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Life has been a hellacious place for me in these past few months... My husband of 20 yrs Chuck passed away last week...it was horrible and hellish... I had to have him removed from life support in the end and he knew exactly what was happening talk about hell on earth..
Well Don turned out to be worse than Chuck..surprise surprise... he was the one who got in my account...again...life...who knows where it will bring us...
Chuck came home a few weeks ago...he was ill and homeless...after 2o yrs of marriage I just decided to help him out.. he got sick..needed some surgery...never got well after surgery he never came off of the vent...it was the longest and most painful 3 weeks of my life... I finally had to make the decision to have him removed from life support...dear god that was the most painful thing I have ever faced in my life...Chuck knew exactly what was happening...The last look from him was of love and a wink to me to let me know it was time...he is finally at peace from the demons that have haunted him his whole life...only here I am...a single mom..and no chance of him ever coming back or no chance of recovery..this realization has been hell...very emotional and very painful....the only solice me and my kids can take is he is finally at peace with himself...
Dear friends my words of wisdom thur this hellish nightmare are this, remember it is a disease and some people just can not beat it...no matter how hard they try and want to be sober...the addiction is stronger than them....
If you have a love in your life that is an addict..please please....give it every opportunity to heal...give yourself the time and room to look at your life because death is final and there is not chance of tomorrow...
I would give anything on this earth to have one more day with him one more minute, after all the sober chuck was a kind, considerate, loving man...the addiction was bigger than him...
I have alot of wonderful memories, which I hold on to with everything I have right now...I had a small memorial service on Thursday, the pastor was wonderful he knew chuck and his message was remember the good a person offers...Chuck touched many lives on this earth in a great way...he was very kind hearted and a wonderful coach...
I loved my husband, I lost him twice in a year....this past year for me has been hell....and I mean HELL...I am getting by...coping the best I can....
Just remember there is no tomorrow.....just for today is what we have....
Addiction Loves nobody....kills all we love and makes it hard to see the joy in life...try dear friends, if you still have your loved ones...try as you can to hold onto the good.....death is final...no tomorrow...
My prayers go out to all suffering at the hands of this disease, the addicts and the families...
p.s. Got your message. Gonna give my A a big hug wheen he gets home, even if he's late.
-- Edited by Jen at 19:54, 2007-08-08
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Oh Lady I sure know where you are. Sadly my first husband who was only 27, died from the D disease too. And you are right, when it comes down to they really do die, you do realize it even more that it is a disease.
In fact Andrea, I have been asked many times how I can detach, how I get it is a disease so well. You just answered that question. I did not realize that till your post.
I am in tears knowing what you are going thru. Please allow yourself to nap and let your heart heal.
For your same reasons, I pray that when my A is at that point, that I can bring him home to me to help him with his dieing. I tell ya, it sure is the most horrible thing but most loving thing to go thru, being there for our loved ones as they leave the earth. It makes you see how much matters and what does not.
It is a time when, to me, we are at our most beautiful. We are raw and real and not phony or manipulative or anything.When you share a persons death, you cannot do it unless it is pure love.
Andrea my heart is in my throat for you. I said what you did too, just ten more minutes please,please.
I wish I could ease that tight gut your carry and those painful lines on your face. I loved your post. you are so brave and you took the time in all this to write and share this.
People do not understand why some of us try so hard to stay with our A using or not. This is why I say, I would gladly live with my A having the skills and having set up my life so the disease cannot take away everything. That all I would lose is him. But the horrible physical abuse he now does to everyone, stops me.
Thank you so much for being you and being willing to teach about this very hard lesson.
And I will keep you and yours in my prayers to heal strong from this experience.
Love, and gratitude, debilyn surviving wife of Edward Columbus McPhate, and now living in the knowledge that she will lose her now husband the same way.
Andrea, I'm no longer with my A, and your post reminds me this may be how I say goodbye, some folks just don't make it. Your sharing has given me reason to forgive. Thank you.
((((((((((((((((Andrea)))))))))))))))))))) Your post touched me also. I went through that with my brother not long ago. I found it amazing that in spite of the alcohol, he was a really fine guy, and that is all that counts in the end.
You can comfort yourself knowing that you did what you could - you could not save him but it sounds like he knew at the end that you did love him.
And, yes, our A's are not bad people, they are sick people. Even when it is not possible for our own good to live with them, they are worthy of love - as they say at AA "God doesn't make junk".
My thoughts are with you. I know what youare going through and I believe that there will be joy in your life again, when you are ready.
I lost my best freind. She was only 36 and totally beautiful, had the world at her feet. She was so damn funny and we swore we were twin sisters. We used to say God had to put us in different uterus' because I did not like her mother. hahaha Since she died my happiness has left. Not like the happiness my children give me or life in general. When I talked to her she always loved me no matter what, if I had a problem she made it her problem too. She cracked me up because you would never know what would come out of her mouth. I know for a fact she tried and tried with everything inside of her to quit. She couldn't. If she stopped, she would go into seizures. I don't think she knew that liver failure was so horrible and what exactly happens. I saw her a week before she died and didn't recognize my beautiful friend. I did get to tell her I love her with my heart and soul.
I never really thought alcholism killed people until her. You say to try but there really is nothing anyone can do to stop them. It's their battle. It's hard to say goodbye to them when it seems like it's pure suicide and it could have been prevented. That was hard for me. I will forever love her with all my heart and no one can take her place. I miss her so much and I hate that I have to go on without her in my life. I hope one day we will see each other again if heaven is where we go. RIP both of you. :(
I have thought of you often in the last two weeks -- there have been times where I wished I could ask you things since our stories have been very similar. Tonight my heart break for you and the kids though I am glad that you and Chuck were able to find some kind of peace in the end.
I can honestly say I hate this disease and the pain that it causes. You are in my prayers. Thank you for your words tonight.
Hello Andrea , am so sorry for your loss , but am grateful that u allowed him to come home again before he passed away . That was a gift for you and the kids. There is no cure insanity or death as it says in the big book , and unfortuantley you have had to deal with the latter. You did the right thing Andrea , I am very proud of you . I know it wasn't easy for you to do that . There is really nothing more to say other than I am thinking of you and your kids . Love Louise
Oh sweet lady, my heart breaks for you and the kids. You have been through so much, and held up with grace and kindness. You did a very wonderful thing for Chuck, yourself and the children. I am sure he left this earth knowing that despite all that went on, he loved you and the kids. He knew that you all loved him dearly. Hold tight to the memory of your last days with him. He still had that twinkle in his eyes. That was the love for his family and his way of saying "It's okay". He'll always be with you and the kids.
Thank you for reminding us of how special our As are. I've always said that I love my husband dearly, just not the addiction. It doesn't matter if they are sober or not. It's the person we fell in love with and still love, not the disease. Inside them are still the sweet, loving, silly, kind compassionate people they were before the disease overtook their lives.
As always I will keep you and your family in my prayers tonight. We love you dearly.
Karilynn, Hubby and Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I feel deep sadness for you. My A father was able to spend time back at home with my mom right before he passed. He wasn't that sick that we knew of but sometimes I think they know when it might be getting close. He was a wonderful man that everyone loved but he was one of those unfortunates that is talked about in the Big Book.
I have tears in my eyes as I read this wonderful message. It really does help us to have much more compassion.
Thank you so much for it and I will pray for your family.
I am so truly sorry for your loss. I know how much you truly loved the man inside as we have talked before. Your post just solidifies my resolve to hold compassion for my AH (sober for now) and enjoy every minute with him as if it were the last. You just never know the disease is a killer for so many.
So very sorry for your loss, what a beautiful post of rememberance to your husband. So glad that he gave you some wonderful memories to hold onto. May he rest in peace. Keep posting to us when you need that extra support.
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
My heartfelt sympathy for you and your family. You are an inspiration my dear. After I read your post I told my AH (sober) that I loved him...he looked at me and asked what brought that on...and I said a message from a friend. Thank you for sharing this most difficult time with us. Know you are in my prayers.
I'm so sorry about both Don and Chuck. I re-read your posts and can't imagine how hurtful and disillusioning the thing with Don would have been.
Chuck, though -- that has me in tears. I'm so very glad you could do that for him and for you. You will always be glad you did what you did. Everyone else put it so much better -- what they all said!
I'll be thinking of you often these coming days and weeks as you come to terms with what's happened. I hope you feel your HP's arms around you.
You and your dear children have my deepest sympathy during this painful and sad time in your lives. My heart goes out to you and I pray God pours out his peace on all of you and gives you the strength to move on and enjoy your lives in the knowledge that you had some closure in the end. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I care so much.
