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Our son leaves for boot camp on July 19 for 22 weeks....his Dad wants to spend time with him....our son doesn't want to hardly be in the same room as him...our son is respectful to him, they chit chat, but he is still mad at his dad for saying all the horriable things he said and did last week to me. Our son feels bad now cause his dad left to go camping alone and left him some note i haven't seen yet....he's worried he'll do something, like drink...our son as been to al ateen, and a couselor he knows he can not control it or him, but he still feels bad...words to comfort him are not flowing from me very easily....i'm trying to keep my side of the street clean, all i can say is he is sick even if he is not drinking..he still is smoking and has very little program..how do i make him feel better, what can i say, i know the pain he feels..it wasn't so long ago i had all those feelings to...i'm just numb now, angry, hurt, sad...I told him it's ok if you want to go, and I really do mean it, but he's so angry with him...
What kind of thng have YOU been told, here or elsewhere, that comforted you? That is what is most likely to comfort your son.
One thing that someone here once said that meant a lot to me was not to speak for your alcoholic to the children - don't say "Your dad really loves you but...." etc. You don't know what the alcoholic feels, you cannot speak for him. All you know is what YOU feel - that is what you can say. As much as possible (considering everybody's safety) stay out of the relationship between your son and his dad - it is none of your business. The relationship that you DO have a hand in is the one between your son and yourself.
If possible, I would try to not make loyalty to you an issue - try not to make your son feel that he must choose between the two of you. HIs feelings are probably complicated enough, he doesn't need the added problem of trying to please you (or, trying to rebel against you, or whatever else is going on) thrown in .
Lin's post reminds me of my maternal grandmother, who I loved very much. She was a classic codependent person, and used to tell me when I was young "I know your dad has made mistakes, but you have to love him, he's your dad." I remember automatically rejecting this, and feeling confused because I loved my Gramma so much, but how could she say that? My father was an alcoholic with lots of anger issues, and was frequently violent. I do not remember ever loving him, and from an early age I knew he was not OK.
I was pretty young, though, but even then I had awareness of what was right and wrong. To have my beloved Gramma make excuses for him, or tell me this when I complained about him, hurt my relationship with her. His behavior was "ignored", not talked about, a source of shame and fear. I wish someone had at least acknowleged my feelings, not tried to get rid of them. I felt I didn't have anyone to trust.
I really like what Lin had to say about how to help your son. He's made a very constructive choice to go to boot camp, I'll bet he has a good head on his shoulders beneath his teenage antics.
I find it hard to help my own son cope w/his fathers addictions. I try to explain to him that we have no control over his dad and his actions. All we can do is concentrate on ourselves, our happiness, our well-being and work hard to stay positive. The hard part is not bashing my AH for all of his careless, irresponsible and wreckless behavior. When he disappears on a binge, I get bitter towards him and have to really work hard to not verballize my mean thoughts.
I think that is what wears me down too. Trying to maintain a positive front for the kids and the rest of the family and work. Like life is dandy and nothing is going to get me down.
With my son, I just make sure he knows the FACTS not opinions. I let him know that I have everything under control as far as we go and that we cannot dwell on things that we cannot change. We have to live our lives regardless of what his dad is doing. It is hard sometimes but my son is getting the hang of it. Now my daughter is a different story. She thinks her daddy works a lot and that is all I can do for the time being....she is only 4 1/2 years old. To explain anything else to her would confuse her and so I let her form her own idea of where daddy is.
Take care of you and give your son lots of hugs. Sincerely, QOD
I would let your son know you do not label him. You know he is someone special and he's going to go great things. Let him know you are proud of him. His father is irrelavant at this point. He needs words of encouragement and hope. He needs lifted up. It's about your son now. A mother has a ton of power and that is your child. You can be his strength and maybe things will be just fine. I wish him luck.
