lost and things are said that we really don't mean .  Easy does it girl .  Instead of waiting for him to come home can u get a friend to pick you and kids up and go out for the day > or take that bus you talked about , enjoy the day with your kids .  He is alcoholic and is only doing what alcoholics do .  Drink
Louise

__________________

I came- I came to-I came to be
Christy


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3223
Date:
Permalink  

((((mandy/dolph))))

I'm sorry things are as they are.  It's such a shame after 7 mo. that the disease has him in it's clutches again.  Of course we know it's never too far away from them.
I wish you strength and calm, I know you can pull it off.  I used to consider it a battle of wills to stay calm, me against the disease.  Looking at it that way  I usually won..
I just didn't want to allow the damn disease to steal an ounce of my power or peace. 
Sometimes it was per each breath, but I did it..lol
I have faith in you girl!!  You can do it!

Christy

__________________

If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Karilynn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3656
Date:
Permalink  

((((((((((Mandy)))))))),

Can't add much to these two great replies. But I can send you all my love and blessings. Keeping you in my prayers as always. You have taught me so much on how NOT to react to A's disease. You are a source of great strength. When in doubt about your abilities, remember what you tell all of us here.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty heart.gif

__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I need to mean what I say and not say it mean when he comes home :)