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Last night my daughter made her confirmation. She chose her stepsister who is 23 to be her sponsor. We were to meet at the church at 7pm, a half hour before the ceremony was to start. My daughter got more nervous and upset as the minutes ticked by without her stepsister showing up. I felt horribly for my daughter that the person she chose to be her sponsor, someone she thought she could rely on, forgot about her on the evening that she was to be confirmed. She was hurt, angry and disappointed, rightfully so.
She said to me "I can't believe that she forgot." I was trying hard not to let my own emotions show, I didn't want to ruin her evening anymore than it already was. I told her, "You should tell her how you feel." I didn't add how I felt..... As a parent, it broke my heart to see my child in pain emotionally.
On the car ride home after the cermony thier father was giving excuses for why she forgot about our daughters confirmation evening. His excuses came off as pathetic as they were. I felt he should have been offering our daughter sympathy, instead of defending the person in the wrong. But, I kept my mouth shut and I will address that with him later in private.
Right now I want to call my stepdaughter and tell her that she needs to call my daughter and apologize for forgetting her. To own up to her mistake and not offer any lies or excuses about forgetting, just say, "I forgot and I am sorry." Is it wrong for me to do this? Am I trying to be controlling by doing this? Or should I just let my stepdaughter handle it in her own way? My main concern is my daughter and how she feels, I know she will see through the bs excuses and I just want the best possible end result for her.
I understand the importance of the Confirmation ceremony for a child, and know your daughter must have been very upset. I think you handled it as best you could, given the circumstances.
Regarding their father, I wouldn't say he was necessarily defending the person in the wrong. I would say he was trying to protect your younger daughter instead. He was trying to pad the fall, the hurt for her. It was not his fault.
You don't say if the stepsister is a drinker? I imagine she is.
If it were me, yes I would call the person who let my child down on such a special occasion. I don't think you are being controlling at all by doing this. It was a thoughtless thing to do and she should be made aware of this.
Of course you daughter's feelings are most important. She seems quite bright and will be able to suss out the bs for herself.
Just my thoughts, good luck, and congratulations to your daughter. I'm sure she will always remember her special day and that her parents were there for her.
You did a really good job, it's so hard not to add all of what we are feeling into it. Dad probably just wanted to help, to some how make it better or easier -- maybe he just needs to learn that there are other ways of making it better than handing out excuses.
Validating or allowing a person to feel what they are feeling is the best thing we can do. "I understand" -- "You are allowed to be angry" -- "Yes, this is dissappointing and hurtful" and lots of hugs and honesty "I don't have a an answer why she didn't come" "I love you and I"m proud of you."
All those things say- what you are feeling is real, you're allowed to feel this way and I'm here for you.
It is the pits to have our children disappointed. We really do carry their pain -- but we can't pitty them, they will grow and learn from this, just as we do.
No one has to "allow" you or your child to be angry. When one is angry, one is angry, and neither needs nor expects an ok to entertain that emotion.
Yep I would call this errant 23 year-old, but I would speak clearly, concisely, and quietly, at the same time making sure she understands just how much sadness and disappointment she caused on this most important day. To ignore this is a disservice to your dear daughter AND to her. This must be a learning experience for the 23 year old, and she must understand that her actions, or lack of them, were abominable.
I am truly sorry this happened. Give daughter an extra hug, and do whatever you can to ease her hurt. This is a memory she will carry with her, but you can help that memory become less painful.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Not familiar with the age a child becomes confirmed or how mature your daughter is for her age - did she ask her sister to be there? If so, then I might would ask her if she wanted to call her sister to ask why she didn't show for the ceremony?
Maybe, give her the opportunity to learn how to handle this type of conflict and emotional situation.
As sad as it is to say, it probably won't be the last time she will be disappointed by someone in her life. Might be a good chance for her to learn to express her feelings, confront the situation and deal with the issue.
Of course, saying this not knowing how old she is -
Most of all, I would suggest that you pray and mediatate - seek guidance from your HP on what is the best way to handle the situation for all involved.
Oh, by the way, Congratulations on her confirmation - I'm sure she was beautiful. Also, how awesome that both of her parents could be there for her.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know what a confirmation is, also how old is your daughter?
She was old enough to pick her sponsor, then I am guessing she is old enough to take care of it herself. If we take over, we take away a growing experience that was not ours to take away.
I do understand your feeling of wanting to call and "take care of it" however in my book, that is enabling. The earlier your child learns to face and take care of her own stuff, the better.
I would say,"I am guessing it really hurt that *** did not show up. What do you find you want to do about it?" Give her the dignity she deserves. It would make her feel you have faith in her to take care of things herself.
hugs, and your daughter is doing so well!! love,debilyn
Hello Demo , if it were me I would leave it alone . when your daughter wants to talk about it let her and suggest she ask step daughter why she didn't show up . U calling the step daughter will only make things worse , and a confrontation between the two of you will interfere with your relationship. stepping aside and allowing people to grow up is damn hard work , this is an oportunity for your daughter to learn she has a right to say how she feels to the person that is causing the pain . Stand back if u can and allow them all the dignity to take care of this themselves . good luck Louise
I am so sorry you and your daughter had to experience that.
My experience has been that confirmation occurs around the 6th or 7th grade ... so I am making an assumption that your daughter is in that age range.
One of the things I've had to work out for me in the course of working this program, is the balance of keeping the focus on me rather than trying to fix other people vs. appropriate levels of (for lack of a better word I'll say) "mothering" for my minor aged children. I've come to believe that the amount of guidance (including age appropriate discipline) and advocacy on behalf of my children changes (and reduces) as they get older -- but it does not cease. What I would do to protect my child (both physically and emotionally) when they were one month old, is hugely different than what I'd do when they were 8 years old ... and that is different again from what I would do when they're 16 years old. And if what they did when they were 23 years old had a direct impact on me or my other minor child, what I would do would be different still.
I guess this leads me back to your question ... and my question to you is, do you think you can fix this? As much as we moms want to shelter our kids from pain, we can't fix everything (future or past) so our kids can live without pain and disappointment. God/HP knows a part of me wishes I could protect my kids from certain experiences they've had, I wish I could make it all better. But, I can't control the world out there.
What I can do is speak up for myself, and advocate for my younger children, in a manner that lets persons know that I noticed what they did, that it had whatever result/consequences it did, and that if I am setting a boundary in terms of future experiences with that person that I inform them of that boundary and of what I will do if they don't respect the boundary.
I get the daily quote from Hazeldon -- today's: "Conflict can produce positive results."
So, I think you have an opportunity -- yeah, it'd be nice if it hadn't happened. But, here we are. Maybe the 23 year old doesn't know what pain she caused -- maybe she doesn't know there will be consequences, such as maybe she doesn't know that trust is earned, and while you can't speak for anyone else (maybe) but maybe you don't trust her as much as you did before this happened. Maybe she needs to know what she needs to do to earn back trust. Learning that lesson at 23 is better than learning it at 60. Back when I was in grade school and high school I wish I'd had someone to teach me some of the lessons that I had to wait to learn in al anon. Guiding me in how to speak up for myself, how to say what I mean but not say it mean. How what people do is usually mostly about them, not about me. How part of learning to trust is discerning who is trust-worthy --- how I can still love a person, a family member, but some people have earned my trust around certain issues and some people haven't or don't, and some maybe never will. About the 3 'A's: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. About how once I'm truly aware of what a circumstance is and have accepted it for what it is, how to set boundaries that allow me to take care of me, and to realize that if someone ignores my boundary or tries to make me feel bad about about having the boundary that that is a signal that that person is not behaving respectfully of me. That good relationships are based on mutual respect ... and a lot of that begins by respecting myself, and teaching people how to treat me via the boundaries I set. My experience is that confirmation is often set at an age when children can reason at a higher level -- can begin understanding and addressing in a more mature manner some of these 'playground' issues that -- well mine have followed me into adulthood. I wish I'd had someone to guide me through them after I'd been confirmed.
Only you know what is right for your situation. Take what you want and leave the rest. Being a mom is such a balance, letting them grow up, knowing when they need to learn from their own falls, guiding at the appropriate time. ((((Hugs to you)))) Yours in recovery, emma
