The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've wanted to join this board many times.Maybe it was denial,shame or fear that kept me from here.I need help in sorting out my anger.I want to understand that it is a disease and not a decision.
My fiancee of 6 years was carted of to jail for the third time in 3 years.All d.u.i related.He will more than likely be gone for several years.He was very well aware of the consequences if he was arrested again.I begged,pleaded,cried,screamed...everything.My heart is broken.I'm angry.He's left a huge financial burden on me as well.I'm raising a child on my own now.I've actually been doing the child rearing on my own from the begining. I'm so ashamed.We are both professionals.We know alot of people in our city.I'm asked by 10 people a day where he is(casually)What do I say?What do I tell my child?It's only been a few days.I want my self back.I love him,but I can't put my life on hold anymore.
I am so sorry for your pain. I am in a very similar situation. What helped save my sanity was getting to the point of being willing to reach out. It sounds like that is where you are now. Alanon is a wonderfully supportive program of recovery. If you haven't already, try to get to a face to face meeting or an on-line meeting here. The listing is at the top of this page in yellow. I am happy you reached out today. It is so hard to focus on ourselves when our qualifiers can create so much chaos, but we are worth it!!
Thank-you!I've been searching for face to face meetings in my area. I knew this day would come.i prayed that it wouldn't.He's deeply sorry now.Sorry that maybe he was caught.I don't know.I invested so much of my self in to this realtionship.We were a family.My dreams for the future are going to be much different now than we planned.I'm gratefull for my child.She's the best part of him.I pray for his safety .I pray that he recieves the help he needs.
WELCOME! So glad you have decided to reach out...what an amazingly courageous thing to do...accepting the reality you are in and speaking the truth. Simply doing that for me has been cathartic. I came here 7months ago and tho my life and my choices have not been easy, my perspective about my A and about myself have changed a lot. I have learned that the disease destroys what is good and loving all around it. I have learned that the only chance I have is to take care of myself and my children. I found that for me I could not do this while sharing a life with my A. Sounds like you are in a very intense and fragile place.....but powerful,too. Take it easy, keep breathing, keep coming back.
My own experience in when my A went away to rehab was that telling the simple truth felt so good and was so much easier than I had thought it would be.
I also remember the scary feeling when my A hit rock bottom and had to go away....how much worried and prayed and focused on him. I pray for yours during this time,too
But what I learned here was to pray for my self, and for my safety. I learned that the key to peace and serenity and positive change was entirely within myself.
I am at my wits end with shame and guilt over my daughters drinking she also went to jail. I let her stay in jail hoping after she dried up she would leave jail and recognize that her life had to change. She got out and went right back to drinking. I am new here too and I am so glad I can at least vent. I am so angry too. I am 52 years old my youngest son graduated high school and is attending university and now instead of enjoying my freedom I am stuck raising my 12 year old grandson becqause she is "sick". I Love my grandson but even thought I don't want her life she is free to roam as I try to figure out what to do next.
One part of your story I sure relate with is that both my alcoholic/addict and I were "professionals", he worked in the local emergency room and I was a nurse manager for a chemical dependency hospital. I remember the day I called my boss and told him, it began my opening up. I was so ashamed, mainly of myself, what must people think???
Since there are AA/NA meetings for "just professionals" like doctors, nurses, lawyers, etc out there, we know alcoholism and addiction is not just for bums and losers. No one is exempt. I had a community profile, and was very tentative about going to meetings because half the members came through rehab with their spouses.
I too dreaded opening up, "exposing" myself. But when I did, it was such a relief. The secrecy and shame, I found, are just part of the syndrome that we the spouse shares with the alcoholic.
I'm in a very small town now where everyone knows more about me than I do, and I go to the local AA meetings. There's not much anonymous about it, but it is a community of people connected by a common problem and solution. The isolation isn't worth the misery, I've found.
I hope you find a good meeting in your area, and in between this board is a daily visit for me. You can check in anytime, post any time, and the recovery here is so helpful. You are in a tough situation now, my alcoholic has felony charges facing him. It was best for me to make the break with him due to domestic abuse. This group here helped me through some tough times. Be kind to yourself and keep us posted on how you are doing!
Hi and welcome , tell them the truth . it's so damn hard to keep track of all the lies we tell to cover up . You don't have to run him down just stick to the facts, he is an alcoholic . Proffessional or not your life has been affected by his behavior , forget what u think you know about alcoholism and please go to Al-Anon for yourself . It is anonymous and a safe place to share what is ging on , first names only and u do not have to talk about what u do for a living . good luck Your not the first as kim states in her post to you and don't take on the shame of his disease , it's n ot yours to carry . HIs actions and behavior have landed him in the position he is in now . Nothing u did or said caused this . Your not responsible for his behavior . Period . Louise call 1-888-4alanon it is toll free and international they will give u a contact number for your area and a meeting place .
I want to thank everyone for their words of wisdom and support.I'm still very much in shock over all of this.I'm taking each day as it comes.I've slept better in the last few nights than I have in years.I'm no longer waiting up for him to come home.I feel free.My heart breaks for what we've lost,what could've been.
Welcome to MIP... You've received all kinds of great responses here, and you're keenly aware already (to acknowledge that he is mostly sorry he got caught). Alcoholics will often try to correct the minimum they need to, in order to maintain their addiction and keep life as it is....
I would encourage you to pick up a book entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. This book was a lifesaver for me, and taught me soooo much about what I needed to do, mostly for ME. In a nutshell, this book explains to us that "if we REALLY love our A's, then we need to get ourselves healthy". The reality is that he may or may not choose to get himself healthy.
I wish you well. Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome Steel Magnolia. You are not alone anymore. We who come to alanon have either or are still living the life you have just explained. There is hope. I am glad you are looking for a face to face Alanon meeting, as they do truly help. It may be confusing at first , but keep going back, as you will hear things from others sharing their Experiences, Strengths, and Hope (ESH), and from that a person always leaves with a point another has said. I too was embarrassed, scared, and intimidated by alanon and never called to find out where a meeting was. Finally when I became a total basket case, I called and went to my first meeting, that was over 7 years ago, and am still going. I just wish I would have went sooner, but as most of us we try ourselves to fix something that is truly unfixable. It is like banging our heads against a brick wall, and I have many scars to show. Recovery for us from anothers alcoholism or addiction does not happen overnight, it does take time and patience. So welcome You are in the right place!
I spoke w/my A earlier today.The last few days have been a roller coaster.I wish that his rock bottom didn't involve jail.I feel that w/him being in jail,I have a stigma attached to me.I know I did nothing wrong.I KNOW THAT.I feel like I'll be judged for his behavior.My child has been asking me all day if "Daddy better yet,When is he coming home"?I don't know what to say.I've told her that he's out of town.I made him explain to her(something a 4 yr old can comprehend)that he would be gone for a while.He's racked w/guilt,shame..you name it.I'm so angry w/him.I know that he hopes that when this is over that we still have a chance.I don't think that's a possibility.It's only been a few days,but that's how i feel now.My dreaded moment has come.i recieved the phone call I knew I would get.How will I ever trust him again?
