The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My partner is an alcoholic who attends his meetings. Al Anon has adviced me to part from him. Two months ago he came home and beat me up. I have 2 broken ribs. He has since moved out and we see each other. He said that he only now wants a friendship as he needs to recover and is confused. We meet regularly and he said he needs my support. I love him and do not have the strength to part but I am afraid that he is maybe using me for selfish reasons. We have a sexual relationship and although we are only friends he has said he would not like me to be with anyone else. I know he has no interest in other women as I am the only one in his life. Does he care? Most of you have more experience than me and I need your advice.
Hi, and welcome to MIP.... I'm afraid I cannot even begin to offer advice to you, other than to hope & suggest that you start doing things for you - for the recovery that you need from all this stuff. I don't think "Al-Anon" would advise you to stay or leave, although some people within just might.... That decision is always yours to make....
The key thing is for you to work on you, regardless of the above decision. There is an old saying of:
"he's either gonna drink or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Time to start loving and taking care of yourself. Read books, open up here, go to meetings, etc., and your path will become clearer. Hope you keep coming back.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Scarey post for me!! When it gets to the point of physical abuse or any kind of abuse which it often does in alcoholism and addiction it is best to go seek outside help along with as many face to face Al-Anon meetings that you can get to in a short period of time. Two broken ribs means you got beat pretty badly and that makes it a very fine line to ending up terminal.
In the definition of alcoholism it says that there are three choices for them and three choices for us. For them it is "Sobriety, insanity or death." For us it is "Serenity, insanity or death." My experience tells me that you are in the insanity gap and maybe have come close to the death part too. We don't give advise for many reasons and one reason is that the person we are working with will make their own choices and needs to have full responsibility for those choices. We therefore make suggestions only.
If your gut tells you that you are being used...you probably are. Get to lots of meetings. If you need feedback and another persons experience, strength and hope, get to lots of meetings. You will find many similar experiences like yours in the meetings. If you need more strength you will find it at the meetings where there is a ton of encouragement, support, unconditional love, compassion and much much more. We will love you until you learn to love yourself.
I have worked as a case worker in an Alternative to Violence program. Violence in this disease is a part of my history; my story. My ATV knowledge and experience tells me that if you continue doing what you are doing the consequence will be tragic. If you need further convincing go to the library, a book store, the police department, a local ATV provider, a social service, womens shelter or the like and ask them to tell you what you they know about what you have just posted here. Sit, listen with an open mind and ask for help.
I am very concerned for you. You should be more concerned than I.
I found your post interesting , Al-Anon has advised u to leave him ??? not any meeting I ever went to would do that . perhaps and individual but not the program . NO one has the right to tell u to leave or stay that is your decission , what is acceptable to you may not be to me but thats ok too , what u do is no one elses business . Keep going to your meetings , learn to understand yourself ree: why we do what we do , why we allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect, you may not like everything u learn about yourself but what u don't like u can change. everything about this program is a positive to me and I can take what I like and leave the rest. keep the focus on your needs. Physical abuse is totally unexceptable to me and should be to you too , u don't deserve that no one does . Only a bully would abuse a woman . Nothing u do or say gives any one the right to use u as a punching bag . I don't mean to be so harsh . there is a saying in AA You can take a drunken horse thief and sober him up -- what u have is a sober horsethief. this kind of behavior often carries on after sobriety . and yes with concentrated effort people can change . I hope u find enough self esteem in our program to never allow anyone to hurt u again . sorry I feel very strongly about physical abuse good luck louise
Al Anon- an individual, said it is my choice but implied I should cut ties. I do not feel he is using me but I do feel he is afraid of hurting me again. He has said we cannot co-habit until he has gone through recovery and feels he can trust himself. It is so difficult. I have a 2 year old from an ex whom I parted from due to finding him on crack and giving me racial abuse- I am Anglo Indian Irish. A has been a great support and genuinely cares for my daughter. I do make sure I am safe. I meet him first before us being on our own. The difficult thing is that I do love him.
No advice from me, just sympathy. I love my AH and nobody I know understands why I don't leave him. Everything is complicated. The best I can do is work on making myslef stronger, this is good for the AH too.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Muppet, I hope you continue to post here, you are welcomed by all of us!
Plenty of new members are hesistant or nervous to go to Alanon meetings for the first time. Because the face to face meetings are so important, you'll hear lots of encouragement to go. No one will ever demand that you go, it's just that the benefits of the program work for you much faster when you can get all the acceptance and support in person.
Newcomers to Alanon are VERY important people to us! Whatever you decide to do, you keep coming back here until you're ready to take the next step. Sometimes taking a girlfriend or family member will help you get to the first meeting. We know it's hard, we've all been there!
Getting a sponsor is something you'll want to do when you get to a face to face meeting. It's much easier to find someone you relate to face to face, to see if you can work with this person.
Mainly, we don't want you to feel so isolated and confused and unsupported. You don't have to feel that way anymore. Hope to see you post again soon!
Kim, I went to one and left as I felt so tearful. My friends think I'm insane and should cut A out of my life so this board is really all I can find that I can turn to.
Muppet please try meetings again no one minds if u cry , we have all been there we need support , someone that can go for coffee on a bad day or pick up the phone when your having a rough time . you miss so much by not going to f2f meetings . This board is great but not enough . Just my opinion hon . good luck Louise Oh and it is okay to love an alcoholic . friends don't get it , Al Anons do . Easiest way to not get advice from friends is dont share with them what is going on with the A . then they can't give advice or judge.
A physical attack resulting in two broken ribs...you didn't say what else...requires not only AlAnon meetings, but the police! Please do not stand by and allow this man to hurt you. It only escalates from there. And...you need a police trail, via reports, of his abuse; complete with photographs. Leave him? Don't leave him? That's up to you. I can only tell you that I would never have anyone in my life who would strike out at me physically.
Good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm glad you are here. Your post really spoke to me, I want you to know that no matter what you've been thru you'll find in alanon people with similar experiences. I'm sure your A is a good guy -- not alway the way he is now.
The biggest thing that helped me was finding a place where I didn't have to defend my A. If I could speak openly about what was going on and not spend time explain why I wanted to stay with my A, or why it looked worse than it was, then I was actually able to start spending time taking care of myself. It also allowed me to to start questioning what I accepted as "normal" or acceptable in my relationship. There is so much that you can gain from this program.
Please keep coming back and posting. I hope that you will be able to find a face to face meeting that gives you the opportunity to talk openly without telling you what you must do.
Yesterday he phoned demanding £250 and he would give it back today. I refused and he went on and on. I got upset and then said I was pressing charges as I'm fed up. He then insulted me saying I'm a bad mum and that he would report me. I told him to go ahead. I've had insult after insult last night on the phone and he was sober. I think he must be a dry drunk. I don't want him in my life. I'm 38 and can't live like this. I hope I'm strong enough. However, he said he wanted nothing to do with me so maybe he mean't it which will be easier for me although I love him.
He has been texting me this morning saying he is sorry, he is worried about me, wants to see me. All I can do is be nasty. Why can I not just forget him and walk away?
Because they are our addiction. We need them ... as insane as it seems, it is hard to walk away.
We try one moment at a time to take back our focus -- look at ourselves and what is best for us. He probably doesn't know what he wants, he has his own recovery to work out and for this moment you have to let him do it with his sponsor.
Try to stay off the roller coaster ride of his emotions. Tend to yourself and what you need to do in this day.
As far as him texting you, being nice one minute and nasty the next, take a big step back. I've heard people term it as being "stock raving sober" -- you can't expect him to be level headed at this moment, not that it won't ever come. But like you said you are angry and respond to him by being "nasty" --- that's something you can work on for yourself.
