The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I remember first coming to this board nearly 3 years ago and reading of people leaving their A's and I remember feeling that would never be me. I felt so sure I could find a way to make it work. Now all that seems impossible. I see more and more how impossible the A's attitude, lies, acting out, lack of limits, destructiveness is. I know I could not trust him again. I am not even sure I could believe one word he said. I know this has actually been the reality for a long long time. I also know that it hurts tremendously that I could not influence him in any way.
The irony is that I am surrounded by A's. I would no more think of saying one word to the guy who now lives in my house about stopping drinking than I would the A. I know full well all he wants to do is drink all the time. I see so clearly now how the A needs chaos and to feel victimized and to create havoc. I could not see that for years. I was merely caught up in all of it. I was also in total overwhelm day in day out. Its not as if I didn't have my own already overwhelming issues.
The issue for me is that being away from the A brings tremendous clarity for me. I can see so clearly who will help me and who won't. I would be in a pit of confusion over that before. I would get to the point where I couldn't decide anything so I didn't. There were months when I did not want to go out of the house I felt so lost. Going down the street took enormous effort.
There were also months I had such hope that we could remain together and I did not have to split up my animals and my home. There are days when I don't know what to mourn the loss of his presence and my dear sweet dogs presence or the loss of myself that helped so completely when I was exposed to the waves of dysfunction that accompanied his addiction.
of course I don't feel like I got myself back because I lost myself for years. I feel like I got a perspective that is at some times self protective and I did not have that before on any level at all. I find that precious and I feel like it is for once in my life okay to put me first. For once I can say "no" which is not something I was ever able to do before. So the irony is in saying No to the A I am actually able to say No to all forms of people pleasing and manipulation by others too. In time I am sure I can build on that but right now I feel like I've gained very very little.
And the irony is that I'd jump immediately if he would say he was sorry or indicate on any level he'd be at least interested in being sober but he isn't. He isn't and no matter how much I'd like to distort it I can't make him.
I remember feeling that way, I would have jumped a few times, in fact I did jump several times. Next guy's gonna jump for me!!! Here's my ESH wait a week before making any major decision. If he says I'm going to treatment and getting better wait a week and think it thru. There were several times over the past nine mos that I thought about letting the A back but I just waited another day and another and inevitably he would screw up again and I sure am glad I waited all those times! It's hard, it gets lonely but then it gets better and so do you and you start to feel that tinge of happiness here and there and then more and more of the time.
The hardest part of recovery in Alanon is learning how to move the focus off of another person as the means to our salvation - that 'person,place or thing' isn't going to save us no matter how much we wish for it. The steps, the slogans and the support really do make a difference and they have to be worked constantly until they become second nature - and an integral part of your life. The whole point of the program is to figure out a relationship with a higher power. It really doesn't have to do with the alcoholic. They were the gift God gave us that compelled us into these rooms - where the real gifts lie. I love this program, everyone in it and thank God everyday for the Alcoholic who brought me to my knees.
