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Hello again everyone. Thanks to those that responded to my last post. Basically my husband is still not talking to me and I have found it within myself to ignore this, and yes enjoy the silence. When he has spoken to me it is to tell me that he pays this and that in the house and insinuates that I don't pay for anything. This infuriates me as well, because one, it's not true and two, I'm the first wife he has has that actually works. I have not let on to it bothering me except to say "whatever". I am sick of feeling like I have to defend everything I do. I don't feel like I should be tallying up what I spend and what he spends in the home. He also acts as if I'm worth nothing to him. A couple of weeks ago, after an argument, I told him that one day I was going to walk out the door and keep on walking. He claps and says that it couldn't be soon enough for him. This really wears on your self-esteem. I swear I hate him some days. Has anybody else experienced being accused basically of being a free-loader or made to feel that you have no worth in the relationship?
First of all - please let me clarify I am not taking up for him at all OK? but he may be trying to justify to himself his unhealthy behaviors - like "maybe I drink a little, but I provide financially for this household" The disease really beats their self-esteem up on the inside just like it can ours also - sometimes A's will try to make themselves feel better by saying things that aren't necessarily the entire truth. Another aspect of the disease.
Second - That doesn't mean you have to listen to it or give it any weight whatsoever.
Just because he says it doesn't make it true!!!!
Argueing with him, probably won't do any good either - but you can take comfort in the fact that YOU know the truth and NO ONE can change what you KNOW to be TRUE.
This is a very difficult situation, I know - I struggle with it often in dealing with my AH. I just keep reminding myself - I know the truth, my HP knows the truth and if I tried to argue with my AH - it would only add to my frustrations - so I just repeat to myself - "HP, you know the truth and I am holding on to your strength - just because he's saying it doesn't make it true - we know the truth!!!"
Then, I try to focus on the Next Right Thing - which is usually to do something healthy and recovery oriented for myself.
Hope you are able to do the same for YOU,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Just a couple of weeks ago, my AH bought $200 worth of groceries out of his paycheck. He gloated about how much more stuff he managed to get and spending less money than me. I told him that was so true and he is so much better at grocery shopping than me and that maybe he should take over making sure we have food in the house from now on. I told him that I would pay the mortgage and utilities and he could pay for & shop for the groceries. His response was almost laughable. He said that for years and years he took care of all the bills by himself and now I am getting a taste of it. I had to laugh. Simply b/c he made it sound like I was a stay home mom who didn't work and didn't contribute financially. I have always worked full time and deposited my full paycheck into our joint checking acct for him to use as needed (until 2 years ago). The difference between what he had done in the past w/the bills and what I am currently doing is - he WROTE the bills by himself w/2 incomes contributing. Whereas I am now WRITING the bills on MY INCOME ALONE. He was comparing apples to oranges. But there was no point in pointing that out. I just laughed and said Oh Ok. What else was I to do? His memory is all screwed up from all the crack he has smoked and his perspective on everything is completely warped. So I chose to NOT add fuel to the fire he was trying to spark and an arguement was completely avoided. Although I will admit I was privately peeved at him for the way he looked at things.....but I kept it to myself.
Ugh! They are delusional! It has seemed to me that my ABF (now ex) has needed to defend his own paperthin sense of self esteem by putting me down. How weak - how transparent -- it drove me nuts.
My live in BF was unemployed...I as a single mom supported him. Yet he always criticized my spending habits, ways of managing the house and my $. He said you are crazy.... You will never be with anyone descent because you are so xxxx up..... You are sick....when I said I don't want this anymore, it always gave him excuses to go run around behind my back and say I pushed him to do it.
Know what you know and don't listen to his abuse. I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I know it well. Remember you are worth the world!!!! You have a right to feel better.....go do some things to make it happen!
With love and support, Fifi
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 20th of March 2009 11:32:41 AM
He won't be clapping all that long when you do walk out and keep walking.
I had to learn the hard way not to make those kind of threats unless I was willing or COULD follow through on them. The feeling of frustration and impotence when my bluff was called was humiliating, and then I would get sooo angry. Only hurting myself. Didn't make a dang bit of difference to the A. He "won" when he called my bluff, so I stopped bluffing. The last thing you want to give someone crazy and holding a gun is ammunition.
And of course he appreciates nothing you do . . . he barely notices, and if he did it would challenge his denial system. Not much gets in the way of that when an alcoholic is still using or has no program of recovery. Rita had lots of good stuff to say here.
QOD's and Fifi's experiences with their As . . . all I can do is laugh (bitterly!). What can you say to such complete insanity? Confront it or let it go? Hmm, how much energy do I have, and what do I want to do with it? Argue with this insane person? Whatever! Sometimes I did, and it never ended up to be a good thing for me.
In her book "emotional black mail" Susan Forward proposes using humor to get your point across when all else fails. One woman bought a psudeo oscar for her husband, dressed like it was the oscars and said "For the man with the biggest chip on his shoulders, who doesn't appreciate anything I do, and then goes out and expects me to be the ideal wife, My husband!" One woman bought hula hoops of different sizes, and brought them for her husband, saying "Ok, hon: now, do I jump through this size [smallest], this size [medium], or this size [largest]? Since obviously I just can't please you without jumping through these, which one this time do I jump through? Or is it the hoop of fire I need to jump through?" One man for his gay partner bought a hangman's noose from a halloween store, and presented it, saying "Alright Hal, do you want to tie this or do you want me to ask Mom to? I'm afraid if I do it, I'll actually miss!" Since he can't seem to communicate without bein an a##, it's worth a shot. Humor can humiliate into embarassment. If nothing else.
I love the idea of humor, but hate that I'd have to explain the punchline.
I can identify with feeling unappreciated. For five years, the A in my life was going through a severe depression, so he sat in my family room, in my house, while I went to work and paid for everything. Last week, when everything came to a head, he told me that I was pathetic and that all I do is sit around all day (I work in education, so decided to take the summer off). Oh, and when I watered the flowers outside, I overlooked two plants, which prompted him to tell me that I need to "get off my lazy, dead ass" and do something, because he has to do everything.
Luckily, gray hair is kind of flattering to me!
Big hugs, MHG
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
I can understand this. At one time the A was a real good bread winner. In fact most of our relationship he paid for most stuff. Then it gradually turned. Now he's at the point of being addcited i think to chaos. It is nearly impossible not to be pulled into it.
Be nice to yourself. Know you are going to fall now and again. I have had to learn to give up expecting perfection in the recovery process.
The one thing that matters more then all of that is "DO YOU APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO?" That's all that matters. In this world it all boils down to what you think of yourself and what your children feel, your legacy. That's it. Dont let anyone degrade you or feel less. Only the truth should hurt. Tell him to piss off!........OR.....you could tell him that ten pounds of pressure can pull his peeny off.....hahahahahaha He won't sleep very well at night now will he. I don't let trash talk from my ah to bother me. I know he's jealous that I am the leader, the provider, the back bone for my children, their protecter. It's his insecurity that he has fear of and it's YOU that he can take it out on. SO he's actually saying to you what he needs to tell himself. Good luck. Please remember this. mwah.
Hi Julie Lynn- my AH has been out of town for a week. Now he comes home and is all critical of the organization of the household, how the kids act etc. I'm like "dude, easy for you to say-- you were out and about with adults for a week." I don't take criticism well anymore-- and for me, that is healthy. I used to actually believe that if he said it, it must be valid. Could I have a cleaner house? better behaved kids? save more $? lose some weight? I suppose all of those can be true-- but who does he think he is criticizing me?
I am concerned that since he is not using currently, that he is becoming more aware of the reality of his life and likes it less. I don't care if he likes it or doesn't. I just don't appreciate the "constructive" comments. grrrrr.
Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
