The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is the court hearing for the restraining order. It has been rescheduled three times. The first hearing (if you remember) the A and I came in without counsel and the judge cancelled and rescheduled, insisting we both GET counsel first.
I didn't understand why at first, thought it was pretty cut and dried (my first lawyer advised me thusly, so he is no longer my lawyer :D) and now I understand much better. With the A on the property/house title, everything is more complex. OK, my new lawyer helped me understand this.
The closest I've come to being in court with a lawyer going back and forth is books and TV.
It's intimidating and upsetting to imagine sitting in a court room hashing out what feels to me like very personal business. These kinds of things don't feel like they should be part of a public record!!
When I met with the lawyer yesterday, we organized our "plan". I'm to state my professionally gained knowledge of methamphetamine addiction and it's relationship to violence (having worked in the rehab).
During the planning session, the lawyer put his pen down and said "I'm just going to ask you this bluntly . . . how come you let this go on and on and on, after you have all this professional experience with chemical dependency???"
Like I haven't wondered about that myself! I felt my eyes sting but I just looked at him and said "Obviously it didn't help me much, did it?" The "sickness" of it all settled on me, a feeling of grief and regret. Not overwhelming, just 'real'. I told him a little about the illness shared by the alcoholic and spouse. I said living around active alcoholism and addiction 24/7 for extended periods of time makes the spouse ill as well. I told him about the depression, isolation and despair, and then how I rejoined Alanon and have stayed active in it.
That feeling of grief and regret has been with me since. Well of course it has, it's there and it's real.
As horrifying and plain hurtful the A has been . . . the threats of being beaten, being manhandled, verbally and emotionally beaten down, living with the unpredictability, anxiety and fear of being hurt, it's all true, and it's also what happened to a relationship that we had such high hopes for. We had so much fun, too. We had many good times, enough that it took me a long long time to admit to myself it was over. I felt repulsed by his touch or attempts to for months and months. I've heard from other's experience that's when they knew they had to move on from the relationship. I'd been fighting this for a long time, I didn't want to let go.
So it's sad to deliberately ignore and let go of the "good" in the relationship. It was there. But not anymore, and no amount of hoping or wishing will bring it back. I am not immortal, my life is basically half over. I'm choosing to move on and away from a man who reignited my wish to be a married woman once again.
At the end of our talk yesterday the lawyer said, "What if he goes to rehab?" I wasn't sure what he meant, so I just answered his question. "That would be great, I hope he does." The lawyer then said, "You won't change your mind about any of this then," and without a nanosecond of reflection I said "No, I can't be with someone who might do this again."
Nothing has changed on the outside, but much has inside. Perhaps it's just ME recognizing albeit late that the door is closed forever.
It's just so sad when love ends like this.
That's all, and I'll post later tonight on how it all turns out. Thanks for listening.
(())) Kim you have to think about what is in your best interests now and you are doing that. You are showing a lot of courage. The lawyer hasn't lived your life so he will not have any understanding of why you stayed. Your post speaks volumes about the growth of you as a person. I hope the light is showing at the end of the tunnel for you now. Luv Leo xxx
Kim - I hope your lawyer was asking that question out of professionalism, as in "anticipating the question from your A's lawyer".... Regardless, I think whether we are formally & professionally trained in addictions counselling or not, the answer to that question remains very unique to each of us...... The saying "I did the best I did with what I knew at the time" comes to mind.....
If all "experts" followed their own knowledge, why would so many doctors either smoke, or even become cocaine addicts, etc??
The world is a strange place.... I'm glad your lawyer asked you the question about whether you would change your plans if your A chose rehab - that's an important one.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear Kim - Thank you for your post. It spoke directly to my heart. With my AH currently gone for 1 week and 1 day (but whose counting, lol), I am working hard to pick myself up and dust myself off.
I expected him to disappear again at some point when I agreed to work on our relationship months ago. I didn't know if it would be in a week, a month, 6 months, 6 years.....but I knew going back into this, that it was bound to happen. And it did, he is gone and no one knows where he is, what he is doing, nothing. Just disappeared.
I have had to go through much of the same thought processes you have described in your post. I am not talking with a lawyer about anything currently as I filed for separation in Jan, which will be followed by an uncontested divorce next Jan. But I too have had to ask myself that same question: What if he goes into rehab? Will I change my mind and want to work things out? My answer: No! Too much has happened. And the risk of him going back to his addictions later down the road are too high. Even if everything else was fine between us, that one piece of the puzzle would worry me daily - the If and When will the bottom fall out again.
Keep you chin up, stick to your guns and do what is absolutely in the YOUR best interest. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sincerely, QOD
When you have a sad day, or a second thought about all that could have been, come back here and read this post. Sometimes the hardest thing but the best thing we can do is move forward -- to walk a way.
Gosh you guys . . . you are all just right there with me. I can't express how much that means to me.
Tom; I believe the lawyer asked that question for both of the reasons you brought up. The moment he asked it, though, it was two people conversing and one asking the other a question that anyone would wonder about -- why???
I think it is the 'whys' that are the source of my sadness. I know why, and I told the lawyer as honestly as I could without simply saying "I loved him, that's why."
I really did. Do. When you love someone and they are dying from a disease that will kill you too, you have to save yourself. There's not much comfort in that at this moment in time, but it's facing reality which I'm determined to do no matter how I feel about it.
Again, thanks. I need to get up and go in one hour, and I'm so sleepy I can't keep my eyes open. Cuppa coffee and I'm going to stay on the board and read to keep Alanon stuff in my brain until time to go. I'm so grateful for all of you!
I hate it when people assume that just because I work in the field I'm the expert. Great example is because I work at Khol's I know everything about Khol's. The logic would work, except it doesn't. This is where the a** of you and me comes in. Sweetie, this is what my sponsor told me when I had to meet with financial aid, because I have a feeling you and your husband are going to be in court alot more hashing out sensitive personal business: just the facts, ma'am. I was so humiliated to tell the IRS about my parents. So humiliated. But the relief came as soon as I heard "I'm sorry you're in this situation." I realized what one of the accountants in my home group had said: "These are professionals. Believe it or not, they've heard it before. It's that you've been involved so long and it's so fresh." Yeah this f****ing sucks. The wounds are f***ing fresh. But I have complete faith you are going to get through this and be a better lady for it. "Just the facts, ma'am." It took a huge load off.
Hi Kim... Again, I feel like I am reading my own story. My first court experience was so similar to what you described. I had to go back several times. First my AH showed up (very drunk) with a lawyer who he hadn't even met before that morning. We had to reschedule so he could have a chance to go over things with the lawyer. The next time in court, he let his lawyer go and was unrepresented (not a bright move). He failed to show up in court a couple of times. Then when things were almost final, he hired a new lawyer and decided he wanted to argue over things. I had to go to court a total of 5 or 6 times! I think my A was just trying to make things more difficult for me and delay the divorce. I'm just a few months ahead of where you are now. Believe me... things will get better for you!
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Just wanted to give you hugs, thoughts and prayers, from a new friend. I hope everythinh went well and renewed your resolve to do what's right for you even more.
As soon as I got to the court building (in the blessed AC, it's over 100 F down there), my PREVIOUS lawyer showed up and gave me copies of the A's complaint against me. I was rather surprised at his self advocacy -- again, if I were him I'd be hiding in shame in the mountains.
So this changed everything. It didn't HAVE to, it just made better sense for ME, so here goes: (I'll outline it briefly, it might be educational for someone out there)
I was requesting a 'domestic protection order', and the A challenged me with a regular 'restraining order'. The difference is he can reclaim his guns with the regular RO, but he still cannot approach me or the property. All I have to do is agree to this. The domestic protection order, because we're both on the house title, according to the lawyer was a pretty sure thing, but he couldn't guarantee the judge would give it. If the judge declined it, I would be completely unprotected period. The chances of that were fairly small, but I don't want to take any chances at all. So next week, we get to go BACK to court to discuss the regular RO.
The gun thing . . . I have his summons for felony possession of methamphetamine in Spokane county. He will get his guns back when Hell freezes over. His arraignment is Monday the 16th. I'm suspending my psychic abilities, who knows what will happen. But all this guided my decision to work on a regular RO with a few amendments, like the A cannot come within 100ft of the property boundary, not the residence itself, and that a peace officer must accompany him to get any other belongings. This way, I am assured of protection period end of story, I can call the police to report a violation on his part just like before. I'm glad I established that precedent . . . that I certainly WILL call the police without hesitation. Talk about a boundary I can enforce.
He also filed suit against me (again, I was surprised) to sell the property and give him half the proceeds. So I retained the present lawyer for this case. If you remember, this is what I was going to do anyway. In a nutshell, this property was purchased with the sale of MY home in California, so I have some leverage to at least decrease his interest. I truly screwed myself by allowing him to put his name on the title, but at the time he was sober and we were starry eyed with dreams of the country and a farm. It's something I have to live with and learn from. I can do that.
The A also wrote up a comprehensive list of all the high priced tools, vehicles and "gear" that he wants me to gather up and hand over to him. He can sit on it and spin. He needs this stuff for his "job", so I refused to give him any of this high price items until his employment and "need" for these items can be verified with the 'employer'. My thought is he will sell these items as he's broke (his lawyer agreed to represent him if the A hands over his gun collection, but he has to not have a felony conviction first).
His entitlement toward "his" stuff I listed above even got my lawyer going a little. It's really such a relief to have someone powerful and smart on my side. I'm grateful for him, I trust him, and I can see he is interested (he offered to represent me in this, I didn't have to ask him to).
So that's the story. I of course "expected" to walk out of there with a domestic protection order. I walked out with a continued ex parte and a lawsuit against me. Goes to show where expectations can get you. I learned from this to expect anything.
Hope this wasn't too long and boring, but that's the update. Thanks for caring so much, everyone!
