The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I was bent out of shape and mind to help others, take care of others, try to fix their mistakes, or cover up, or just basically take care of their needs first and foremost. My needs and wants fell onto the backburner. I was going to help them if they liked it or not, because that I thought was my job, as a wife, mother, daughter, sibling, friend. Isnt that what all of us do? I always felt others were being selfish when they put themselves first. Little did I know when you put effort into taking care of yourself first and foremost, that you are a better person for all who are around you. Instead of reminding an adult children or husband etc about going to the doctor or dentist, why not look at yourself and ask when was the last time you went to see the doctor or dentist? When was the last time you enjoyed your own company, or went shopping for just you? These are not being selfish, these are things, we need to do for ourselves. It took alanon meetings for me to accept "its ok to take care of my needs first". Pat yourself on your back, and give yourself credit, and truly like yourself, and focus on YOU!
Yes, I thought taking care of others was how I showed I loved them. AND how others loved me..... being the baby of the family I had a lot of therapy to do to break free from older siblings & parents "shoulds" I was the queen of "shoulding on myself" except the 8 different adult figgures sent me different "shoulds" and I was a chameleon until I lost myself completely. And this was a non alcoholic home!!! that I grew up in. Now as I learn more in AlAnonI have my suspicions that I might be a grandchild of an A, amazing and sad to know.
I found doing it my way for my husband to be simplified finally but now 24 years later, I find that I have helped to enable this progressive functioning AH to also "should" on me. In some ways I am surprised that I let this happen AGAIN but then I also remember how hard it is to change anything like putting your toothbrush in a different place than usual. I am grieving my dreams, I am afraid of what the future will bring but I have hope that I will learn what to do with help from AlAnon.
Your post is so right but sometimes so difficult to do - it helps me to count even the tiny progress I make each day. I like day after day, month after month........ it is a relief and brings me a shred of hope that I have finally picked the road at the latest fork in my journey that my HP reccommends. I have hope now & then but I am very scared and so very deeply sad for me, for my AH and for our children.
ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
LOL, I didn't even know what my needs ARE. I have needs, alright, but I thought they were the need for others to be a certain way toward me, for instance.
I'm beginning to see myself as a person who's been through a tumultuous time who didn't know how to do it any better than she did . . . she needs help, she's been sick, and now she's accepting help. She's on her way now!
