The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I've been shot with a canon and I have a huge hole in me. I look at it but it's not painful...there is just a huge chunk missing, it doesn't feel right.
My A is all over the place. He says things that make no sense, he seems nervous and on edge. I hate this. I keep stepping back, there is a great distance between us and I watch what's happening to him. The more I step back the more involved he tries to be, the more I see how sick he is. It's like this is killing me in a whole different way.
Last night my daughter asked me why it was her Dad wasn't living with us. She knows but this only showed me yet again how he's trying to maintain a connection with us as "his family" -- but it's only close enough to mess with our heads.....even she said "it would be weird if he were back home." Weird wouldn't even describe it. He doesn't want to here, he can't handle it-- he's having such a hard time holding it together.
It's like he can't even think on his own. When he gets like that he comes to me. Only there is so much distance, he asks if there is anyone else and there isn't. It's just I can't keep doing this. He talks and it just doesn't make any sense to me. He doesn't know me. He's unable.
I'm trying to figure out if this is pity or compassion I have for him -- all I know is that it's easier to be angry...only I can't.
I'm not having my best day. Can ya tell?
okay, so as not to be so down I'll leave you with a little laugh. I teach Sunday school 2/3 yr. old. One of the sweetest little girls with great brown eyes and long eye lashes who is 3 was playing with a whole punch and just talking away to me at the end of class. She say "My daddy had surgery on his Boys" heheheh I said what?? She says "My daddy had surgery on his boys so mommy wouldn't have any more babbies." oh, that's what I thought she said LOL. I love teaching this age, you never know what they are going to tell you. They fill me with joy and laughter! There are good things still going on.
I hate this disease. One of the men who lives in the house I do has good qualities. I can't say the same about the other two. When he isn't drinking he is a sweet man, engaging, giving, loving, kind, concerend. When he drinks he becomes a belligerant fool.
he gets set off by others drinking. Two men moved in who drink like fishes the number of cans they throw out is staggering. they go nowhere, do nothing but drink.
I am so absolutely livid with the landlord for letting them move in. He moved them over from another property because they paid a huge deposit. What about the rest of us????
Since they have been here the house is in the toilet.
the odd thing is I see the so much more clearly now. Set a limit with him is like sticking a flag before a bull he sinks his hoofs in.
What nearly destroys me is that I have no where to put my dogs.
If I had somewhere to go with my dogs I would be gone.
I would just let the A go. I would really. I am so absolutely fed up to the back teeth with his antics.
I don't care anymore some days ifhe lays in a ditch i have come to my limit.
I'm sorry for your pain. Sounds like he's doing the alcoholic dance. You step back, he steps forward. If you step forward, maybe he'll step back! Dunno, works for me.
There was a time when I wanted my AH to be close to me. Because of lies, verbal abuse, etc., those days are over. What I noticed, though, was that when I stepped back he wanted to be more involved. If I started getting too close to him, he stepped back! Crazy!
Does he respect boundaries if you set them? Just a thought if you haven't set firm boundaries.
Your good sense of humor in the midst of all this will serve you well.
I empathize completely. My H is seriously losing it. Poor memory. Disengaged from life. The kids and I are carrying on with life and basically ignoring the lump on the couch or in the bed. Don't even know if he is using anymore-- might just be a depressed dry drunk with no program. He used to see life passing him by and then eventually try to jump on the train. Now he doesn't even seem capable of ever jumping in. I feel pity for him but I can't save him. it is so sad-- especially for my kids to basically lose respect for their dad and see him as this sorry incapable being that he has become. I don't even need to put him down--- he's put himself down in their eyes.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I am sorry you are feeling out of sorts... I tell people "you know that feeling when you are leaning back on a chair--then almost fall, but catch yourself at the last moment... i feel like that all the time". (stephen wright gets credit for that)
You are so strong in program... I actually am a bit uncomfortable writing this to you, but I find reminders of the basics sometimes helpful.
Sometimes I just have to take care of me when I don't feel right. Usually, when those feelings hit me, I am either TIRED, HUNGRY, LONELY, ANGRY or just in NEED of a MEETING. When I take care of my basics, the ripple effect starts happening, clarity comes, I can let go and let God, I can begin again to live outside of my head.
brightest blessings to you and yours love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Add another "I sure relate" to your responses. I can say confidently "Check!" to just about all your descriptions.
I have definitely felt pity, but it hasn't changed how I have to deal with him, for my own sanity. Not that I haven't tried . . . my A can be very unpleasant, sometimes cruel, sober or not.
It's one more "thing" I need to get distance from. It makes no sense to me, overall, to act out my feelings of pity or sorrow for a person who refuses all help and keeps falling in the same damn hole over and over again.
Here's where your post hits home especially. Feeling pity and compassion versus anger. The truth in my situation is yes, the anger is toxic to me (the long, drawn out anger). Momentary or immediate anger is par for the course, but I work hard to release it so it doesn't stick to me.
CJ, I haven't thought about what you've described in the lonely, hungry, tired and meeting needing. It's so true, when I feel an equilibrium within, the A behaviors sure roll off of me easier. But plenty of times, they do not, and I haven't considered HALT in this situation. That's one I'll keep in mind and work with today! Thanks! And thanks Luna, too, for another snapshot of alcoholism that keeps me reminded I am not alone!
I totally understand that feeling. Like you I am not completely sure what that is for me. I think for it may be resentment for sitting and waiting for the miracle to happen to her before I get on with my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am doing things and getting better every day, but I am still deciding what it is that I do with the thought of what that means to her... regularly.
I guess I notice it more now because she is in a good mood. She got a new car, and is getting all set to move into a new place that she likes. Even around me she has been relatively happy... WTF...
She is drinking around me, signing new leases ... and happy. Sounds like she is getting on with her life while I sit and wait for her to wake up and get help so maybe we can be a family again.
I guess I can say I know that feeling... couldn't even guess what it is for you, cause I am not really sure what that means to me, but we can figure it out together. How about that?
Hope you are having a better day today, and know I am thinking about you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh boy can I relate to this. I sometimes have wondered if my A and I live in the same universe or even speak the same language. Then I remember we don't in alot of ways
The conversations may make sense in words but when you have lived the whole big picture, it just doesn't. I am seeing alot of the trying to stay part of my life actions and words but he is falling apart. When I move in a month I don't know if this will get better, just fade away or not. It doesn't really matter, just gotta keep doing the next best thing for me and the big dog
She says "My daddy had surgery on his boys so mommy wouldn't have any more babbies." oh, that's what I thought she said LOL. I love teaching this age, you never know what they are going to tell you. They fill me with joy and laughter! There are good things still going on.
