The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH moved back home last night a little prematurely than I'd expected but they were circumstances that were beyond both of our control. AH and I had been discussing over the weekends a plan of reunifying and as time has passed I have seen some very good changes in his attitudes and behaviors. I have also seen that some of those old behaviors that are still present and will take a lot longer to overcome. We have both been consulting our sponsors on the reunifying issues for the past couple of weeks and I decided that I needed to make a list of boundaries that I needed to keep me living a life of freedom, joy, and serenity. I was also able to write down what my AH could expect from me also.
My plan was to let him know that Father's Day weekend would be a good time to move back in, but the half way house had other plans. To make a long story short, AH was accussed of using again and was told that he could leave for four days but had to pay up his bill of 300.00 dollars first. The test was not done in front of him like the other residents. My AH and I have talked every day and evening since he's been gone, I have never suspected drug use. His senior RA went to bat for him too because he knows for sure he's never used, my AH was the only one in his house that went to meetings every evening. His sponser said he's seen him at almost every meeting and the last two weekends we've been emersed in church with his sponser and he's never seen any red flags of drug use. The drugs he tested positive for were marijuana and Benzo's. Now AH has been clean since April 24th, but was given Benzo's during detox. He also clinically overdosed on Benzo's before that. Not sure what exactly went down there but I choose to believe he didn't use. Honestly its between him and his HP.
So, AH and I went over my Boundaries and he knows the ones that are not flexible. He knows now that I am willing and ready to follow through with what I need to follow through on. My goals are still the same, continue working towards getting out of debt, selling the condo, and finding a place that I can afford on my salary. The accounts will stay separated and he won't have access to my money. All I can say is we'll see how it goes, one day at a time. I have done a great deal of praying on this and alot of preparation for this time. I am at peace with it. The feeling I have is one of independence and I know now that I'm capable of caring for my own needs and taking care of me. My expectation is that he take care of his own needs, if he can't then he'll have to pay the consequences. I have made it before on my own, and if need be I can do it again. My hope and prayer is that he will continue on this good path that he's on and stay focused on recovery and growth. That is my goal as well.
Just wanted to give and update and wish everyone a blessed day.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Good luck, I have heard a million and one halfway house horror stories from my A but I have come to the conclusion that he's an A and his perception always seems to be that it's someone elses fault. I spose there may have been some truth in some of them... Sounds like you have good boundaries I hope it works out.
I don't really want to comment on whether someone would (a) sabatage a test (b) have a false positive or (c) need to have drama. I do know the A I lived with always had tremendous drama going on. I could be sucked into it immediately. I still could but I am limited in how much contact I can have with him because I am seeking a legal remedy to get my truck. Otherwise for sure I would be back to being overinvolved again.
I do know deep inside me that I miss the A terribly. I miss our moments of domesticity (such that they were). I miss taking care of the animals. I miss having someone. I don't miss the chaos and I don't miss unravelling the lies and the drama.
I know I took the A back or ran back to him so many times. I had such hope. I have none anymore and that feels hard but it feels real to me. I also know that I feel circumstances outside of me stepped in to separate me from him. If it were merely me I would still be there, trying and failing.
Wow, that sure was a lot about him and his problems and you sound like you are trying to give good "resons" for him coming back. I'm sure it is no one's fault, and was going to occur soon anyway....right?
Take care, Twinmom! Wish you and your kids the very best!
