The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know for alot of our members--at least the new ones--boundries are a confusing concept. My buddist sponsor called'em "psycho babble with bubbles for substance." But one thing she & I agreed on is that saying no, then keeping with it is a powerful action. It's choosing what to keep with, however, that can be extremely difficult, and frightening. As I've grown in the program, I realized that what upset me the most in my relationship with my mother was that, consistently, I felt as if she wasn't being direct with me. I wasn't being delusional, either: my step father's recent email; last night, my father sharing with me what Mom and he talked about (and his subsequent request to, please, keep him out of it!); these recent events gave me the push I needed to stick with my boundry. Mom, you need to directly communicate with me about your needs, problems, expectations, or whatever else is going on between us. You don't need to get anyone else involved. This includes John and Dad. It sould be said that I made alot of mistakes along the way in making this boundry my "biggie." I got upset over little issues and picked fights over little issues; there was enough hurt and confusion all around that showed how I was getting better at saying no, but still had alot of work to do. By becoming willing to stick with this boundry--and stick up for myself!--I show the world exactly how I feel about myself, and how I want the world to treat me. The phone has definately gotten quieter. The email box is a little scarier. But I gotta say, making a boundry that I think is important and being willing to stick with--worth it.
Boundries??? New word/concept for me but I am learning to say 'no' (when I used to always agree that I liked it or not) and when the family of my ex call me to make_him_change_idea_about_something/make_him_behave_a_certain_way/tell_me_about_his_last_adventure/try_to_resolve_some_problem_he_created... I just tell them nicely that it is not my problem and that they better should talk to him directly.
You are right, it is hard (as often they take it as being an act of selfishness) and frightening (because I know that in 90% of the case, it will start an argue) but I do realise that little by little they do start to understand my point of view.
I recently had a confrontation with my mother and my family. She is very indirect. Talking about the sibs behind everyone's back. Never asking for what she needs and never expressing her concerns to the person. She told my sibs that she thought I was mentally ill. So she never told me and what that meant was that when ever I was with her or the sibs they were viewing me as mentally ill. But no one said anything directly they just treated me that way. Wouldn't you be mentally ill too if that was the way they communicated? LOL. Boundaries are great; no babble there. They work.
You can have undesired emails sent directly to the Junk folder :D .
I managed to set a boundary with the law (restraining order) and my A is still rattling the bars. He accosted my son today with a list of what he wants. My son, who is 20, is not real cynical yet, and innocently came to me with the list.
Sometimes you can still hear them screaming at you through the "boundary" you set. Screaming is OK, but continuous maintinence of the boundary is sometimes necessary especially if the person is a bully.
One nice thing about communications . . . you don't have to hear it if you don't want to. And adjusting your email settings is free. Your boundary is a good one, because it's within your power to enforce it.
I'm wondering if you've told your mother, "You need to communicate directly with me or not at all instead of talking behind my back."
This is what I've told my daughter who has "told me" through others that I can no longer see or talk on the phone to my grandchildren. I am a good grandmother but she knows she can punish me the most by using this immature tactic with no thought of what she's doing to her children who are bonded to me.
I haven't heard from her (too soon or might not) - but "communication" from her through others has stopped. How do I know that what others say is being repeated accurately??!!
Sometimes because others don't have a program like we do; they don't have boundaries and don't respect anyone elses. They habitually invade other people's boundaries and don't have any boundaries of their own.
If I haven't been direct (especially to family members) as to what my boundaries are, how can I expect my boundaries to be respected?
In the past, I've had a problem verbalizing my boundaries because that offended them even though I told them in the most diplomatic way that I could. It's not my problem if someone gets offended when I tried my best to do the right thing in the right way.
You seem to have a lot of recovery, so you've probably been nicely direct with your mother so that she understands what you need from her.
But one thing she & I agreed on is that saying no, then keeping with it is a powerful action. It's choosing what to keep with, however, that can be extremely difficult, and frightening. 
