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Hello MIP Family, I had some free time today to get online and vent a bit. The weekend started out great. Picked up dinner for everyone last night and a friend from work came by to get her hair colored and cut. My AH had the kids in the bedroom watching a movie and then after the movie was over he comes out and says he's going over to his friends to record some music. All week long he's been over at his friends which seems like every night this week. He went to one meeting this week and did come to church on Wednesday, but have a feeling he's not talking with his sponser like he used to. When I think about it I get worried about sobriety, but then I have to put this out of my mind because I don't want to focus on him all the time.
This week though he's been snappy and impatient with me and the kids and has nothing except music to discuss. I realize he has a dream with music that he'd like to fulfill but its his dream not my dream. I asked him this week if he could please try to balance the music thing with his family and us. Its o.k. to ask right, but it doesn't mean he'll oblige me by making those changes. Music tends to be more of an obsession for him than a passion. I have been obsessed before except it was over another person. Yikes!! Don't ya just love Codependency.
What I'm seeing is that my A will have addictions and obsessions, if its not one thing its another. I have my own opinion about why he gets so enmeshed in music but I won't share that with him because the subject of music is a very touchy subject.
My mom was supposed to come to us for a visit but got sick so I thought of some other things we could do, lots of other things. Then this morning AH is in bed sleeping the kids and I are awake and trying to get ready to venture out for some shopping and he yells some obscenities at the children. That was it for me, I guess I got sensitive and decided maybe we should make a two hour trip to visit my mom for the evening. I just felt like we needed a break from the selfishness. Tonight again he was going out to see another band and while he envited me I just didn't feel like going. On the way to my mom's he phoned and I was able to express to him that I needed a break and asked again for him to balance his time between music and us. I also explained that just because he has this passion doesn't mean that I share in that passion and would enjoy having conversation and doing things that don't involve music.
I'm over trying to change this about him I have accepted that its part of him, sometimes it gets over bearing and I need a break. Read something in courage to change today about not letting worry and fear keep us from enjoying the day; because that's all we have is the 24hours we have been graciously granted by HP. The sun is coming back out, so we're off to do some swimming.
Hope each of you has a blessed day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Twinmom you know I agree with you on so many things on so many levels but I have to be on your husbands side on this one. If he's not drinking then why can't he use music as an escape for now? Even if it's a dumb dream that will never happen..can't he try? I agree that there should be dates set for you and your family (kids). For some of us music is part of our soul. It's freedom, you feel alive. It's like air your breath. Some people read, sew, scrapbook, bowling....music is so much deeper. I just hope you can find a way to work things out. I would rather my husband find something to do like music to drown himself in then sports or something useless. I'm not in your situation so I don't understand everything but music is a part of who someone is. Always in my prayers girlie. mwah.
This is a part of sobriety that I had to get used to - the fact that he was always going to be a person who obsessed over things, who went overboard. For my husband, recovery meant taking that aspect of his personality, and focusing it on healthy things, rather than unhealthy. It's good as far as it goes, but as you have found, it is still far from perfect. It can still be exasperating, even when you realize that it's a healthier choice than other choices he has made in the past.
Looks like you are handling this the right way - making your needs known, taking care of yourself when you need to, yet accepting that this is how he is, and you won't change it.
Thank you guys for the E,S, and H. FOY- I know we've discussed this issue before and thank you for your perception on this issue because it does get hard to understand espcecially because I don't play music. It might serve me better if I start back up on one of my hobbies to keep me busy during those times when he's out at music practice and I'm feeling a bit lonely or resentful. Maybe in the act of busying myself with other healthy things I can add some fulfillment to my life during those times he and I can't be together.
I agree I'd rather he be obsessed with something healthy than unhealthy. It would be nice to have a balance but I can see now that its hard for him to balance something he has no clue about. I'll have to continue just giving those issues to my HP and let him deal with it. As always you guys shed some healthy light on things. Thanks again.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'd be more then happy to put you in contact with a few of my best friends that are muscians so they can share with you. Its so hard to explain unless your a musician. There are nights I sit here and wish I could be at a band practice or being on stage somewhere.It's such a high. I would try listening. Have you ever tried singing? Go do Karoke and feel that rush you get from the first time, heck you might even susrprise him and then WHAT a good night you'll have...hehehehe Love ya chickie. Try it.
Don't ya just love Codependency.