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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a 57 year old woman married to an alcholic. He is extremely intelligent and is in private practice as an attorney. The drinking didn't get really bad until about 2 years ago, coinciding with my being diagnosed with lung cancer. In the past 2 years I have had 2 lung cancer surgeries, breast cancer surgery, radiation, and laser surgery on my esophagus for a precancerous condition. It took me 3 months to recover from the esophagus surgery, by far the worst. In the meantime my husband has all but stopped working. I support us by working as a paralegal and make a good bit more money than he does at this point. The mortgage on our house is in my name alone, because his credit is ruined and he is on the verge of bankruptcy. The deed is in both of our names.
He became very ill about 9 months ago and the internest said that he had severe anemia from all the drinking and put him in the hopital for a week and detoxed him. He stayed sober for about a month, until the doctor said his anemia was resolved. Same thing happened in February, but he detoxed himself at home because I told him I was leaving him if he didn't stop drinking. He stopped for about 3 months. For the past two or three weeks he has shown signs of the anemia again. This last weekend we really had it out and I told him if he ever brought alcohol into our house again I was leaving him. I poured out all the vodka and he promised that he would stop drinking. I know he won't stop because he's just doing it so I won't leave rather than because he WANTS to stop. He's been sober since Saturday.
What do I do when he starts drinking again? I can't afford the mortgage with out some financial assistant from him. If I leave and rent a place, the house will go into foreclosure and my credit will also be ruined. Plus with my fragile state of health the thought of packing up and moving is overwhelmong, as is the thought of living alone. But if I don't leave he will think I am "crying wolf". I am about at the end of my rope. I love him very much and worry about his health with all the drinking. I don't know what I should do. Anyone have any advise for me?
Chetch, do not make a promise you are not willing to keep. If you said you'd leave him if he drinks again, do it. If you have no intention of leaving, do not threaten. When we set boundaries, we must keep them, otherwise we are like the boy who cried, "wolf!!" And the A knows it.
Pouring out the liquor is a waste of time. I have done it myself, and I know how angry we are when we dump the contents out of the bottle. But that is a mere inconvenience for him, as he can go back and get more, before the bottle you emptied clears the trap!!
If you are doing anything that reminds you of beating your head against a wall, it is time to go in another direction.
Can you find AlAnon meetings near you? Can you attend? I wish you the best. Please take care of yourself. And come back here often.
With caring and concern,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Chetch, all I know is when my A was still here I had to learn how to set appropriate boundaries that I could enforce. I threatened plenty of stuff that I did not carry through on, and that hurt me, not him.
If anything, setting boundaries you can't or aren't able to enforce has an encouraging effect on bad behavior.
Have you found Alanon meetings in your area? I'm concerned for your health, you have been through some scary stuff, and healing takes a long time. You need support, friendship, some peace, and fun too. I know I needed a place to go and people to talk to just to have something healthy for me to look forward to, in the very least.
You are probably right, he'll think you are crying wolf if you say you'll leave then don't. Perhaps now isn't the right time. Things like the house and paying your bills is pretty important, something all of us have had to consider when setting the boundaries. There are no easy solutions (dang it) but there are probably more options for you than are coming to mind now. I know when I'm at the end of my rope my fear keeps my mind racing and going nowhere productive!
If anything, getting involved in a serious program of recovery for yourself will prepare you for what you may need to do in the future. Living with an alcoholic 24/7 for years is hard on the spouse, and we get sick, too. Sometimes even physically, the stress and drama day in and out takes it's toll. The alcoholic won't 'notice' the effect on you, nor does it occur to them they are affecting you. That's why this program is all about taking care of number 1 ; the alcoholic is taking care of themself only (and badly) and WE are picking up the slack and taking care of THEM too, but who takes care of us?
Gosh, you take it easy. It will all come together as you begin the work. It did for me, my A isn't willing to get help, and it was a rocky ride to where I am today, he's out of the house on a restraining order, but that's what it took. I used Alanon tools I learned here and at meetings, and got support and timely reminders that kept me sane during a difficult time. I know it works for whoever works it. Take care!
I shall say to you what I have been trying to say to myself this entire week.
"It is ok to take care of yourself first"
I totally agree with Diva, pouring out bottles of liquor is useless - There is always more liquor to be found somewhere, somehow.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
I hope that you can find a nearby Al-Anon meeting that you can attend - if not try one of the on-line meetings - others have shared how they like those too.
Please keep reaching out for help and do what is best for YOU.
One Day at a Time, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Try taking baby steps - you don't need to take care of the whole situation, just make life a bit easier for yourself, at least at first. For instance, if he becomes verbally abusive when drunk, refuse to listen to it and leave the room. Leave the house if you must (go for a walk, drive around, spend the night with a friend...). If he is spending all of your money and there is not enogh for the bills, put 'must have' money aside in an account he can't get at. That type of thing.
You can't do thing one about his drinking, so don't waste your energy. Put that effort into protecting yourself from the bad effects of his behaviour, into living and enjoying YOUR life. If he is out at the bar, you can sit at the window and cry, or you can: visit a friend, take a walk in the summer evening and buy yourself an ice cream cone, cuddle up with a good book, go to the movies, overhaul your closets, go to the gym, do some yoga.....
all I can concur is not to go beyond yourself. I can make myself ill setting ultimatums. Some of us have high dependency high debt situations the two seem to go hand in hand. You can't just click your fingers and walk out the situation.
Can you make a number of plan b's. What are they? can you break down what you need.
when I can make plan b's it helps. Of course my ideal plan b is for the A to get better.
I try to brainstorm those plan b's with people who know me. One of mine is go to stay with a relative. He's also an alcoholic so that might not work. Take time to think them through.
I know the tendency is to panic and act or set ultimatums and feel exhausted.
The A I am involved with and I have huge financial stuff. One of my plan b's is to think seriously about bankruptcy for me. I am going to have to look into it. I can't do the bankruptcy for him (he needs it) but I can for me.
There are choices.
Above all dont' beat yourself up. When I can surrender to my situaiton is a mess that I have to work through I am so much better. If I am in obsess mode I get lost init exhausted and feel tremendous resentment. Then I become toxic.
No one can tell you what to do or how to do it. This is my ESH. I can't imagine being really ill too. I've been ill around the A a few times. I can't say he was very helpful. I felt absolutely abandoned.
I come here often that is another real tool of mine and I start making choices. Last night for one of the first times I chose not to over react. Eventually those choices become behaviors you can practice. None of this happens overnight so give yourself tons of emotional space.
I know your situation very well. Here's what I would do (just my opinion) Your husband sounds very intelligent so I would sit him down with your concerns and reasure him that you are not angry but concerned and that something MUST be done. Let him know you understand his embarassment to the disease and you are there willing to go the way with him. Your not giving him permission but allowing him to trust you and not be embarrased. The disease is so strong that the victims (your ah) will quietly die then to stop it. My best friend died from it and she was intelligent but could not stand to admit that she can't stop. They literally CAN NOT stop. Your husband is like mine in the sense that a hundred rehabs may not phase him. They really want to stop but just can't. There is no cure for them they have to keep quitting. No meeting, no program, no words of wisdom is going to stop them. It's no longer their choice, they drink to survive. Think about it like this...can you imagine having the flu and feeling like your going to die? All you have to do is drink a few sips of water and the pain is gone, the muscle aches are gone, joint pain is gone, no headache and your stomach doesn't feel sick. But if you don't drink those few sips of water then your going to feel like this for about two weeks maybe longer. So what's easier??? The sip of water is. So they drink. Everybody else can go without drinking water why can't I?? So they don't admit to anyone that they drank the water because if they did they would look foolish and they don't tell. When you are in that much pain you can not tell which is better.....to feel violently ill and quit drinking or feel slightly ill and drink even though that eventually leads to death. Sometimes they wish for death because it will be over, finally over. It's up to you how much you can take. I am still with mine after 8 years of this hell. I can't stand...even as a friend to sit back and watch him kill himself. I would want help no matter what..but that's me. Is there any program in your town to help with your mortgage? Does he have any 401K's or anything that you can collect on and live on until he gets help again to go to work? I believe where there's a will there's a way. Somehow. Only you know if it's to the point where you need to down grade your house and living situation. The market is tough here and it's not good to sell. I wish you luck. Please keep coming here. I hope talking with him helps but you defintily need to make a move quick. ^i^
I don't know what decision will be right for you. While I was reading your post a line jumped out at me ... about needing financial assistance from him and not wanting to be alone. As an alternative or Plan B here are a couple things I learned too late to help myself (laugh) that you can think on. I live in a college town, roommates are abundant, and students are not home that much. There is even a program here for intense language studies that are 6 weeks long, I would have supplied a room and one meal a day, companies or students pay the home provider extremely well (almost 6 months compared to what I would have asked from a roommate) for about 6 weeks time. There could be something similar in your area. Having information and possible options on the practical matters of life has always made me feel better, even if it doesn't help me solve the harder questions. I wish you well, take care of yourself. Jen
With my own experience with these issues...I would go right to planting a nice new "For SALE" sign on the lawn. This is not going to get better anytime soon, nor is it going to go away. You are in for a wild ride with him and after being so sick, I would not think one would be up to it.
If you cannot afford the house on your own, you may want to think about getting a smaller house in a nice neighborhood that you can afford on your own. If he is unreliable...then don't rely on him. Don't let an object like a house stand in the way of your peace of mind, there is just no sense in living in a beautiful house of your dreams that keeps you tied to an impossible situation that makes you worried and unhappy.
Once you know you can make it on your own if need be, THEN you can decide whether you want to stay with him or not freely. As long as finances dictate your choices, you are not even really able to make a clear, unbiased decision for yourself.
Besides, if you sold the house tomorrow...and then he sobered up forever....then you would just have created a more financially secure postition for the both of you anyway. It sounds to me like relying on two incomes to either bust or hold is teetery. Good luck!
Thank you all so much for responding to me. I've have been deperate for someone to talk to about this and you have all given me food for thought. I'll keep you posted on wghat I decide to do or not do. Thanks so much I feel better by pouring my heart out and have someone listen. I have no family left living and have felt very alone. You are all wonderful to take the time to advise me. Chetch
