The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi family, I hope it's okay to call you all that...
I am struggling a little with detaching from my AH today. It's hard to get off his back when he is acting so self-absorbed that he doesn't do right by the kids. As a mother, I feel it's my duty to defend them to the hilt... even against their father. Sometimes, when I feel they have been wrongly treated, my claws come out. I feel like a mother lionness. It's hard to remember during those times that he is their father and they do love him. But man, he pisses me off.
We are at the beach and we have an 8 yr old and a 2 1/2 YR old. The 2 1/2 yr old needs a nap around 2-3pm or it gets ugly for everyone. It's not easy to pull him out of the pool, but he NEEDS that nap. Of course, it's usu. me keeping an eye on the clock and keeping the schedule. Of course it's me that has to get Ben out of the pool and then deal with the tears and tantrums and the looks from others at the pool. Meanwhile, AH is standing there watching impatiently like,"Why is this taking so long? I want to get to the beach!" He does come up and help me get Ben changed, but afterward he left Andy (8) at the pool alone while he went to the beach. I can't believe he is so absorbed in his own desires that he can't see the right thing to do by his 8 year old son. Even though there are other adults at the pool, none we know personally, and it's not their responsibility to watch our son. I feel like I have to constantly watch my AH to make sure that he does the right thing by the kids. It's scary to think what could happen while they are in his care.
Even though he's been clean and sober for almost 4 years, he still exhibits some of those alcoholic/addictive attitudes and behaviors. He's so into himself and what he wants for himself... regardless of the cost or possible cost -- it makes me so mad.
This past Tuesday was his birthday and he made a comment like, "It's my birthday and I AM going to the beach all day. Don't be mad when I'm not back till 6:20." I told him, "Just because it's your birthday, you don't have freedom from being a parent. And who gave you free license to do whatever you want all day?" I had to remind him that the children still need to be supervised at the pool, the kids still need to eat lunch and have that prepared for them, and both of us are here to do that for them. I can't be at the pool supervising Andy and stay with Ben in the condo while he naps. Our needs as parents come second many, if not, most of the time. It is afterall, a family vacation, not a vacation from family. shish!! And it's not like we weren't doing anything to celebrate his birthday. We had plans to go to a special (and expensive) restaurant of his choice. He even got a gift! So, this attitude really got under my skin.
It's just sometimes hard to detach when he acts like a teenager and like he so deprived and is so entitled. I hate that.
I wish he would start to go to al-anon... and I wish he would really start to take the responsibility of being a parent more seriously.
Anyway, I'm so glad I could come here and spend a little time around some recovering folks... just needed a little shot in the arm.
I have much to be grateful for: opportunity to come to the beach beautiful condo with an oceanview and pool money to go out to eat two beautiful sons who are healthy and developing normally free wireless access to the internet and you!!! Thanks for being here, hugs, Lee Ann
Sounds like a fun vacation!!! My AH is still having those selfish self-absorbed behaviors as well. That is part of the disease. My understanding is that as the A gets more and more honest with themselves and other's they can learn to become a little more giving, but until then anticipate that selfish behavior. It is difficult with the kids, just had that conversation this morning about needing a little more help with them. It doesn't hurt to ask, if I don't get the help then I have a choice too. Either to do it on my own, or take a much needed break and be gentle with myself and not let the messy house get to me.
I have to give myself permission to be a little selfish too and take care of my needs. Hope you try and enjoy the rest of your vacation. Do something nice for you too.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The A I've been involved with for the past 7 years has a terrible skin rash which is part of a medical condtion he has. He can go into total self absorption around it. He's taking care of it and going to see various specialists. I can really get etiher pulled into feeling sorry for him or fedup with his self absorption. Neither works for me. The more I can surrender and detach the better off I am. Thanks for the pointers on how to do that. I have much to be grateful for. I am not struggling as much as I did. I have a chance at a life at some point. I am not making myself ill anymore with codependence.
Nevertheless for me its a constant struggle not to merge or rail against him.
Oh Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllll!!! I would have flipped out on his butt. NO WAY in hell should he have left an eight year old alone for any reason. I say you have every right to get pissed on that one. Not all men but ALOT do not understand children. I have to remind my ah when he's here about them. Its not that I don't trust him per se but strangers out there. I just don't leave my kids with ah at all and there's no problem. Try and relax and keep those babies by you ;) mwah
