The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been one week since my addict BF has moved out of mine and my little girls home and life. Just like his sobriety and other changes....it went fast and furious. Cold turkey. Like he was never here. It is hard for me to process all the emotions alone. How can someone just evaporate?! Like he never shared happy giggling mornings with the kids jumping on the bed....or held me as we peeked in at them in their angelic sleep....or laughed or cried or spent time with friends or family. It is like he was never here yelling at me, pushing me, disrespecting me, isolating me, lying to me. How to come to terms with all the good and all the bad.....I feel a little shell shocked.
But I am more peacfull....it is better without him here. I had to let go. I had to accept that he was not going to be the person I needed in my life, even tho I loved him. I am taking care of me....visits and walks with friends, getting out of the house instead of moping, showering,buying flowers, making plans, going to work, crying when I need to, loving my kids, praying to my HP.
I also realize it was one year ago that I sought conseling because of how difficult my life had become due to his drinking/mental instability. Cops at the door, suicidal breakdowns in the middle of the night, wretching in the bathroom all morining, we worrying all day at work about him. One year later....he is gone. I hope it doesn't take a year to get back on my feet.....I am so grateful for his absence, and so angry at what I went through with him.
What a process. Still one moment at a time for me.
Those angry feelings are EXACTLY what I had stirring in the beginning of my wife's absence --- then, thank god, program gave me the tools to let go of that. Of all the total crap that my wife put into our lives, that is what it took to get me to my RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW -- and it is a much better here and now -- and I can honestly see a better, happier future. Keep sharing those dark, angry thoughts -- it is good to get them out -- and know that you are not alone.
love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Those angry feelings are EXACTLY what I had stirring in the beginning of my wife's absence --- then, thank god, program gave me the tools to let go of that. Of all the total crap that my wife put into our lives, that is what it took to get me to my RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW -- and it is a much better here and now -- and I can honestly see a better, happier future. Keep sharing those dark, angry thoughts -- it is good to get them out -- and know that you are not alone.
love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Fifi, do I ever relate. I felt this fantastic RELIEF, and still do, just to have that madman out of my face. Now that it's been a while all the other stuff is creeping in. Not to "change my mind", but to face myself and how I got where I am in the first place.
In contrast, my A is "all around me", rather than gone as if he were never here. Go figure.
We just sit back and watch the disease destroy those we love, and for me looking at what I've destroyed too, just to keep the dream alive. It's not a comfy place, it's brutal honesty and I'm glad for the kindness I can give to myself in spite of it all. It's kindness I got from fellow Alanon members and a few sympathetic others.
I just keep telling myself HANG ON WOMAN. Keep doing what you know is healthy, corrective and right. One day at a frickin time. One foot in front of the other. There are plenty of good times too. I've got a long way to go, but at least I'm going in the right direction.
