The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I looked into the face of insanity. I wish I could say it is the first time I've seen this, it's been a while. My A and I are divorcing. He is a control freak and he's not handling this well.
He scares me and I'm scared for him. To see someone rage thru 3 or 4 different extreme emotions in the matter of five minutes is so...scary that's what it is. I am proud of myself though, last night I did well. He called today trying hard to explain himself -- I just told him that I don't need to understand, that I know where I'm at and I can't deal with another event like last night. I didn't talk to him long -- I can't and there is no reason to.
I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling bad for him, I'm tired of looking at a person so screwed up, I'm tired of trying so hard to ....help?? I don't know -- doing what's best for me is definately not helping him. I asked someone how an A gets to throw my world into chaos and then play the victim -- it's just insane. He scares me. No more blinders, my daughter even said last week regarding something that came up, that she was afraid for me to tell her dad -- that I knew how he was. From an 11 yr old no less.
This is the time I'd like to stop the world and get off. But I keep moving forward. It'd be so much easier to keep towing the line -- only I can't anymore. I deserve to be healthy -- he can stay in the insanity.
If you have a prayer list, I'd love it if you'd add me to it...and also my A.
My heart goes out to ya. I watched as my wife destroyed truth, honesty, responsibility, trust, and the mental & physical health of the both of us. The denial, the lies, the self-told lies, the manipulation: it is too much. My participation in trying to find a way back to healthy for us as a couple was a huge exercise in futility.
Take good care of yourself and daughter~~
with love, and prayers cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
For me, it was when I looked at that raging face and saw what was really there - serious illness, something really WRONG - that I started to heal. It meant compassion could enter the picture - this is not just a husband being a jerk, this is a sick person out of control. It meant I could let go of the 'if he really loved me he'd....' myth. Serious mental illness doesn't respond to those women's magazine ploys.
I feel for you and your daughter. "This too shall pass" is a truth to hang on to in times like these. I hope the best for you both and you will come out stronger on the other side.
Sorry about the insanity. Hopefully it will all be over soon. This is the time to be extra good for yourself. I can remember those feelings so well. Those were the days when I would find a way to take a Pipers Kitty day, away from the house and the stress of everything. Even if it meant, packing a lunch and taking it to the park or something inexpensive like that. I needed to feel human again. As always you are in my prayers. Hang in there, hopefully it will all ve over soon.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your 11 year old daughter sounds alot like my 11 year old daughter. I am sorry that you both are going through this. And I also hope that this all passes soon!!!
They say it's always darkest before the dawn... I am hoping that this passes quickly and as smoothly as possible for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with the madness right now but like another said, this too shall pass and you'll be stronger for it! Prayers for you!
On a side note: I saw a lunamoth at my house last night, had no idea what it was, it was so luminescent and beautiful. The kids said it was a rabid butterfly LOL That was their explanation for it flying at night. It was so beautiful and I had never seen one before, I was greatful for its appearance at my back door.
I'm with Lin, I saw it and it could be nothing but a disease, or else demonic possession. I prefer, relate to, and it works better for me to see it as a disease :) tho.
I couldn't live with it myself. Disease or not. Yes, compassion has entered the pic now that the A is no longer in my home or my life for that matter. But no way, I couldn't live with it. No way. I went into survival mode and did what I had to do to get as far away from it as possible. That of course was after my A made threats to harm me and even gestures to do so.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, whatever you need to do to make yourself OK.
I can definitley relate to that it was easier to keep throwing the line. I stopped it has been very very hard to stop but I did stop.
I also know the face of insanity, survival really for him. I am no longer willing to be there either. My life is hard but it is much much harder with him.
