The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was typing a response to someone a minute ago and realized I should probably start my own topic b/c my brain is just rolling right now.
My AH has been gone for 1 week and 1 day now. No one has heard a word from him. He has no access to money that I know of. There is $47 left in the joint acct that I thought he would have taken by now. Last Tuesday when he made a withdrawal from there, he left $647 in there. So unless he has gone to make a withdrawal and saw there was only $47 in there, as far as he knows, it is still $647 that he could take. AND if he DID find out there was only $47, why would he just leave it there? That has my brain working in double time. Could he be in trouble somewhere? In the hospital, unconscious and unable to identify himself? In jail? In another state? Dead? I checked public records on line to see if he'd been arrested and didn't find anything. So I doubt he is in jail.
Every day I wonder if this will be the day he shows up at my house. That has been stressed out. As I try to fall asleep at night, I am constantly listening for his truck to pull up or someone to fiddle w/the door knob trying to get in. When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is will he be in the driveway when I come down stairs? When I come home at night, I wonder if he will be waiting for me. When the phone rings, is it him or bad news? Will he try to come home while I am on vacation and find I changed the door locks and break in or just walk away? I watch the news for any unidentified bodies found, car crashes, crimes, wondering if I am going to see him.
I have decided to continue with the separation/divorce proceedings regardless of what he does from here on out. Even if he admits himself into rehab, I will continue w/this plan. I don't want to continue to live this way. Constantly wondering when he is going to disappear, when will he show back up, when will he bring trouble to my house that endangers me and the kids.
Something that pissed me off yesterday was my daughter saw a woman smoking a cigarette in her car yesterday morning. She said "Eeeww. That lady is smoking a cigarette in her car. That is nasty!" Then she said "That is why I don't like to ride w/daddy b/c he smokes in his truck w/me and I don't like it." This PISSES me off. I have asked this man repeatedly not to smoke around our kids. And yet, he still does it. Behind my back. Idiot. Like a 4 year old isn't going to blab that it happened. Duh. And it shows that he has no respect for my wishes or for the health and well-being of our children. So I think, if I cannot trust him to follow that simple request, what else cannot I not trust him on? Loads.
And I have been thinking about our relationship and past conversations about why things are rocky. His answers always revolve around sex. He doesn't get enough. That is the reason he goes out drinking and doing drugs. Yea right. But I have started thinking that maybe with his highly addictive nature, maybe he is a sex addict too. Alcohol, crack, sex. It just sort of makes sense. The fact that he wants it ALL of the time. And it is like, if he gets it one night, he wants it the next morning and next night and more and more and more. I get pissed and say no and we go a week or 3 without it. Then when he gets it again, it is the same routine - more more more. So taking this into consideration - I am crazy to ever have believed that he never had sex while gone on his binges. What a fool I am. Now I had the whole gammet of tests run last fall and was clean and plan on doing it again this fall.....just pray that I didn't screw up by taking him back back in March/April. That would be devastating. Not going to dwell on that at the present.
So I have all this stuff and much more going through my head day and night. It is exhausting. Arrgg. Ok, I think I am done for now. I am sure much more will pop up and I will post again. But for now....thanks for listening.
It is so very hard not to worry, not to project, not to assume the worst.
Your post brings back so many old memories for me.
I spent 5 years thinking if I just loved him enough, if I just did things differently, if I just tried to understand him more, if I worked hard on being kinder, the list could go on and on and on.
I feel your pain.
It's been well over 17 years since I divorced my A, and it still seems like yesterday sometimes.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
So good to hear you ramble on about how you feel...what you want and what you don't want. Also about what you want for your children. You sound very clear. It also sounds very clear that rehab or not, your AH is no where near being able to be a partner in the kind of life you want. And that is ok. Take what you need...take what your kids need because they cannot take it for themselves yet. And leave the rest.
Pain,loneliness,grief, anger,suspicion,feeling disrespected....all the norm when my A was here....is now intensified that he is gone (combined with the sadness at the loss of the good times). The fact that is different is profound tho. I am proud of myself for saying no to what was not healthy for me or my kids. I just had breast cancer at age 37 and I know life is too short to put up with someone making me feel like shit each day (even if he also made me feel wonderful). Most of all....even tho the negative emotions still reside inside me.....most of all, the house and my soul and my kids lives are more peacefull. There is serenity. To me, I need to remember what the serenity prayer is praying for....SERENITY. I had the pain,lonliness, etc while he was here, I have it now that he is gone....what I have now that I never had with him, is serenity. And that is what I want and that is what feels right in my deepest truth. I thank my HP.
I try not to beat myself up emotionally. I try to accept myself. I try to do the things I love. I try to do the things I must with patience. I try not to obsess on where he is and what he is doing and what he did....the sex piece that comes with addictions is scary and can feel humiliating to me...I try to let it go. I try to think about it here or with my therapist and not give it power over my life.
This is so hard. Thank you for sharing. Take care of yourself. Do the next right thing. Trust in your HP what ever that means for you.
