The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a long time since I last posted. I started going to college and have been so busy with school.
My active AH and I got into an argument over the weekend about something very stupid. When we argue, my husband will go for days acting cocky and arrogant and won't speak to me for days. I had gotten very good at ignoring this little power play of his until this weekend. All I can say is I just lost it. I started an argument with him by asking if he was going to stay mad over this little argument we had and he told me yes. He started calling me names and usually I will go into the bedroom to get away from him. This time though I called him every name I could lay my tongue on and screamed so loud that my voice is hoarse today. I am just so sick of his sh**! I have been trying to save up money to leave. I thought I could ride it out until I had enough money but now I don't know what I'm going to do. I just needed to vent.
Hi Julie , your post rang a bell or two for me , my husb used to do the silent treatment too drove me nutso . Then someone said to me Have u ever thought of enjoying the silence ? I looked at her like she was nuts and said well NO actually I hadn't . She said when hs isn't speaking he isn't complaining or hollering at you , enjoy !!!!!! what a concept . hehe she also told me If i did tht she would almost guarantee that his mood wouldnt last nearly as long . and she was absoluttley right , when were not reacting it throws them off balance . So just get on with your day leave the mood with him and turn up the music and dance . hehe drives em nuts . Louise
We are just human, and the *crap* we have to put up with alcoholism just wears away at you. Of course we are encouraged NOT to lose it like this, but only because of how it hurts us.
I posted about doing the same darn thing a couple of months ago. My A just strolled in after a binge and I did pretty much what you did. It was almost irresistable, that urge to just blow. I felt like I was on fire, and said stuff that I really meant but it was unkind and just made him gloat at my loss of control. And I felt almost like I had the flu after.
Be especially easy on yourself today, you need some self-TLC and a good meeting. It's amazing that we put up with what we do. You obviously have the strength and presence of mind to "stay out of it" most of the time, it's a huge deal to be able to walk away and not engage, even doing it one time.
Great post and I read it like my sponsors taught me to read my own share. Soooo what was your part in it again? I use to hate that question until I leared I am the only one I can possible manage.
(program question...Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?)
If its any consolation, I was where you are. I did all the walking away, responding not reacting, detatching....One day I lost it, I was worse than you, I threw things at him, his cell phone, tv remote, and I lashed out....I was so so angry and let down by his behaviour. And all the time his arrogance raged. He called me names. He couldn't believe I had flipped. I couldn't believe it myself.
Anyway then the huge guilt set in. I beat myself up for so long, blamed myself.
Yes, I lost it and yes that was not a great move, and yes I was sorry. But really I had taken enough, so much **** for so long.
So, I could obscess and feel more guilty or I could draw a line under it and forgive myself. I chose the latter even though it was hard.
I feel the insidious nature of this disease dragged me under. It was up to me to pull myself out. This lashing out madness was not me. So, with HPs help I got my strength back.
My situation is that I had to leave my A. I couldn't cope anymore with the disease. I know other people learn to live with it, I could not.
When I left I realised how low my own self esteem was. This was a real shock to me. and I learned that 'Hurt people hurt people'.
I hope you forgive yourself for this. It was a natural reaction to circumstances that were unacceptable. I see real growth in your post. It's up to you where you go from here.
Hey Julie Lynn- glad to see you back here. Sorry to here things are as usual with the A.
forgive yourself for going off on him. Realize that most people wouldn't even tolerate the situation as long as you have. Also realize that losing it probably made you feel better (at least at the time)-- but don't expect it to change his behavior one bit (3C's and all)
Good work on going back to school! I went back to school in the past year myself and found that once I put my needs higher I was less tolerant of the A's antics. And that is probably for the better.
take care and keep coming back! Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
