The material presented
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How can I get myself to the point where I say enough is enough. The thought of my daughter on the streets is so painful, it's like nothing I have ever felt. I have given her so many chances, and still she shows no signs of getting her life back on track. There is always something that alows me to convince myself that now isn't the right time. The recent death of her friend from an overdoes made me rethink my boundries, I am so afraid she will die or worse. But at the same time I feel like I am killing myself, I can't live like this. My other kids pay the price as well. And even though I tell myself to stop enabling her, I can't seem to stop. It hurts. I pray and turn it over but it keeps coming back. She isn't even looking for a job and I don't think she has any intention of doing so, and once again her car insurance will come do, same thing, then I say she will drive without it, and it will be on us then, etc., etc., etc. what does it take to say enough?
Hope it helps you like it has helped me so many times....
hang in there
christine
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE To let go does not mean to stop caring It means I cant do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself offIts the realization I cant control another. To let go is not to enable But allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means The outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another Its to make the most of myself. To let go is not to care for But to care about. To let go is not to fix But to be supportive. To let go is not to judge But to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes But to allow others to affect their destinies. To let go is not to be protective Its to permit another to face reality. To let go is not to deny But to accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue But instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires But to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody But to try to become what I dream I can be. To let go is not to regret the past But to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and Love more Remember:The time to love is short.
I don't know if it's a quanitity of courage that one needs or an amount.
I just knew I was going to get seriously hurt and taken right down with my A and I was not going to go with him. It was very clear the airplane was in a nose dive and so I bailed.
Camo's post really says it all. To love a troubled alcoholic child IS to pull back and let them learn what the consequences of their choices are. It is not loving them to shield them, they can't appreciate what you are doing, they can't appreciate you. Love is an action, not a feeling. There's no reason in the world for her to stop if you are there to pick her up.
The most awful part is we can't keep our kids from dying or suffering whether they are alcoholic or not. When that is perfectly clear, the courage is right there.
We can keep ourselves from suffering THEIR consequences. If she's driving a car in your name, take it away, it's too valuable and not easily replaced. If it doesn't matter value wise, put it in her name. If she's on the family policy, take her off.
I say this in love and support. I let my A ruin me financially, and the consequences of his use are still 'coming in', hospital bills, traffic tickets, fines, and a lawsuit against him from causing an accident when tweakers were driving his truck around. We've lost three vehicles from his drug use. When is enough enough??? I think I can speak from knowing when enough is enough. It isn't about what people might think about us anymore, or that he might die or go to prison, it's gone beyond that. I did everything in my power to stop it, and of course could not.
It's not worth it, Gimmpy. I say this with concern as a warning. I don't believe for a second my A "tried" to ruin me, or us. He's an addict and an alcoholic. That's what they DO to us if we don't save ourselves. We can't stop them from doing it to themselves. Not a single Alanon out there stopped their husband/wife/child/sibling/parent/friend's drinking or drug use in any long term way.
Those that have maintained recovery even say that no human power could have relieved the obsession. You are a human power, and you can't.
What you can do is grieve and let her go, so you can focus on yourself and the other children. You will have to look them in the eye someday and account for yourself.
If I sound angry, you're right, I am. But not at you, and miraculously, not even at my A. I am angry with myself, with this disease, and with the mess left over after it blew through my life. It hits close to home with me, and I sure hate to see it wreck someone else's life, that's all.
Hello Gimpy , only you know when enough is enough . As long as we continue to rescue absolutley nothing will change . I cannot imagine the pain of seeing your child on the streets , the alcoholic in my life was m y husb so it was much easier to detach from him I am sure. I only know that as long as we continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves , nothing will change. it will only get worse. Allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose is the hardest part of recovery for me . I can l ove them and support their efforts but no longer at my emotional expence. Stepping aside so God can get at them is tough. I was privy to a conversation a few yrs ago between a mother asking the same questions as yourself and a recovering A , she was about to give her son more money - actually the last of her savings . The A said you can do that but how are u going to feel if this is the money that buys the drug that kills her ? I almost fell off my chair . I had never thought of it that way before . Love her accept where she s at but don't help her stay there comes to mind , sometimes everything must fail before any thing changes . Please find meetings for yourself where u will meet people who have been where your at . and will walk u thru this . you don't have to go thru this alone anymore . ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
thanks for the reply's. Yes, I am angry with myself because now I know I can't fix it but still try to manipulate or whatever, and I see it is not working. The car is hers, given to her from my mother in law when she graduated from high school last year. She totaled one of ours, so I was sure to put the insurance in her name. since she lost her job she can't pay the insurance, and I know she'll drive without, so I am afraid it will be ours to deal with if something happens. She's 19, some have told me that until she's 21, we are responsible for her somehow. She can do what ever and we pay the price? doesn't seem right. Anyhow thanks for the support, I need to keep turning it over, it is controling my mind.
If she has an accident and she's uninsured, she would be the only responsible person. Perhaps a call to the insurance company to get a 'reality check' is in order?
The 'uninsured motorist' part of most policies is to cover these kinds of situations. Most 19 year old human beings don't have a pot to pee in, and that's what that kind of clause is for.
Gosh I am one of the "best" at making up my mind something is this way or that, and need to check out what's real now and then.
My stomach falls through when I think about having to do this with my own child. The parental feelings of responsibility for the kid "legally" end when they are 18, but the emotional part probably never goes away. Just because you feel responsible does not mean you are. And we are a bunch that would support whatever you had to do to detatch from your girl and "show" her love and strength, and allow her the dignity of her own life as she chooses it. Again, it's hard to imagine what kind of pain you must feel, and I have no guarantees that I never will.
I just know that at one time (with my A) I felt certain that if I tried hard and long enough he would quit using and return to the man I met seven years ago. I don't remember exactly the moment I saw that I was powerless over his addictions. But I do remember "thinking" I could change him or stop him, and now those thoughts seem so sad to remember.
You might be struggling, but you are working very very hard on a good thing.
Can you cancel the insurance, not have it registered and park it in your yard? Take it away. If she wants it she will have to do what it takes. I'm sure she's freaking out about her friend and that's why she needs counseling right away. As long as she knows you love her, you don't critisize her, don't label her and don't discourage her from dreams then I don't see why she can't come around. I was a tough teen going into adulthood. I rebelled something ferce. My mother just flat out gave up and all bills were up to me. I learned fast. I needed a harsh reality check. Good luck. I am so sorry it's your daughter upsetting you. Your in my prayers. ^i^
Courage comes from within. When I've learned that the right thing to do, although hard, must be done and then followed through.
Although I'm very much disturbed, angry, upset, and totally sad over the path I need to take with my wife, I do know that it is for her best as well as mine. Responsibility has come to me in very hard equations. My love for my wife is still there, yet, I can never be in that intimate/close sense again. I miss her, and I miss the love we shared, yet she would have no beginning of understanding the disease of addiction if I let her continue to deny and come back to me. So we try to detach with love --- and hold our A accountable for the fu*&ed-uppedness of their path. It is not easy. My heart goes out to you.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I just wanted to give you a hug. I have been right where you are at and it wasn't a whole lot of fun. Both of my kids were out using. I think I asked the same question on day. Someone told me this and it helped..
Courage doesn't always roar, Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the night that says I will try again.
Find out the facts about the car, I think after children are 18 the liability is on them. Knowing exactly where you stand helps so much. I hope you are going to face to face meetings. Nothing helped me more than associating with people who had been through what I was going through. We know all the hopes and dreams we have for our children but they have to follow their own life paths. The thought that they had their own higher power to watch out and guide them helped me alot. Along with the thought that I was not that higher power.
Gimmpy, remember too most things we worry about never come about. Hop on over to your life path and take care of you. Get out. Find somethings that you like to do. When I got busy doing these things I was able to let go. It didn't happen all at once. It was a lot of baby steps added together. I will be sending prayers your way, please keep us posted we care.
