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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> detaching or heartless?
Post Info TOPIC: detaching or heartless?
gknee


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detaching or heartless?
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Week 2 of H being sick at home. Lots of gastrointestinal complaints. Not going to work. Sleeping and watching baseball on tv. Won't go to the Dr. Wants me to call his boss (I refuse) Don't know if he is using or abusing substances (A? pot? vicodin? ambien?) or depressed or actually physically sick. I don't have time for this!!
Our kids are finishing school this week-- tonight is my son's 8th grade graduation and I doubt my H will make it there. My job is terribly busy for the next few weeks and I need his HELP not this extra stress. He refuses to do anything to help himself. He has a pulse, he is breathing. He has no real friends or close family that can help him out or be more objective. I am extremely frustrated. I talked to our family Dr about him a bit but he is an adult and needs to take care of himself. I do feel guilty though.... I feel like a bad wife.

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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Rita G


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((gknee))

Congratulations on your son's 8th grade graduation - yahoo - high school in just a few short months - oh boy!!

For me, when I start feeling guilt - I have learned that I need to do some type of inventory or check list or bounce it off another recovery friend - My thinking is not always the healthiest and I have a difficult time determining if my guilt is realistic on unrealistic guilt.

Questions I ask myself are:
Have I done a specific action to cause this?
Have I acted in a way that was unhealthy or unrespectful to others?
Have I treated myself and my family members with dignity?
Am I communicating my boundaries to others?

Most of the time, if I am answering these questions like I am suppose to and when I am not - then make my amends and change what I can - then what I'm feeling maybe unrealistic guilt.

Taking on guilt that is not mine to carry. To stop these feelings, I literally repeat to myself OFTEN (lol) "Rita, This is not about You, It's not my fault and I'm willing to let my HP free me from these feelings. HP, Please help me with this."

gknee, from your post - it seems like it will be a very, very busy time for you - hope that you are able to do something good for you - even if it is just a few minutes of relaxing, breathing and doing something healthy that helps you feel good about you.

Peace,
Rita




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carolinagirl


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After 2 weeks I would say detaching....
I have watched my heroin using husband sweat buckets, say his bones ached, talk about "tummy troubles" he can't poop, etc. Gee guess if I knew he was using opiates I would have known why. Now when I hear about stomach problems I think oh well. Guess it affected my sympathy factor for everyone having to care for someone who was "sick" ALL THE TIME!! Now when the kids get hurt I say do you need to go to the hospital. Funny, it usually only happens when I just told them to clean...

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abbyal


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OH boy dejavueing here I have been there a couple of times myself . If he refuses to see a doctor there is nothing u can do about that , but keep an eye on him if he is truly that ill I simply called an ambulance I didn't even ask .  He was ticked but that was nothing new rather safe than sorry . I would never have been able to forgive myself if it had turned out to be something really serious . his sympoms were heart attack but turned out to be angina . Just wasn't willing to risk it myself .  Hang in there  louise



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CJ


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nothing rules out honest communication.  I had told my Awife on several occasions that I needed her help -- do something???? dishes? vacuum? take on something that can give us a more equal share of chores -- she chose not to do anything, but sit in her discontentedness and drink.  miserable.  it made me feel miserable until i had had enough.  a relationship cannot last with a constant and unabating injustice. 

yours in recovery
cj



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gknee


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thanks everybody. As I figured, he missed the graduation. This week I have talked to our family dr about him and his therapist. CJ- your statement resonates to the bone "a relationship cannot last with a constant and unabating injustice".
It honestly hurts to think about .
xxooxx-
jeanne

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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Jerry F


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Aloha gknee!!

Guilt is the measels of overly responsible perfectionistic people.  Take a dose of self love and go to a f2f meeting in the morning.

Also....have some (((((hugs)))))



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