The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have you ever felt that way? As you sit in the meetings or as you read the replies from the members, do you think like I do? Do you think to yourself, can they really know how I feel? Do they really know what I'm going thru?
I have to say, even after almost 4 yrs in recovery, I found myself thinking that - do they really know what I feel?
I have been struggling with a very difficult, painful situation lately. Not sure if it is out of my own pride, or protecting someone's anonymity that I have not shared about this struggle. I have sought help with my closest Al-Anon friends, worked the steps on this issue, and grieved the loss, but have not been very open about the pain. In not sharing this maybe I have represented my recovery as something it isn't.
As I sat in my f2f meeting last night, a fellow member shared about her AH who relapsed after 10 yrs of sobriety. In their 30 yrs of marriage, he has been in & out of recovery many, many times. Regardless, she knows that it is not her shame, it's not about her. It still hurts, but it's not about her. She knows how I feel.
I know that my AH is not being honest about his recovery with his group, his sponsor and with himself. I know that is his path and that I will continue to "Let Go & Let God" take him on his own path of recovery.
But in keeping this secret from my MIP family, I feel that I may have been living a lie. For a few years, it was wonderful to be in a partnership with someone actively working on their own recovery. To see the dishonesty start to take over more and more in all areas of their lives, it is heart breaking.
I struggle hard to set boundaries, to detach, to avoid Open AA Meetings, or other "joint" recovery situations. In being true to myself, I can not present myself as part of a "Healthy Recovery Relationship" to the world, when I know the truth.
So, if to any, I have misrepresented myself - I apologize completely.
I know how it feels to look at someone who you know at once was honest, open and willing to give themselves completely to Recovery, but who has once again lost their way to this disease.
Today is my birthday. I'm 43 yrs. old & striving to Live Happy, Joyous & Free and to have Honesty in all my affairs. So if I am not honest with my recovery friends who love me unconditionally, who can I be honest with?
For me, the disease always wants me to keep secrets. That this is my shame, my guilt, my embarrassment and my despair. It is not. It is just the path that must be walked today.
My attitude is of Serenity & Joy. I have the inner serenity in knowing that I am not alone. No matter what we will be ok, even better than OK.
Joy - I have joy. That inner joy that comes from the reassurance that I have can a smile regardless of what others are doing.
So, I know we have had several newcomers to our site lately. Just in case you ever wonder, how can they know how I feel? For me, personally, I can relate to the pain of dealing with this disease on a daily basis. I'm just grateful for the tools to have to keep myself from wanting to jump off the bridge, like I use to want to on some many birthdays prior to recovery.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Your words hit so close to home for me . . . my layers of denial, shame, and isolation are falling away, leaving me looking at a Kim who is not what she thought she was, but I'm glad for the knowlege and the truth of it.
I'm so glad you're feeling the serenity and peace and joy you have worked so hard on. It sure is a life long process, not an "arrival", isn't it?
I can relate to the denial and shame - my mom's side of the family knows almost everything abt AH - only recently bc my mom came out and asked me some straight-forward questions that I couldn't lie for or cover up anymore (I cried as soon as she asked me and it was pretty obvious). My dad's side of the family knows nothing abt the problems AH has with A - I don't like being dishonest abt it, but I feel like they'd judge me as this little weak woman who's being a bad mother bc they see know some of what he does to me when he's drinking (not coming home/lying). I've even kept it from our daughter to an extent, she has no idea that he's hit me - I told her lies about a nosebleed I had months ago. Thank you for posting this - it's very true and I can relate to the lies - and I can imagine how hard it would be to have everyone think he's in recovery even though he's back into the A. (((Hugs))) Things will get better - maybe not for him - but for you they will. Take care~Gurl25
(((Rita)))) don't worry about being a poster child for success. We all are works in progress. You have the tools honey. Just need to get back and take step 1--AGAIN. gets old, doesn't it? take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
i am only as sick as my secrets. in Al-Anon i find a safe haven to share my feelings and fears. the more i share, the more i heal. as i read recently, "what i resist, persists." i have been reluctant to share my intense grief in meetings, but who am i to decide what others need to hear? that is my higher powers job. i can only, and i must, share from my heart. sharing my ES&H is how i help others, and how i help myself.
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, Rita. My heart hurt for you as I read it. It sounds as if you're handling it with grace and integrity, all any of us can hope for. I hope your loved one finds his way again -- you've obviously found yours, no matter what he does.
I do know those feelings so well. Easy does it on yourself. I think you are a strong, wonderful, compassionate person. We are all on this road of recovery. Sometimes people take the road less traveled. Mine tends to be more twisted and leads me into the dark woods. Some travel around in circles for a while. But we all manage to come out the other side. Thanks for your honesty. You're loved no matter what.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! EAT SOME EXTRA CAKE FOR ME!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((Rita)))))) Happy Birthday - I'm behind on my reading. These posts are coming in so quickly, I'm having a problem keeping up with them.
God bless this web site - it's a life saver.
Thanks for your honesty. You help many people with your posts. I understand how it's sometimes hard to let it all hang out. IMO, that's not dishonesty. We tell what we tell when we're ready. I'm sorry your AH isn't ready to be honest with himself and is causing pain to you (as well as everyone around him).
You certainly seem to be doing your part in working a good program. Take care of yourself. You're in my prayers.
