The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You are all aware that I landed in a housing situation that is not the greatest. One woman who I live with is staying with her son. She is total codependent in that she never says any of her issues to me personally but complains all the time Then she turns around and acts out in different ways.
I took my toaster out of the common kitchen. I didn't feel comfortable leaving stuff in there after she took one of my saucepans and claimed it was hers. She did the same thing with some glasses I had. I admit there is not much difference between saucepans. At the same time I am dead broke and there are limits to how much I can give away let go of.
So last night I come home and she had literally taken over the whole kitchen. She had to be using every single appliance. Her son was standing there with her in the kitchen and at the same time totally taken over the whole laundry area. He wasn't doing his laundry but he had it out there ready to do so no one else could do it.
In the past I would have gone into a sea of reactivity over this. I would be right back there in my childhood reliving how my elder sister was.
Last night I simply chose to detach. I know it took lots of practice to do that. I chose to detach and not get into it. I could see she was reacting. I could also see she has to make grand gestures. She is having a friend stay with her (which is against the rules). She can't just make her a sandwich no she has to make a four course meal. That is so like me.
I simply went in my room waited an hour or so then came out and made myself something to eat. I was pretty annoyed because I like to drink tea a lot and as she was using every single appliance and was planted in such a way at the stove there was no way I could boil water.
So all this work I have had to do on detaching from the a has paid off. I can make choices now when I could not before.
I still have to live with this woman and it is very difficult. She plays martyr, saint, passive aggressive. the works. I set distance a long time ago. At the same time I think she's in my life for a reason and one of them is to see the grand gestures I've made which eventually came back to haunt me.
It is when we are at our most desparate point, that we learn the ins and outs of our own character. I am proud and a little envious at how well you have taken the lessons/tools of program to heart. I hope that soon you will be able to look back at these times and say "they were tough times, but I stayed true to myself!"
with love, always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Your written words give across a sense of detatchment and yes some of the elusive peacefulness!! Without using the tools, imagine how this would have messed up your whole evening.
You are truly living in a . . . er, challenging situation, active As and active codep's, and your post PROVES what Alanon says, that you can have peace and serenity no matter what crapola is going on around you. When my A would come home for a week or two between binges, it took every ounce of strength and will to not react, to somehow tolerate him. Knowing this could not possibly last forever (because nothing does) kept me going when I thought I couldn't do it another second and was feeling desperation. You're setting an example for all of us, and I thank you for sharing your victory :D .
You are doing really well, I too have to detach from a woman who sounds a lot like your troubled acquaintance. I am working with a woman who is nice but very demanding and is quite manipulative so I can identify with what you are going through, it is very difficult when people behave in ways like this but you can be proud of yourself. I too detached during a demanding week and know its because of this programme, I am far more aware,
