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I went to my Mom's in Kansas from Ohio for a week, and returned Sat. July 7. It was a planned visit, to help her do some things she needed done (she's 86 and lives alone.) Before I left, my AH and I had not been getting along at all. He was so cold, distant, etc. I ended up leaving an 8 page typewritten letter on the kitchen table which I left there while he was waiting in the car to take me to the airport. He found it when he got back home. We didn't talk the whole way to the airport, and when I was getting ready to get into the check-in line, he told me to call him when I got to Mom's, and I said WHY? He said "So I'll know if you made it OK." Again, I said "Why, what does it matter to you. I'll see ya." And I turned around and walked into the check-on line. And I never looked back. I never, ever, ever, have left him for that long without kissing him goodbye. Even before work, we always kiss. Then since I had about an hour to kill, I went into the airport bar and had a margarita and a big fancy salad. I had already made up my mind to not call him while I was there, and he called me that night, and almost every day. I did call him on the 4th to wish him a happy holiday, kept the conversation short. I guess he took the letter to heart, since I've been home, he has seemed more like the man I remember that I haven't seen in several years. It is amazing. We have spent the past 5 evenings since I've been home, doing things around the house together, took a motorcycle ride to a Kitchen Aid store and bought some attachments for my mixer. We have been laughing and teasing.....we haven't done that for years. Sunday morning, he even took my hand and we walked back into the bedroom......and we haven't done that in almost 3 months! Everything seemed to be in working order in his department. I basically spilled my guts in the letter. I told him if he was having a physical problem with intimacy, there are doctors who can help (I didn't even mention the drinking, figured it wouldn't help anyway.) Told him if is a mental thing, unresolved anger issues, maybe we needed to see a counselor. Told him I was willing, for my part, to try and heal the rift that has developed between us. And....I told him I could not continue to live the way we had been. I don't think I have ever said that to him before. I'm not big on ultimatums. I didn't give any concrete stipulations, but maybe he got the general idea. I told him I know we have neither one been happy for a long time, and we can either try to get along, or not. If we choose to not, we won't last. Now, I did not mention the drinking. He already knows about that. Didn't see the point in bring it up. He knows. I mentioned in the letter that I felt like a freak because he never wanted to be close with me, and I WAS NOT a freak, or ugly, or a bad person. I was worth having someone love me, and be good to me. Surprise! That must have shocked him~! I think the week away did me a world of good, let me put some distance between us. Since I have been home, I have still been a little distant, waiting for him to come to me, instead of me always initiating the conversations, trying to initiate the sex, plan the evenings, plan the meals. I have just basically hung loose, and it helps me. It must make him feel better too. He hasn't been drinking quite as much, I don't think. I don't count the beers, but just by his behavior, it seems to be a little less. His attitude has been better, he has been working on the house, and planning the siding project he has put off for 6 years! I don't know how long this will last, it could be over by the time he gets home tonight, but I thank HP for allowing me this period of rest! Love in Recovery, Becky1
Dear Becky, Sounds like you had a good trip. Sounds like your letter and your absence helped your AH gain some perspective? Hopefully!
Your post made me think if two things happen when we do everything (you mentioned you were hanging out, not initiating and taking care of things as much):
First: I wonder if the A thinks that when we take care of everything that we don't have needs ourselves -- that the AH isn't needed. If we are so efficient and great of taking care of things, then what do we need them for?
And I wonder if when we initiate and take care of things that things seem (to the A) to take care of themselves. Sometimes, I'll let the dishes pile up and I won't clean or laundry will pile up so my AH has tangible reminders that things just don't take care of themselves.
I guess it would help my AH for me to be clear as to what my needs are so that he can see why he is needed... that letter sounds like a good ldea. Maybe that kind of tangible would be helpful to my AH!
Thank you for sharing your experience and welcome home.... enjoy!! hugs, Lee Ann
What great detachment. The people who the A is staying with are pretty frank with him about his shortcomings. He is not used to that after all he has been around people who are as manipulative as he is. I welcome their honesty but some days I just want to go back to shut down all the time. I am pooped out and fed up.
I want a fairy godmother to come along and fix me some days.
I do feel ok but I need a lot of rest to deal with the A who is not drinking but really on a dry drunk all the time.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAa for sex!!!! lol ;) I've always heard that men need sex to feel emotions and woman need emotions to feel sexual. What a cycle huh? Sounds like you had a wonderful time. Sometimes we have to hold on to those days so hard because we don't know when the next time like that will come again. I'm glad you got that girl. Your right, you do deserve to be loved. Let's hope that letter rings in his ears for a good long while and when he stops you'll need to write him another one. :) Very good on not bringing up the drinking issue. You made me have a light bulb moment and I realized how much I do bring that up in discussion. Thanks. Have a good night....hehehehe
Men need sex to feel emotions....hmmmm, that one got me thinking, Friendofyours.....maybe that is why my AH didn't want to.... (wink, wink).....afraid of facing hisemotions! Yep, he isn't very good at talking about or showing his feelings (except anger!)
Back when he was acting badly and doing a lot of screaming and yelling and acting like a jerk, he still wanted to have sex.....now lately, (before the letter) he had been acting better, but NOT wanting to have sex, which made me behave badly, hurt my feelings, made me upset and angry. Sigh....all this trying to figure out life is making me tired! Love in Recovery, Becky1
