The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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haven't written in some time.....full time with work,kids,home and managing my now sober live-in boyfriends' moods and my reaction to them ( or attempt not to).
i asked him to move out today....after a year of him abusing himself and then 7 months of his sobriety. suprisingly not much had changed. i still cry every day. he is still angry and defensive. he still looks "out there" for things to fill him....no longer drugs alchohol.....but now evrery other distraction (i guess ADD and anxiety and depression don't quit when alchohol does)....there is always something he runds off to...another addict,a meeting, a sale to shop at, shooting the shit in town, work on the car.....i feel horribly judgemental saying this....but i always come last and i get the depressed and mean him (unless he is making up with me and all passionate and loving and sweet)....in the mean time he still has no money no job no friends i am allowed to hang out with (they are all aa...i'm not a member)....i want more of an involved partner. i want someone who doesn't yell and throw things. i want to trust that i am good enough to get the best of him...not just the worst. i want the ups and downs to not be so big...i am working on that for me with success i might add....his influence is making it impossible. i have learned so much about myself in this....i want to apply it in my life with positivity and love.....fo some reason that is not possible with this man that i adore and love so dearly.
it is time to live just for me and my kids.
i will miss our companionship and laughter and company and touch. letting go. it hurts so badly right now.
Hi Fifi , well as your finding out sobriety is not the answer to all of lifes problems but t does help . 7 months is not along time to be sober he is hanging on by his finger tips , AA at the moment is his life line . I assume u are not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you too need support in this difficult transition and u will find it in our program , your worth the effort please find meetings for yourself . Make new friends in program and get your life back on track . We often have our expectations way out of line when sobriety finally comes in to our lives , I ahve learned that somedays all the A can do is just NOT drink. If you want a life with this man , lower your expectations accept whats offered and support his efforts at sobriety , I was told along time ago that an alcoholic hasn't a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea , I was the old idea - go figure . every one has to change not just the alcoholic. You do it for you . Neither AA nor Al-Anon promise to save our marriages , but they do promise to return sanity to our lives . Give our program a few months and see how u feel - making an informed decission rather than an emotional one as to wether to stay in this relationship . You will learn here to set boundaries for your relationship his verbal abuse drinking or sober is unexceptale . learn to detach from his moods , if you havent done anything don't take it on . leave it with him where it belongs . My husb was nuts when he quit drinking he too was all over the map finding things to keep him occupied ,that does stop eventually right now he is in what I lovingly call STARK RAVING SOBER mode. Keep busy keep the focus on yourself and regardless of what he does your going to okay . Louise
Gosh there's so many of us living like this . . . I worked my program while my A was home raising Cain, and though I had more good days than bad, it was exhausting. I couldn't get him to leave just by asking or demanding, but I persisted until he was jailed for a couple of weeks.
I must have heard the F word screamed and hollered fifty times a day while he flopped around, couldn't find what he was looking for, dropped stuff, the dog got in his way, I refused to drop what I was doing and rub his feet.
I know I couldn't have lived like that forever. Sometimes we have to decide to separate from the alcoholic just to get our sanity back. Perhaps the Dalai Llama could have maintained serenity -- I do believe it is possible -- but my program ain't there yet. Plus some alcoholics have complications of mental illnesses too, as mine does. It just compounds the difficulty, but that is not our fault, and we can't fix it for them. We have to save ourselves.
You are in the right place, Fifi, to tell him it's time to move one. Aren't you thrilled you aren't married to him???? You and your dear children certainly don't need this influence in your lives. Good decision. You will find the peace you so very much deserve. I send you all the good wishes in the world.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The biggest lesson I learned when A got sober was my recovery does not stop. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different. The other thing that a councelor told me was that if you've only known your A active and he's only known you active, then neither of you are the people you once were. Does that make sense?
His addiction was about him. His recovery is about him. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's hard to feel left out. It hurt me at first. But then, would I want him active again? He has to walk his path in order to stay well. Do what is best for you and the children. The rest will take care of itself.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh I so understand this post. I thought once my ah became sober I would have the man I wanted. So not true. Not even close. After so many years of them being alcoholics they do not have a clue what normal living is. It's like they need a manual to get back with normal humanity. I don't want to be here while a grown man learns to behave himself. I have three children I don't need another and I was not about to give him another eight years of my time. I am tired of being miserable. The saddest thing is by the time he figures out how to live functionally I won't be around It makes you wonder what you fell in love with, where did that man go? It's like the only thing that I can do (not you per se) is leave and start a new life with a new man that's sober so I know what I am getting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are out here to support you and know what your going through. Even though we don't see it, we have changed to. Let's hope for the better. ^i^
My A is working his steps in ways I never dreamed he would. He actually IS the person I always dreamed he could be. Now it's my turn and I'm not doing so well. He's coming up on 6 months next week. He's been unemployed since Christmas (lost his job because he was drunk at work) and his struggles with finding a new job have been difficult. He's handling the stress very well. He's learning how to work through disappointments instead of numbing himself to get by. It's actually very refreshing and wonderful to watch and yet it's difficult at the same time. I expect him to react the way he used to, so I gear myself up for the chaos and start getting nervous and defensive. Then I feel like an idiot when the chaos doesn't come. I just wasted energy being nervous and non-productive, not to mention being defensive and distant with him. I don't know how to let go and stop worrying. He keeps telling me "If you're going to pray, then don't worry. If you're going to worry, then don't pray." It's quite obvious which I should pick, then why is it so hard?
I can hear/feel your pain and for that I am so sorry. Seems to be a lot of that going around these days.
Part of Alanon's preamble states "
We who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
When I first heard this, I thought WHAT?!?! you have got to be kidding me. Well a little bit of humility for me worked wonders. When I continued to work my program and keep the focus on me, my life began to change.
I also recommend (non-CAL) The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, Bloomfield and McWilliams. Loss is not only death. It's loss of a dream. Both of these books were catalysts for me to be validated for once in my life and in concert with working this program gave me the Courage to Change.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you so much everyone!!!! My challenge now is keeping from not crying and keeping my boundaries with him.....not so easy for me. I will look for the mentioned books. Also, I appreciate the post that mentioned if i want to stay with this man lower my expectations and accept what i can....read like the to the wives chapter in the big book....it struck me that even tho possible, it is not what i want to do. I want to raise my expectations for what I want in a partner. Thanks for posing that as an "if"...I felt my answer. I wish i could lower them and stay, but I deserve more than this and I can't be yelled at each day ad I can't cry anymore. I am done.
