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know, we dont offer advice.. but what do you think you would do or have you done in a similar situation? Last fall, I took the kids and left my AH the day he came home from rehab. I filed for divorce the same day.He relapsed repeatedly, going back into rehab again, until he totaled his car and was arrested for DUI (3rd in 3 years, 4th lifetime) on 12/30/06.Amazingly, our state saw it as a first offense, since the others happened elsewhere and they didnt know about them.AH spent about 10 weeks in a treatment center, then left.Hes been staying in our house (about 45 minutes away from me and the kids) since the end of March.During that time, he relapsed once, for a single day (he only had $3). Hes extremely depressed, and has told me he thinks hed rather be dead than go on living feeling the way he does.In addition to the divorce, were filing for bankruptcy (he hasnt worked in 16 months), and after 7 months on the market, I think our house is going to be under contract by the end of the week.What we get for it will pay off the mortages, but there wont be anything else left.Were supposed to go before the judge next week for the divorce hearing.AH Sober is begging me not to file for divorce, telling me being married is the only thing he has left, the only thing that gives him hope. Day after day, he sits in an empty house, with only a radio, no transportation (our town has no bus service, so he walks or waits for me to come down).Hes lost close to 50 pounds since last September, and looks like hes aged a decade.Im so afraid of whats going to become of him.And so is he. The kids and I are living with my mother (not an idea situation, but it beats living in the car..)The older two are doing fabulously well in school, and have made new friends here.If I drop the proceedings, my moms going to give me all kinds of grief.And we do have to live her for the foreseeable future.On the other hand, what does it cost me to put it off and see if he can turn things around?He contacted The Salvation Army yesterday and they have beds available in their six month program.Since we crossed state lines, Id have to wait until Ive lived here for a year to file in this state, and probably pay whatever the courts charge here. Hes a good man with an illness.I know hes never intentionally hurt me or the kids; its because of the alcoholism that were where we are now.He never got up in the morning and thought to himself gee, what can I do to screw Linda and the kids today?Im surprised by the fact that Im not angry with him any more.I guess Ive just accepted that while whats going on isnt the best thing in the world, it is going to happen and Ive got to move on.Hes still agonizing over what were losing. So if you were in my shoes, what do you think youd do?Go forward with the divorce, or give him one more chance though at a distance to begin? Linda
Let me start of by saying that I am in a similar situation. My wife wants despirately to reconsile things, but she is not sober yet.
One thing I would offer you is to look at things stictly by what you want and need for yourself. I know you asked for "opinions", but so far you have 3. Yours, your husbands and your Moms, and from your post that has already deluted what you want to such and extent I can't really tell from your post what YOU want.
I don't say that to be mean... just pointing out what it looks like from the outside. Ultimately the only one who really has to get up in the morning and feel good about your decission is you.
I know that struggle... I am dealing with it myself. It's brutal.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have been where your at and it isn't pretty, no one can make that decission but you only u know the answer u can live with . There is help for your husband in the nearest AA meeting room ,they will help him turn his life around , he hasn't h it his bottom yet or he would be doing what he has to do for himself . Remember they will do and say anything to get what they want that is the nature of the disease not the man. I pay little attention to what anyone say s I watch what they do . a hug and a simple reminder to him that he dosent have to live that way goes along way , I wish u luck with your stuggle and pray he finds the strenght he needs to find help . good luck Louise
(((((lmw))))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am in a similar situation. You didn't say in your post if you are attending face to face meetings. If you aren't, I would highly recommend it. Also, having a sponsor has helped me so much. Someone who I can be totally honest with and who doesn't judge me. Someone safe who I can turn to that has been in my shoes and can help me focus on what I need to focus on...me.
The answer to your question is within you. Give yourself the opportunity to find it. The only way I have been able to do that for myself is to focus on myself. The only way I know how to do that is to go to my face to face meetings and working the steps with my sponsor.
I wish (((((you))))) and your ((((((family))))) all the best. I hope you keep coming back. You are worth it!!!
One thing I read in your post was how well your kids are doing now. What does that tell your heart? You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Take care of yourself and your children and pray for AH but you cannot save him - it is not your job. You are in my prayers.
to rephrase what everyone else said--- only drop them if it is in YOUR and YOUR KIDS best interest. Not to help him or save him-- or please your mother . It would be nice to have a crystal ball in these situations. Not an easy decision. Pray that serenity prayer-- it helps. ((((hugs)))) jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Prayers for your serenity and that answers will come to you. No advice, but remember he is the sick one, and he needs help. You can't cure or control his disease. Have you considered setting in front of him....Look, here is how you can get help for your diseases.....1. 2. 3.. list names of people, places, and phone numbers.
It sounds like he does want answers.....
You aren't necessarily his saviour at this stage of his disease.
Just thoughts, and I could be way wrong. Your post made him sound so pathetic, and it is pathetic. But....our purpose is to give the A encouragement, not our sanity. Bless you and the kids. pw
