The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got your phone call. I have taken off Sunday the 21st[of Oct] to spend with you and John before you leave.
I'm going to ask in the future that rather than saying things such as that you're looking forward to hearing about possible job interviews that you wait for me to discuss my employment situation, in general. The reality is that it comes across that you're expecting me to make some significant decisions about myself and my situation, starting with a job, and I can only do so much as far as a job is concerned. Additionally, the element of hoping to hear about job prospects places an expectation that if I don't have a job then I'm not doing something right or correctly, and that's not fair.
I'm also going to ask, also, that any time Dad tries to get you involved in a situation--like with the wedding--that you stay out of it. I meant it last night when I said that he was trying to rope you into something, and it really bothered me when you dismissed my feelings. It came across as if that if I "just went to the wedding" it would be okay between me and him and we could have a relationship; the reality is that in the past 3 years Dad's involvement with narcotics has escalated and his violence has, too. I had made it clear to Dad that I wasn't going to go, and I didn't appreciate him calling other people to make me feel guilty about my refusal about it, and when you cut me off and dismissed me, it really hurt. I've tried, alot, to make it clear to you that Dad has become extremely violent and I'm not sure what it's going to take to help you understand that Dad is not the same person he was when you and he split, and when you don't listen to me, like you didn't last night, I feel like you're willing to let him hurt me to "make everything okay," and that scares me.
I really hope that's not the case. Dad's violence has progressed that I've told him that if he touches me in any way ever again, I'm going to the police because he can't control himself--that means no hugs, no kisses good bye, no nothing. I hope that this explicit enough for you to understand why he and I don't have a relationship and why it is it's upsetting when you suggest to me that I "just" go to the house to "just" do a load of laundry for him or "just" do a load of dishes. Now, if you have questions about exactly the types of things he's tried to do, I will answer that; but I will not be blamed, shamed, or accept any sort of implications that I am responsible for his violence.
I'll look forward to seeing you next month.
~~Sarah
I'm sittin in the library, the tears are streaming down. I'm reminding myself that what my sponsor says is always true, there's nothing God and me can't handle, I'm trying to keep it together to remind myself that, sometimes, being direct is the best boundry I can set with myself for my own mental health and healing. But I definately need yall. Even if its just to be reminded that there's nothing God me and al anon can't handle.
Sounds like you have laid your boundaries out well and clearly. Whether they will be respected is another matter, but that part is not yours. Good for you.
I feel for you hon. I wish I could be there with you to wipes the tears from your pretty face. I wish I could tell that it will be alright, but I don't know that. I wish we could go to the hardware store for bread but we can't.
I can, however, tell you that I love ya. Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I hear your pain and despair but also I hear your strength, clarity of boundaries and direct honesty. There is nothing God and you can't handle. You and your God are going to be ok. ((((((((Sarah)))))))))
In support, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I too can hear the pain in your post. Imho I think you are doing what is best for you. I know for me setting boundaries is not easy...it feels uncomfortable becasue I'm used to pleasing everyone else...Hang in there...you will get thru it.
You're doing it, hon. I know it hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot to do what you know is right, but you will get through this. We're here for you. You know that. We love you and we understand.
You have done what you can to be forthright. You have given them respect by being honest. What they do with it now is their business.
Do something nice for you today.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I cringed at the last paragraph. I hope your mom doesn't need for you to be more explicit.
As a son of a mother who was a violence survivor and then later a husband of a woman survivor of the same type of abuse it sickens me. I'm only on the outside witnessing the effects of this abuse, especially when it goes undealth with.
I see so much strengh in your experience that it gives me much hope.
Be True to Yourself (shamless alluding to another post :)), hold your boundies and keep that growth going.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
