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Oh what to do what to do. My mother-in-law just called and said that my AH has turned up. His stepdad just got home from work and my AH was sacked out in his recliner in the living room. His stepdad had stupidly given my AH a key to his house months ago b/c he was staying there when I wouldn't let him come home. So I don't know if my AH 1st tried to come to my house and found the doorlocks changed and then went to his stepdad's or if he just went straight on there knowing he wouldn't be able to come home.
My stomach is in knots. This means I am going to have to deal with this probably tonight b/c his stepdad is going to tell him he can't stay there unless he gets into a recovery program. He'll probably end up on my doorstep. I was so hoping to not have to deal with this until after vacation. Of course the not knowing was killing me......but I don't want to deal with this.
And I found out he had turned up right after I got off of the phone w/my mom who cancelled going w/me and the kids to the beach. Damn I feel like I cannot rely on anyone any more. I feel anger and anxiety growing. I just want to run away from it all. If my AH can run away when he feels uncomfortable, why can't I? B/c I have 2 beautiful kids to take care and who depend on me. They sure as heck can't depend on their daddy. Life is a pisser sometimes. Sorry I am venting but thanks for listening.
Trying to think of positive things for you - hopefully now you can have some things resolved and then you & the kiddos can have a relaxing vacation.
Someday, your AH will have to face those 2 beautiful kids and the reasons he was not a reliable parent for them - yes it is a disease - but he will still have his own demons to face.
You, my friend, can know that you are doing everything you can to provide a healthy, loving environment for them.
Vent away, girl - vent away - Today is Wednesday - only a few more days til you get to relax and rest - hopefully, prayerfully your vacation will be filled with days of fun in the sun, splashes in the water and sand castles made to last for decades!!!
Remember to Breathe - Just Breathe - Do whatcha gotta do to take care of you!!!
You can rely on your HP - I'll be asking my HP to ask your HP to send you special blessings of comfort and reassurance to know that you are not alone!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I just replied to your prior post....stay calm hon. Keep breathing. Know we are here to understand and support. You are not alone. You are strong. You are a great mother. Be the best friend you need to yourself right now. What you woud do or say for any of us....do it for you. You deserve it...you deserve peace. If his step dad can say you are not welcome here...so can you. He is responsible for himself alone...and he will only cause disruption in your life tonight. You have a right to protect yourself and your kids from this. Hand him over to his HP.
Hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I truely apologize if it does. I am just in the throws of this myself and these words, or ones like them, are ones that helped me get to a better place.
Thanks so much for all of your support. Heaven knows I need it. I am in panic mode....don't want to deal with this. Will it be tonight? Tomorrow night? Friday night? I just don't know. He usually sleeps for a few days after a binge. I reckon it all depends on if his stepdad makes him leave tonight or not.
I am getting ready to leave work in 30 minutes. I will let y'all know how it goes tomorrow. Thanks for listening and helping. I don't know what I would do without my MIP family. Y'all are the best support system.
QOD . . . remember, you can do whatever you want to do or need to do. Likewise you don't have to DO anything.
Sit tight and breathe deep for a while. Talk and vent all this anxiety out. There is really no confusion. You know what you need to do. I say this without knowing myself what you need to do. For me, much of my confusion was anxiety and just not wanting to have to deal with the addict crap.
On another note; it astounds me (and always will) how an alcoholic/addict keeps comin' back . . . if I went out and abandoned my family I would be so ashamed I couldn't show them my face, much less just walk into the house and pass out in the chair. I know, I know, it's the denial and entitlement they feel. It is just so outrageous, and then thanks very much, I'm having to deal with your irresponsible, out of control butt AGAIN. I guess it's obvious it hasn't been very long since I felt almost exactly the same thing. The only differences are in the details of our different lives, and of course the children.
Stay close to us today and good grief, don't worry about venting, I'd say it is necessary right now to blow off some anxiety and get as clear as you can.
QOD, What a rollercoaster. Try to breath. Really stop and take deep breaths. Repeat the serenity prayer in your head over and over again. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know the anxiety you are in right now all too well. Try and do the next best thing for you and your kids.
When my A boyfriend was getting out of jail and I was to go on a cruise with my family, I thought the timing was all wrong. I didn't know what to do or who to turn to. Things have a way of working themselves out, whether we are try to control them or not. Going with the flow goes against my very nature, but man, I imagine it feels really good and so it is a goal of mine. I also can relate to feeling like you can't count on anyone...man I have been there.
I hate that you are going through this right now. I am praying that things will work themselves out and that you will in the end enjoy your vacation. While I was on my cruise, I had to force myself to let go. I actually repeated that in my head, I recall on the boat in Cabo San Lucas.
Your are in my prayers. Take good care of yourself. We are here for you!!!!
I was thinking you don't have to do anything. That's something my buddist sponsor told me. Technically speaking the only optional thing that we have in our life is living. We don't even have a say in dying. It just happens. You have the recovery skills today to handle the phone calls. I've seen you at work. I've seen you grow. So the calls will come--put your best work to the test! Let'em see you grow! And let you see yourself be the best person you never knew you could be!
You know, just because he has turned up again doesn't mean you HAVE to deal with this right now. What will work best for you? When do YOU want to address it? And, what, if anything, do you want to address? I encourage you to really consider your options here--you could address it all, in part, some now, some later, before you go on vacation, after you return from vacation, etc...
I love those signs in offices that read..."Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on our part"... OR "Your sudden return from a crack binge does not consitute an emergency on my part" LOL.
In fact, if you don't want to, you probably don't have to do ANYTHING regarding this if you don't want to before you leave for vacation. What will support your serenity?
Hi QOD If you're worried about your AH breaking into your house while you're on vacation, you could call the police, tell them your situation, and ask them to check your house while you are gone. I've had to do that. I moved in with my mother in a nearby town and put my house on the market. I wasn't able to be at the house much so I had the police drive by and check on things for me. Good luck with everything.
Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Just do what is in YOUR best interest. Relax and get away. I know the emotional rollercoaster has been hard for me. Recently after ny As binge I told him no more. I couldn't go through it again and to call me after 30 days of sobriety and we'll talk. I'm not sure what is going to happen then, but I realized if I keep taking him back and am there everytime he and his behavior dictate, I'm just reinforcing that I support this behavior and let it control me. No more. its hard not to imagine him and the cycle we've been on not in my life, but honestly I'm feel so much more at peace now that I've detached from all the craziness.
I hope you can enjoy your vacation. Important things are not urgent - so get away, relax and take time to distance yourself from everyone and everything if you can. Breath slowly and deeply and come back and let us know how things work for you.
