The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH was strangely missing from the house. His car was here, and everything was right where he left it. I tried to just go about my business, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering. Finally I saw him get a beer from the trunk of the car and walk down the sidewalk. Curiosity got the better of me and I found him drinking on the porch of a neighbor's vacant house (12 noon). He was on the second of a very tall bottle. He was acting like this was a very normal, logical thing to be doing, you know, it was a nice porch and he just wanted to sit outside for a bit. He didn't think I saw the bottles behind his back. I yelled at him "Do you have any idea how SICK I am of this?" And I went home. I cried very hard because I think I didn't really know how sick it made me. So sick and tired. Enough to want a divorce. Enough to wish he would die, or leave me for someone else, or just dissappear and I don't even care what happens to him. I am sick of my life being weighted down by his loserness. There is not one time of day when fresh alcohol is not in his system. Just because he is not a fall down drunk doesn't mean there's no problem. I hate him. He came home a few minutes later a apologized to me. I didn't say anything at first, then I asked "How sorry are you?" He was very defensive and antagonistic. "How sorry am I supposed to be?" "You don't sound very sorry." "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt" I wanted to ask him if he was insane. This wasn't about my FEELINGS for God's sake, he's just reciting whatever apology he thinks is appropriate and it MEANS NOTHING!!! I asked hem if he was sorry enough to not do it again. He said yes, all the way, that's what he was meaning the whole time. I didn't say anything, but maybe 20 minutes later there was fresh beer on his breath. I knew he wouldn't toss out that tallboy he just opened. A little later I said "maybe you should go to a meeting" and he said "maybe" in that way that means absolutely nothing. I instantly regretted saying it and I told him so. I wish I could keep my mouth shut. I'm so sick of everything. I can't trust him for crap, nothing he says ever means anything and nothing I do ever matters. I want out of the relationship. Ten years and two kids and a house and a cat and a dog, mortgage loans and equity loans and student loans. I can't express how bad I want it to work but I'm sick, just like I told him HE HAS NO IDEA HOW SICK I AM OF THIS!!!!
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
You know there is a problem. Please try to be strong and be in control so you can have a beautiful happy life. This is all new to me but there is hope of good things in life and I believe this board is my personal sanity, however we all must try and stay focused in getting ourselves better first. x
I resemble this remark. Less now than a year ago... but I still am. (sick that is) For me, part of this sickness was that my WANT... was overriding logic and compassion for my wife and for me. That doesn't happen to everyone... but it leveled me.
When I accepted that my WANT wasn't any more powerful than my love or my schemes to help my wife, I started fighting the fight I can win. Making my life better, reguardless of what she does.
Of course, I still have days I want to strangle someone... but my days of seeing the sunrise with a smile are growing. I like that.
Keep coming back!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I've said those same words. It is like talking to a wall. Sick and tired. I'm with you sister! When I feel like that I know I have to take my focus off him and put it on me--- leave the house, visit a friend, ANYTHING. take a personal time out. best wishes- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
