The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling like I am at a dead end in my marriage right now. I need to vent and I know that most of you will be understanding.
Why do addicts have to make everything that is wrong look like it is all our faults? And the lies..... I hate the lying. A friend told me last night that my AH told her that I have been sick, throwing up green stuff all the time. Why would he say this? Why the lie? I just don't understand....
Crossing boundries.... I cannot even say how many times I have moved the line and allowed him to get away with more crap. Going through my personal possessions. It is like he is hoping to find that I am doing something wrong so it will validate all of his lies and deception.
And the manipulation.....He wants to know how it is that his drug and alchol use is ruining our marriage. He doesn't see how it has anything to do with the problems we have. Our inability to trust each other.
He says he is not using, he has been going to a methadone clinic since January, but the pills are still around, the friends haven't changed, the habits are the same, and the attitude has not changed. I still think he is using and drinking. But can I ask him if he is? No way! He would only lie if he was anyway.
He says he hasn't changed and it is me who has changed and I think he is right. I think I have said 'ENOUGH' and I am ready to move on. I have grown into a confident women who is tired of not being respected as such.
Two thoughts to your post, both via my experience and from my very wise and savvy sponsor....
1. Stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. 2. Try looking at your AH with a large "SSS" stamped on his forehead, standing for "sick, sick, sick". We tend to expect sick and irrational people (our A's) to act in healthy and rational ways...
Take care of you Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My brother is a heroin user. I know him and my cousin go to the meth clinic for the pills methadose or methadone (not sure of the name) but it makes them high as well. They also use patches and scrap off the medicine and inject it. It's hard to believe anything that comes out of their mouth. Addicts believe they are "victims" and everyone else is the problem. Hopefully you have changed and when you have had enough your whole life will change without him. Good luck girl and hang in there. None of its easy. Sorry you're going through this. (((HUGS)))
Hi Den, yes, I think anyone can change. The stories in the Big Book of AA are pure testimony to that.
In my personal beliefs, God does the changing of us, we only need be willing to change. Be sick enough of the consequences of our actions that we deeply desire a different life.
You say you aren't seeing anything different in his life, well, there you go.
My A was quite good at putting flowery words together, and I was good at convincing myself against all visible proof to believe his words, not the evidence of his actions.
Whether he changes or not is SO VERY out of your hands. You and I are bystanders. We are watching the show but can't make the plot go one way or another.
I've really, really benefitted from Tom's #2. Up until I joined Alanon again in February, that's what I did, expect him to respond to logic, be affected by it, eventually come to his senses. When I stopped expecting him to be sane about his drug use and drinking, I was able to finally focus on what I needed to do. Continue to carry around this insane person who may not WISH me harm, but would inevitably harm me?
That seemed like a pretty awful choice to make for myself, even if the harm was only emotional. Usually it is multidimensional :D . I didn't choose that for myself.
Finally, what will it do for YOU if he changes? Be real with yourself when you answer. Take care!
I'm glad to hear you praising "Yourself" good for you.
I'm also starting to believe all thats needed is for the A to grow up..
The A in my life has used, manipulated and controlled me for long enough. He's not been verbally or physically abusive or anything. He's done it in a very loving and caring way (If you know what i mean)...lol.
I chose to make one excuse after another for him, wow how mad am I..
Get out there, do your own thing.....Wishing you well..
Yes, they are capable of changing, but it takes real work, and steady attention to a program. The first time my husband approached a problem by saying "OK, I need to look at what my part in this is" you could have knocked me down with a feather! They can change, they can get better, but it is not going to happen because you tell them to.
So, a more useful question, because you have some say in the answer, is "Can a person who loves an addict change?" "Can she/he stop enabling, stop being codependent, stop moving boundaries, stop accepting the unacceptable, stop denying reality, start looking at a sick person with compassion, and clear eyes?" Luckily, the answer to this question is also yes, and the path is the same.
I don't mean to be inappropriate, but did he watch the exorcist movie? My AH is addicted to cocaine and alcohol, but I know now, he has "tried" almost every drug under the sun. He told lies to his mother about me and my "inept financial abilities" so she would give him money. Who knew I was running the family into bankrupcy?? I sure didn't.
It's the lies that hit me the hardest. I have separated from him for the time being. I cannot get sucked into the insanity.... again. I might believe his enlightened statements about his desire to stay in recovery when I see it for myself. Forgive me, but I'm still angry.
Drives me crazy. I heard that they lie, blame, and cover-up. My AHsober will sit there and accuse me of exactly what he is doing to me. And really, truly he believes his lies. So I think that's why they say focus on ourselves because the A's are that way and we can't change them. We can change the way we react.
