The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
as you all know I had to move into a tiny room with my two cats. The landlord has allowed an end stage alcoholic to move to the house. You can imagine how I feel. He is there every day littering up the porch with his cans of beer. He doesn't go anywhere because really all he wants to do is drink. He's already broken two of the few plants I could salvage which I had on the porch. He makes tons of noise and since he moved in there has been a pall on the entire house. His drinking fuels another guy who didn't drink before and they both just go round and round drining all the time. The manager of the house is fed up, everyone hides in their rooms and I have to resist engaging on any level.
I know the owner has power and control issues so I say little but I make a huge point of not engaging with the alcoholic. This is one reason I did not want to go back to renting a room - I have so little control over the environment I live in. I guess I at least have a room I can lock up here. I didn't when I lived with the A. i had nothing and guess what the A actually used to leave the front door open so his friends could stop by anytime!!!!
From what I hear the A is still in the area. He's exhausted his time at his brother's. He is working for this one guy who has him on a hold over "faint promises". I realise this is one of the things that the A and I had in common the abilty to hold on for dear life to faint promises. The A is holding on to a promise of a house to be built from scratch at some point. I remember him showing me the plans. He kept going over how exciting this project was.
I can hold onto the fant promises too. A friend of mine knowing how desperate I am to get out of the rooming house keeps going out about someday one of his room mates iwll move out. Now I just say to him "oh yeah". At one time I actually went on a huge trek to the city to explore it. There is no opening just the faint promise that is supposed to tantalize me. This hitting such a awful bottom has broken me out of the "faint promises" trance but the A, oh the a is still there ready to enslave himself to anyone who'll offer him some carrot.
So life for me is tremendously hard. I have a roof over my head but what a roof with alcoholics raging outside and an indifferent landlord. Where I live does not really have rent control so there is no stick I can use to change that. I just put up concrete boundaries and detach. I have no feeling whatsover for this guy killing himself with his six pack on six pack on the front porch. I don't even feel annoyed most days. I feel something for another neighbor who has more redeeming qualities but I'm not willing to engage in that either. I have money coming in the form of wages someday soon. But I have also a mountain of debt and I'm in no position to move anywhere for a while.
In the meantime I have a huge legal struggle to get the truck from the A. I have to go back to court, more time off work, pay a process server, supervise the process and deal with my feelings about it all. I also worry daily about my dogs. Where are they? What are they doing. I've searched and searched for them and can find no information about what he has done with them. I feel like this is the most cruel blow of them all. The A is fully aware I love my dogs. He'd use anything to get to me. . Years ago he once hid one of my cats for a few days in order to induce me to do what he wanted. He hid it very well but I now am pretty certain she didn't go under the house as he claimed. After all he reappeared when he got what he wanted!!!
I can't say I like the A at all at the moment. I try hard not to hate him. I try hard not to blame him for everything. I try really hard to detach and keep focused. At the same time I have to say this I feel whatever he has done or does he is a psychopath who has no conscience at all anymore.
I feel alone, abandoned and fed up most days too. I also feel so so glad to have given up trying one more time to make it work with him. I know when the alcoholism gets to a certain stage (like with the neighbor) they is nothing to be said anymore. The a has gone past that point.
I have gone past the point of ever forgiving him now.
Oh, dear. My heart just breaks for you, reading your post. Seems like you have a lot on your plate right now, but yeah, be thankful you have a roof over your head. I know it seems like this will never pass, but it will. And you will come out of it a stronger person. Adversity seems to have that effect on people. Glad you are still able to come here to post. I am sorry about the A on the porch, making noise and making you uncomfortable. Have you considered earplugs? Seriously, I use them when my AH starts his ranting and raving. I just don't let him know about it . In fact, I just used them Friday night. If you have a little Walkman or Ipod maybe put the earphones on and turn it up. I have a little $19.00 personal CD player that I use like that....just tune him out when necessary. I am so very, very sorry about your dogs. Since the A likes to use things you care about to try to control you (mine does the same thing), they are probably OK. He just knows that it makes you uneasy, as it would any normal person, to have their pets missing. I know how you feel about your dogs, I am the same way about my cats. It is good that you are able to try to focus on yourself, in spite of the hard circumstances you are living in right now. I have followed your posts for the last bit, and I know this was a big step for you. I say, you are a brave lady. I admire your courage. It takes a lot to get out and start over, as you have done. I have done it in the past, in a previous marriage, and once the fog lifts, and things get a little more settled in your life, you will be able to look back, and you, too, will be amazed at how well you survived such a bleak time, and you will marvel that the sun is shining so brightly, and how strong and invincible you will feel. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. Love in Recovery, Becky1
whether i forgive now, later, or never, holding resentments keeps me feeling toxic. my heart and prayers go to you in this hard situation, and i pray that serenity will find you in the midst of chaos. the serenity prayer says it all.
brightest blessings and much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Girl, I so feel for you! I remember in my last relationship with an A (which was worse than this one) he would destroy my things, hurt our animals to get to me. Eventually I detached from the animals and now I avoid getting any (8 years later) probably for that very reason. I guess I figured if he thought I didn't care about the animals he wouldn't hurt them. Sometimes I would get rid of the animal, find a person to take it - I guess I saw it as the most loving thing I could do for it, give it a proper home where it didn't risk abuse. Sometimes we have to give up what we love the most BECAUSE we love it.
I know it hurts! Life isn't fair but everything passes and things usually end up better when we are doing positive things in our lives. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I'm not sure what area you're in, maybe once you get the truck back you can move out of town a ways and things will be cheaper? Keep looking for deals, you never know...job as an assistant manager at an apartment? Storage units? usually those include housing... you said you needed a new 2nd maybe that's the answer. Just a few suggestions!
. In fact, I just used them Friday night. If you have a little Walkman or Ipod maybe put the earphones on and turn it up. I have a little $19.00 personal CD player that I use like that....just tune him out when necessary. 