The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes the drama of living with an alcoholic we lose ourselves along the way, and get enmeshed in all their crap. I found myself obsessing about my AH, where he was , what he was doing, what time would he be home, and waiting alone at home for his arrival. I would watch the clock tick by hour after hour, and stay awake til he arrived home, wasting precious needed sleep. I would give up invitations to go out with friends and family and sit and cry/wonder/speculate, and feel sorry for myself at home. I woudl plan and plot things that surely "HE" would like to do for the next days events etc, and not giving one iota about myself in any shape or form. It was all about him, what he liked, or didnt like, what he wanted to do, or not do. I began to suffer greatly and my self esteem plummeted to such lows, that I didnt feel worthy of anyone or anything anymore. This is what this disease does not only to the A's but to us , the ones who are closest to the A's in our lives. I truly thought that someone else's life was faaaaar more important than myself. Learning to focus on myself was along and arduous journey. Learning to take care of myself first and foremost wasnt the easiest thing to do, as I had fallen into a terrible rut of focussing on someone else and their behaviour. Mine had deteriorated, I had nothing left to give myself. My time and energy was wasted on another and I ended up suffering tremendously for that. Today after many years in alanon I am undoing everything that was negative in my life , and learning not to dwell on another, but to put myself first and foremost. My self esteem is rising to new heights, my well being is getting healthier, and I am learning to be honest with myself. The only person I can control or help is myself. Today I take an active part in fulfilling MY needs, and one of the most important needs is to attend my face to face alanon meetings which keeps me balanced, and focussed on myself!
I just came here this week and am starting to work my way towards feeling that way - I can really relate to how you used to feel. I wish I could get my AH to read some of these posts.
