The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and surprising. I ran to the little store in town this morning for gas and passed the A coming out of the store. We were both shocked for a second or two, then he grinned at me . . . his best "Hi, Sweetheart" sort of grin. The one that made my knees weak way back when we began dating.
I looked away so fast I almost missed it, and kept walking. I grabbed my Starbucks sugar bomb drink, paid for my gas, and listened to the cashier tell me, "Looks like he's doing real well . . . maybe he'll get his act together??"
By the time I got out to my car tears were dripping from my chin. I just had to sit and cry for a few minutes. I had no coherent thoughts, other than such sadness and grief.
I got home and started milking the goats. I told HP "This is yours, I don't even know WHAT I'm feeling right now, but I know you do. I'm letting you have it because I don't have it in me to do anything with it right now."
The goats got milked, and I had my usual morning of enjoyment with the chickens, the brave turkey who I caught drinking the milk right out of the bucket (what's a little turkey spit between friends??), the usual stuff.
So now that HP took it and I'm less volatile, I have to wonder what happened. The Hi Sweetheart smile undid me somehow, and I wanted to scratch the smile off of his face. How DARE he smile at me ?? I am offended. I feel deeply HURT by it.
We passed a communication to each other, and maybe I do not need to interpret it, but it hit me hard and I thought of you guys right away. . . why his little smile struck me like a bolt of lightening and left a mystery in my heart.
I needed to share this with my Alanon compatriots. I so appreciate you all for being "there" :)
I think that's one of those things that would hurt whether the ex was an alcoholic or not. The fact that so much unpleasantness has happened because of the disease that: you were not expecting to see him(shock number 1); with a smile on his face (shock number 2). Like all of us, you may have had a scenario in your head of what an encounter with him would look like, and this DEFINITELY wasn't it!
Maybe the mystery in your heart is just the perfectly natural reaction of "what if..." or "is there a possibility..."
You did exactly the right thing - gave it up to your HP, who controls the situation. You, as a human being, had a human reaction, and our feelings are something that just happen - not good or bad; we can't control them. We can only control our reaction to them, and I think your reaction was appropriate and courageous. Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I'm going through the same thing......It's not nice is it....feelings are not easy to identify...Mostly I'm numb, then I feel anger, humiliation, hate..etc..
Oh I know just how you feel. I feel better when I hate him - it makes things so much easier. I had an appointment with the divorce lawyer tomorrow and I've been in tears for the last 2 days so I postponed it until next week. I hate this disease and what it does to our families. I guess for us it's 2 steps forward one step back. The good news according to all the al-anon reading I've been doing is that we are both feeling and that's a good thing, or so they say.
I agree with Trying...it is soooo much easier when I'm angry with my A. But he still can make me feel giddy -- It knocks about 20 yrs off my age LOL.
I just tell him flat out, don't look at me like that, then turn around and smile like I'm stupid LOL.
Why? Who knows, defies reason. It just is -- and it makes it so hard to do whats best for ourselves. All I know is that I have to do what's best for me, I keep turning him over to his HP and sometimes I have to walk thru the minutes saying "God, you know I want you to be handling this -- help me to keep my hands off" (and sometimes that's literally LOL) I just know that going back to the same ole same ole just isn't the way for me -- nothing changes if nothing changes
Ok here's my guess... He looked good and you started to wonder...could he really be clean? Could he stay this way? Could he be the man I loved again? Do I really want to leave him, divorce him, be done with him forever...Forever is a long time... Maybe a little resentful that he looked good and happy after all he's put you through? Maybe questioning your path?
Been there, done that... Here's my experience. A looks good, a month or so goes by, A messes up again and goes to jail. A is pitiful again says he'll get better blah blah blah...A messes up and is in jail again or wrecks his car or or or...
An A once told me that they never give up the idea that they can fix it and win you back. I belive this to be true. I don't know why it is - maybe because of all the crap we put up with that we shouldn't have. My A still sends letters about how when he gets out of prison if I'm with someone else (like that's gonna happen anytime soon) he'll try to win me back. His next step will probably be to try to make you jealous (he looks like he's doing well he's with another girl who seems normal but really it's just to make you jealous because sometimes we go back because we don't want anyone else to have him or we feel like we put in all this time in the trenches how dare him get better and be with someone else)
I have been thru the same thing, he looks good, talks the talk and a month later he's in jail. I never set anything in stone that we would never be together again but I have just sat back and watched his actions unfold. This is my suggestion to you. Wait and see what happens and always be looking out for number one!
Thanks, guys . . . I still forget that I'm human sometimes.
My son and friend borrowed the A's truck yesterday to haul my hay in, and while I was admiring these boys tossing 50 lb bales like they were popcorn my son said, "(A's name) said he saw you this morning, and you smiled at him!"
Whaaa??
Go fricken figure.
Are we all in our own little worlds, or what???
Before I could harness my mouth I blurted "I did not!!! He smiled at ME!!" And then, of course, felt like an eleven year old.
All this does is make my feelings even more mysterious. I am a shy person, compensated by a very sunny surface persona developed over long years as an RN. If I am approaching anyone and going to walk past them, I'll meet their eyes and give a friendly smile. All I remember of meeting the A was startlement for seeing him five feet away from me and seeing his grin, and feeling incredible defensiveness and outrage when HE smiled at me like I was his cute girlfriend.
The truth is, unless he gets picked up on his warrant or blows out of this area altogether, I WILL run into him like this, multiple times, over and over again. This is a one horse town, hello. It is God's will that this is the case. I trust God, even though I don't understand.
Anyway, as the day progressed, this incident was merely interesting and a bit uncomfy, but no big deal. In fact, I'd better get used to it. In my previous life (before Alanon) I would have holed myself up or driven 60 miles away to do my business just to avoid him. My HP says I don't need to avoid anyone, I need to get on with my life, and he/she'll take care of the rest. I really believe that.
Sweetheart remember, we love our loved one, we hate the disease and how it changes our loved one to, "the other one."
I know that is what makes me so crazy, seeing his body walking around but he is not there anymore. But there was a time he was him if he was clean and or sober. So I spent time with him,then the other one would take over again and he would be gone.
so of course you felt that way. again it is the disease we hate not the person.But sadly our loved one is being held captive inside.
turkey spit... you are a crack up. loves ya,debilyn
?? I am offended. I feel deeply HURT by it.
