We dont deserve this - Al-Anon Family Group

missyd1111 · Newbie

We dont deserve this

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, you will find that many of us have been where you are. There is hope for you, whether he cleans up or not.

As you have learned, there is not a lot of point in threatening, or nagging, him to stop - he will stop when he is good and ready, and nto one word you say makes a bit of difference. So, one thing you can do right off, is save your breath and energy that you have been putting into getting on his case, and use that to make your life and that of your kids better.

If you can get to face to face meetings, they will really help. Some have childcare, look into it. Read our literature, read the posts on this board, come to chat and to online meetings - not everything you hear here will apply to you, but lots of it will.

My husband was also a crackhead, so I have one bit of experience to share with you - do what you can to protect yourself financially. They can go through thousands of dollars in a week or two.

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! We have meetings here, check the links sections for times.
You sound like you are in the right place. We too, have been lonely and frustrated due to our loved one's (we usually call them A's) drinking or drugging.
Take it easy, one day at a time.
There is much information here, you can read lots of posts and gain insight to your situation. Come to the chat room, there is usually someone there.
Come here as often as you can, you will learn much.
Your life does not have to be hopeless, and you don't have to make any immediate decisions, unless you and/or the children are in danger.
Glad to meet you!
Love in Recovery,
Becky1

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

I am also a stay at home mother and after eight years with my addict I can tell you one thing (not supposed to though) you need to get those children away from him immediatly. Anything else is child abuse. It's your job as a mother to protect them even if it's against their own father. That should be your very first priority right now. Everything else can wait for you to think it through.
No one can ever promise you happiness, you should never expect it..it's just something that you create in the moment. You CAN be happy with your children even if it's just you and them. I have three ages 7,6,6 and the BEST thing I did was to get them to safety. I never let them hear the fighting or seen the pushes. I protected them and I still am.
It's hard to finally know that there is not going to be a family unit, not the way you thought it was supposed to be. It's a dream that alot of woman want and we put up with alot when we have kids to try and get that family unit.
You can not become blind that you do not protect them. Please find someone to talk to, a pastor, nar-anon, someone. The answer will come. You are in my prayers ^i^ Please come back.

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

No, we do not deserve this. But we DO put up with it until we get so sick of it we start reaching out for help. Just like you did, and that's a huge step, just to put it into words for others to read and respond to.

About the only advice I can give to you that would surely help you is to encourage you to keep posting and talking here, and especially to attend a few Alanon meetings. It is sad that you are in this terrible situation with two babies . . . but it's amazing that at your tender age you are awake to the situation you are in and want help. I wish I had your awareness when I was 23.

I had two kids with a drug addict by the time I was 21. I left him and lived with my parents for five years while I got a bachelors in nursing. I believe with my whole heart children need both parents in their lives, but when one parent can't or won't be there at least Mom can be there. If she is sane and healthy, the kids have one functional parent, which offsets the lack of parenting by the alcoholic. We can't make the alcoholic/addict stop their drug use, so don't waste your precious energy. What will you do?

You say all your children have to depend on is a crack addict. Who cares for them, bathes them, feeds them and kisses owies? You do. They have you, that makes you VERY important, not chopped liver. Nothing is important to the alcoholic/addict but their booze or drug, that is the nature of the disease. It takes up their whole life, and their wife or husband pretty much gets the shaft. But you don't have to "take it". You have choices, you might not see them now. Just keep coming back here, find a good Alanon meeting with childcare, and absorb what you can. You aren't alone.

missyd1111 · Newbie

HI thanks for the advice...
Well not that my life couldnt possibly get any worse for me right now im doing everything in my power to make my children the only important thing in my life right now....i can no longer be their for jay...he does not want to admit he needs help then screw him....everything is ok for right now but eventually in about a month he'll slowy bring beer back into the house drink one -three beers a day then he'll gradually start drinking more then its out the door he goes...he'll be on a binge for about 2 days come back home tell me he hates himself, hes a bad man, he will never ever do it again and its back to were i was before,i just want a normal life and i cant get that with him,but i do love him sooo much!!! i dont know why his problem is taking over me,most of the time hes a great guy who would do anything under the sun for us i think thats why i feel there is always hope for him because of his big heart..... ,i mean come on he was clean for all these years why ruin what we have for a night of partying!!! I just dont understand,i'll never understand!!! my poor daughter adores the hell out of him,i dont know what im goin to do when something really bad happeneds to him!we dont deserve to be put through this ,and we absolutely dont deserve to leave ,he needs to be punished for what he has done not us!!!my kids have everything here,why do i have to take my children out of their home to live with my mother because their father choose to be an alcholic and a drugy!!!!i dont think so! well i will keep you posted on how each day goes!!! i also will be attending meetings as soon as posible!!!

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I came here over 2 years ago. I wish I could write and say my life is hunky dory. It isnt' by any means. I am certianly far less insane than I was. No matter what the A does, no matter how my life is I cope better.

I have to say its been a long hard road. This place has been an absolute god send to me.

I hope you will stick around to receive the benefits. For me it took a really long while but life is so much better now no matter what the a does.

maresie.

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Missy, welcome to the group. You have come to the right place. You are right, we don't deserve this, and neither does your hubby. Alcholism is a very powerful disease and I'm sure from what you have written, that hubby would love NOT to be an A (alcholic or addict). I had never had experience with the disease till I met my A, and sure didn't understand it! I remember thinking, "How could he do this to me??" Coming here, I learned that he wasn't doing anything to me, the disease was doing things to both of us, all of us, everyone who knew and loved him. I'll never forget one experience: we had gone to his cottage, and he knew he had a bottle stowed away someplace,(believe me, there is one somewhere!) I didn't know what was going on, but saw this look in his eyes (almost like he was POSSESED) he started moving things around, and looking. He started in my direction, and would have gone right through me if I hadn't moved, his desire to drink was that strong. I think that's when I started to understand the disease a little.
In Alanon, we have a saying, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Sadly, it is so true, BUT coming here and learning all you can about the disease, read everything Alanon approved that you can get your hands on, find a sponsor,go to meetings, or if you can't, there are on-line meetings here.
My A is a wonderful man with a horrible disease, and you can find happiness and serenity for yourself. I have been with my A for 10 years, and we sure had some hard times, but once I started learning more about the disease that was controlling our lives,things got much better. Right now,today, we are very happy together, who knows what tomorrow will bring? I have learned to enjoy each moment as it comes.
There are a lot more people here who are much more qualified to help you, but I just wanted you to know that this is a great place to start your path to serenity. Wishing you all the best, and glad you are here. Love TLC

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

You have to ask yourself.....even though your children deserve the world is living with their addict father better or is living with your mother where they are safe and away from argueing and the addiction? It's not about what anyone deserves right now. It's keeping them safe and yourself safe.
We all give our addicts chances because underneath the disease they are ALL good persons. Your isn't the only one, however the disease is stronger and will eventually take away that "good person".
My ah is a wonderful, considerate, professional, giving man in the world....but after eight years I see a difference in his personality. Since he's been out of the home me and our children are much happier and there is no alcohol or drugs in this house. I sleep great at night and I know my children have no worries. Better to be from a broken home then to be "IN" a broken home. I had to learn tough love myself to get me to think straight. I thought for sure I could save my ah....if he loved us he would quit, he'd do it for the kids, he only needs a chance and someone to believe in him.....What a load of crap. I was fooling myself. He would mess up one night, I'd forgive him.....months would go by....then he would screw up again....I would forgive him.....seven months would go by....I would forgive him. Guess what I was doing??? Giving him permission to treat me like trash. I put a stop to it and that when the argueing got bad because I was in his way of his addiction.
I hope you find peace. I agree that meetings would be the best for you especially with children. Your in my prayers ^i^

missyd1111 · Newbie

I completely understand what your saying and i should leave but i feel if i do leave then Jay will eventually end up dead or in jail and i know thats a terrible excuse but im his only protector he cant live without us!!! i just want to live a normal life,i want to be able to sleep at night and not wake up every hour on the hour looking over my shoulder to see if hes still next to me,i live in fear and it really sucks!!! sometimes i think there is hope for him i dont know why and i think thats why ive stuck around for soo long!!! idk what im going to do,why do we get ourselves soo caught up with the ah?!?!? well KIT:)
Missy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.