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Hi everyone, I'm hoping someone can give me their perspective on my situation. I'm driving myself mad at at the moment.
As I get better and pull away from the disease of Aism,I can see the codependancy of my family members more clearly. There is a lot of control trying to go on. But this is commonplace in my family, the way it has always been. It's just that I am now more aware of this and I feel it is really dragging me down.
I find that if I try and stop my sister from controlling me, it causes unrest in her. I am ever on a knife's edge. I know I can't win with trying to reason with any aspect of this disease, and so try to avoid doing so.
Really I feel that I am uncomfortable around drinking in general at present. Also I am uneasy around controlling people.
I think in order to detatch, I have to physically not be around my family at present. Of course I feel guilty about this too. Also the practicalities of my life mean it would be very difficult to not be around my family.
My exA is not in my life anymore. Last I heard he was drinking himself to death. My dad is an activeA, although not able to really drink anymore. I don't see him much. My mother is very codependant. We do not see eye to eye generally. I have had a lot of resentments about my childhood, although I have done a lot of work on releasing these, and am now much better. I am recovering well.
Has anyone any experience of this? I could do with some ESH. AM
I can relate to what you're saying. One of my sisters, 6 years younger than me, always tries to control our conversations by saying little things that are very subtle. For instance, we were talking about my husband and me, and she asked how I was. I said, fine, and began to cheerfully talk about this and that. She then said, "No, how are you REALLY"? I said "FINE, REALLY", and told her "I'm REALLY, REALLY fine, to stop trying to read into the conversation more than was really there". She got offended, said she had to go to her hair appointment and hung up abruptly. She didn't call me for almost 3 months. And I was ok with that! LOL...
This particular sister always feels the need to control our family. She makes over $100K (disgusting...lol...she has never been to college, just is self-trained in her field), and is in a very powerful position at work. It fits her personality, but she thinks that she needs to be the fixer of our family. She has told me in the past, "I worry about you, about our other sisters, our parents", to which I replied, "I'm a grown-up now, and I can take care of myself." (I am self-employed, and my husband has a very good-paying self-employed occupation.)
Just a few days ago, she was asking me how something was going regarding my job, and I told her it was still in the works, just was a matter of time. She said, "the other day when you told me about it, you were really excited" (using that "tone" that meant I didn't sound excited now...that maybe the transaction wasn't going to happen after all). I said I was excited, but it had started to sink in, and the excitement has calmed down a little now. When I hung up the phone, I muttered to myself "I hate talking to her, she's so controlling". It's almost as if she has this "I told you so, but you didn't listen to my advice" attitude.
Anyway, sorry to go on and on, you just opened a can of worms for me, LOL!
((((annmarie)))) I can relate to a lot of your post. I am trying to recognize when I am triggered by family and friends and try in the moment to think about what I want, what is okay by me and to do it. That is on my good days, which aren't as often as I would like. There are times when I remove myself from situations all together. As long as I am not isolating myself, which I am really good at, and I am doing what is best for me...that is progress! Take good care of you, you are sooo worth it!!
If you can't stay away physically all the time, you can learn to detach, and one way I do this is to laugh about the whole mess, yes, right in front of them. And I say, "You are funny."
If this isn't appropriate, I just say things like....that's nice, but it doesn't work for me or.....oh really? or....I'll think about what you said. etc etc.
Don't accept anyone's control over you if you can help it.
Family is pretty tough to detach from. I spent years in therapy over mine. My family are not that supprotive at all never were. The A's mother was a piece of cake when it came to control.
I've come to accept them. That doesn't mean there wasn't huge grief periods over dealing with what I needed and what they weren't. There were.
I think its impressive you can see this stuff. I know my own controlling issues and my own over reactions to those who try to control me are a continuous saga. Getting off the train is difficult.
I spent years and years not talking to my family. Did it help. Some. At the same time I was surrounded by people who were much like them.
My own family of origin lives eats and breathes denial about our upbringing. I used to rail and grieve about it night and day. Now I accept it. Does that mean I interact with them much, not really. At the same time I do accept they had their own scars from growing up as we did.
Boundaries are something I live eat breathe sleep these days with everything from the pets to the A to the neighbors to the people who live in the house I do to beyond that.
I think its a pretty hard road to be willing to look at these patterns. At the same time not looking at them nearly killed me so I have nothing better to do.
