The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Got a call Friday, as I was pulling into a parking garage to help set up for City Folk. It was my step dad. Yes, mom and he were still coming down...and they were having a "pre-4th of July BBQ", complete with steaks on the grill. Now, those of you who know me pretty well know nothing signs my RSVP for a BBQ faster than steak on a grill. But this time, it was like major red flag. I knew that Mom had somehow gotten step dad to call me because, some how, if he called me, "it would all be okay. She'll [me] listen then. She'll come back to the fold then..." So, while navigating the ever more complicated turns of the down town parking garage, I simply said "I will look at my schedule and I will see what I can do. I will get back to you." It was like, somehow, my convo earlier last week never happened. It was like, if Mom did all the right things, said all the right things, made all the right gestures, ....somehow it was all gonna be okay. One of the bitter and extremely painful things I've learned through al anon is that "the past" doesn't go away if its not dealt with and given it's proper place of "the past." And just "acting as if" doesn't make it "go away." It just "stuffs" it. And it puts off the problems. So I got with my sponsor. It bothered me that my step dad called me, I said; if mom really wants me there for the BBQ, I said, why can't she call me? It bothers me that she's being all fake, not following up on the convo we had on Tuesday, I said; if my relationship with her is something that really matters to her, I said, why is she pulling this string? Of all the people who would know which string to pull, my mom certainly would. Sweetie, she said, you have a decision to make. You have set a significant boundry, she said; this isn't to say that your boundry can't be flexible on some points, but if you have enough judgement to recognize what games she's playing, you have enough judgement to recognize how to adjust your boundry accordingly. So I called my step dad. "I want to extend my gratitude for the invitation," I said, "I'm glad you both arrived here safely, and I hope you both arrive home safely." My step dad was sad to hear this. When I said the exact same thing to mom, the temperature within the conversation dropped like 200 degrees. The convo ended within like 15 minutes. Now I'm the one feeling guilt ridden. I feel like I told some little kid "No you can't have a puppy, you're not smart enough and you'll let it die." I'm feeling like I told my mom, really, "Go jump off the brooklyn bridge and learn to fly," when I told her, truthfully, "Mom, the way you have been talking to me has hurt me deeply, and I can't allow that in our relationship any longer. I want you in my life, but I can't have that kind of behavior. If it continues, things will change, and it may involve me not being in this relationship. I guess I just wanted to talk. I feel better now that I told someone (a whole lotta someones! ). But, yeah. I think this is why newcomers, understandably and justifiably, are frightened of some of the bigger boundries. The stomach sucking guilt sucks (no pun intended).
My mother acts like this too. I must have told her a million times to watch how she talks to me. She doesn't. She still thinks that I MUST respect her because she's my mother. It's not like that. Respect is earned, I don't care WHO you are. You will never hear the words I'm sorry coming from my mother. She won't even say please or thank you to me. She expects me to hand her everything and play puppy to her. Because they are on vacation I would have probably gone and seen them. At least your dad anyway. But you do what makes YOU feel ok. Good luck.
Tiger I don't have any experience with this. i just wanted to tell you thank you for sharing such a tender situation.
Looks like you are handling things very maturely. Not always easy for we alanoners. I don't know what I would have done if my family had had this horrible illness. It was hard enough that I delt with my A's all my life.
Tiger I am new to this message board so forgive me for not understanding but...is your mom an addict? This behavior sounds like my sister's who is an addict. I am at a point in our relationship where I may have detach myself from her and I don't know how to confront her about it.
major red flag. I knew that Mom had somehow gotten step dad to call me because, some how, if he called me, "it would all be okay. She'll [me] listen then. She'll come back to the fold then..." So, while navigating the ever more complicated turns of the down town parking garage, I simply said "I will look at my schedule and I will see what I can do. I will get back to you." 
....somehow it was all gonna be okay. One of the bitter and extremely painful things I've learned through al anon is that "the past" doesn't go away if its not dealt with and given it's proper place of "the past." And just "acting as if" doesn't make it "go away." 
Sweetie, she said, you have a decision to make. You have set a significant boundry, she said; this isn't to say that your boundry can't be flexible on some points, but if you have enough judgement to recognize what games she's playing, you have enough judgement to recognize how to adjust your boundry accordingly. 
). But, yeah. I think this is why newcomers, understandably and justifiably, are frightened of some of the bigger boundries. The stomach sucking guilt sucks (no pun intended).